Archive | February, 2013

Let this be the one…

27 Feb

Dear ….

I finally decide today will my new place to write my thoughts …. Since this is new I just hope that I able to write what I am feeling without any insults…

Here it goes….I will be going to the past and present but right now I writing about tomorrow …. I get to be with MM lets give him a name Alan… Brief history…been with him over 3 years, when we start I had my roommate and tired of not feeling wanted, sexy and felt I was ugly. I was celibate for two years before I met my roommate.. So you imagine I needed a man… Well. Little did I know my roommate had a low sex drive and loved sports more than life…. So 3 years into the relationship, I was celibate again without being giving a choice… I didn’t or wasn’t allowed to masturbate for it hurt his manhood… I tried so good to be good but than I met Alan…

We (Alan and I ) were both in sexless relationships. So I was surprised that a man like him would want me or more like I wanted him. He brought me out sexually … Little by little I discovered that I am wild beast…i became addicted o him, he was my first in buying me a vibrator, got me to squirt for the first time a year ago.. Don’t get me wrong, not an ugly woman and always had plenty of men around men. And I have confidence, attracted woman, great sense of humor plus good in bed .. And I can actually get dates or get laid if I choose… But when you are with someone who makes you feel I unattractive… It hurts your self esteem..you start questioning yourself. You figure something must be wrong these men, who pick me up are just being nice… Little did I know I didn’t see what others saw.

Well, tomorrow I giving myself to Alan as a sub. I had this planned for a while and scared to death. Slowly I been preparing him. I didn’t realize I enjoyed this, I love when someone dominates me especially him. I been introducing him to it, I don’t even think he know he could do this but tomorrow I am giving him myself completely me.. So worried he might not want this special gift.. But I haven’t been able to trust a man in over 30 years and that’s including ex-husband. I know it’s wrong to be with a married man, but I need to remember that he is married and will never truly belong to me but I want Alan to be my first as he has been for so many new discoveries. I have so many new things to discover still but this the man who my heart belongs too…

Love me..

Should I start a blog…. has been my question

26 Feb

I guess it’s a good question to ask myself. I been reading everyone else’s and it seems we all have some things in common but then there are others that I wonder about. I am not an english major so forgive me for my punctuality and grammar.

Where do I start. I been through hell and back, each time becoming stronger but not smarter. However, after 30 years I fallen in love for the first time. Its the worse kind too, for I will never be his priority. I will also come second best. I wonder if it has to do with how my life revolved. Dont get me wrong i am strong woman and never depended on anyone emotionally. I always taken care of myself and never been afraid to live alone till NOW!!

Brief history of my past.

I come from a family where my dad cheated on my mom plus abused her. Which might explain why I might have no respect for men. The reason I havent let anyone come close either. You figured I would have healed a long time ago but for the first time im my life. I let a stranger in, whom I wish I didn’t. I tell myself why him, why not someone single. I always avoided love expect for my children. Even when I made love to a man it was more of feeling my sexual needs but not the emotional part.

I was married to a crazy man for 12 years. He had become my stalker (Not kidding) and I had to leave running. I left him with only a dollar in the bank and a check that wouldn’t be there for another two weeks. Some how I made it. I ask myself how the hell did I do it. How the heck did I make this happen. Not sure but do thank God for giving me the strength. For two years I decided to be celibate, Yup, no masturbation, no relief and no dating figured I need to heal and concentrate on my kids. Which I did. But that only proved to be hazards to my second relationship.

Well, my mistake in the last 10 year was to move in with a man who lied to me and is still under my roof. We don’t have sex ( and havent in over 6 years) and he is actually on the couch. He is a great guy but his way of thinking is beyond anyone’s belief and it amazing to me that a grown man has yet to grow up. He has been living off of me for the past year and I been trying to get him to move out. He refuses and starts crying… blah! blah! Plus, he has congestive heart failure and if he does move out he could die if I cancel his insurance. He can not collect unemployment or social security because he was on 1099 and never paid a drop into the system. So kind of stuck right now, it looks some how I need to move out but hate to give up my place instead of him just moving out.

Right before I decided to cheat on my “Now” roommate I tried so many things to make our relationship work. But my roommate stop touching me and start touching the remote more often. I did what any woman would do to gain some attention. I practically threw myself on him. Example, I figure I could blow him while he watched his game (baseball) what guy wouldnt enjoy watching a game while his woman is kneeling in front of him? I got him on my couch if anyone wants to see that man. He said gross move away I trying to watch the game. Who the hell turns down a blow job??? I think that’s when I decided I can not live like this… I could go on and on but it wasnt till I fell in love with my MM that I kicked this man out of my room and hopefully soon I will be able to leave. However, because of his health and my kids, he is now living in my living room which might I say looks like shit. I could tell you how much I put up with this man. I even got witness to show them I wasnt crazy.

Next time, if I decide to.. will start unfolding my untold stories and bring myself to the present.