Archive | March, 2013

Nervous…. or Confused!!!

20 Mar

Dear…

I don’t understand why I am so nervous. I always been the strong one the one that controls her life. The one who doesn’t get nervous easily. I will be spending the weekend with Alan for first time in 3 years. I am so excited but so nervous. How the heck am I suppose to survive. When did I hand over this power over. I tried to cancel and he hasn’t let me. We are going to our first Swingers club but always figured I would save that for a husband not for just anyone. Not that I will swing but am interested if finding out that lifestyle. Figure a lot of my decent friends with great careers can go why not me. Besides these people truly love their mates. Its amazing the way they are. I envy them for I don’t have anyone who loves me as they do each other.

However, I am wondering in a way if this event might end us. Told him I do not want to be pressured into having sex with just anyone. I might not be an Angel but do have some morals in me. Not many especially since I am in love with a married man, till this day don’t know how the heck that happen. I keep telling myself that I will not let anyone hurt me. I must be insane but it has been one of my fantasies since I can remember. I just never thought that this would be happening with him and I guess I will find out this weekend.

He also keeps telling my stuff that I do not want to hear since I know married men lie. Just like I lied to my roommate I know what cheaters can get away with. I just don’t get how he keeps telling me that our relationship is evolving when in reality I think it’s about the sex not us. He doesn’t know about my personal life. He will never either. He doesn’t know where I live, who I talk too… I really keep my life separated from his. How can I be in love with a fantasy when he could never belong to me? Why tell me lies now? Why bring BS to the relationship? He is not promising me anything but I think his fantasy is stronger than mine. I still know he can never fulfill me for I am second in his life.

Yet, not sure how I still be leaving with him this weekend without thinking it through. This could really hurt me and I can’t afford that. I just don’t get why lie to me when he knows I wont believe him anyways.

Advertisements

How I got where I am…

15 Mar

Dear….

I guess after reading some blogs… I needed to write why I got where I am…

I never in my life did I think I would become someone’s lover. Especially after what happened to my parents. When my mom found out my dad was cheating well, none of us took it very well especially with the past history. Maybe one day I will write about that.

I left my ex husband after 12 years of marriage with nothing but I made it (I should write about that one). After what I had endured, I decided to be celibate for 2 years. I meet this man (My roommate), I only saw him every other weekend. Some how he moved in slowly. When he officially moved in I kicked him out within two weeks. Little did I know those first two weeks would define my relationship. When I kicked him out. He end up in the emergency room and ICU for a week. He had Congested Heart Failure, high blood pressure plus other health problems. I was stuck. I couldn’t kick him out so I nursed him for a year. At least than he would try to have sex with me. He would at least give me a good hand job. Well, after a year I tried again to tell him to move. He cried and said he couldn’t afford to move out because he had no money and no health insurance plus that same day he end up in the hospital. So you can imagine I felt like crap. Once again I took the time to heal him again. I took my first road trip that following year.

I met a man, No, not Alan but this stranger. I had the best time of my life. I was alone discovering the world. Ok., maybe just the state of Arizona but still being alone and nobody knowing where you are at. No kids asking for dinner, no sick man asking for a massages, no parents asking for favors. Just me and me alone discovering what I was capable of. I met this man, I never did anything but it was a blast. I realized than that I still had it. However, I also realized I was not in love with my roommate and hated him for putting me in this position.

When I came back, I told him to move out and that if I was interested in another man than he was not the one for me. Once again, he cried got on his knees and begged me not to do this to him. I told him that it wasnt fair to him. Well, once again off to the hospital we go. So you can imagine. I felt like shit.

Well, after the last hospital visit. I started to believe that I didn’t want to cause no stress for him. I was afraid to wake up to a dead man next to me. However, that feeling had changed. Some how sex (hand jobs) became less and less. I would try everything to get him to go. But his love for sports out weight me. He really didn’t care what he was doing to me. I asked him if it was OK if I started to masturbate, realizing for the first time my hands were not going to get cut off… that it was normal for women to masturbate. He said “No, that would hurt my manhood.” So for several years I became celibate again(against my will). Dont get me wrong. There was several incidents where I did try to get his attention but always ended up going to sleep with nothing but my urges.

Here are some of the incidents that drove me to another mans arms. Once incident I already mention in my previous posts. However, here are some others. I remember trying many ways of getting his attention figured if I am taking care of his needs, he could return the favor by taking care of me. I remember one incident where we were alone and I had made everything romantic for him. I almost got oral but then he stopped and said hold on a minute. He went to the other room to finish watching his favorite team finish their game. Put me on hold to watch TV, I took a sleeping pill and fell asleep. Second, one day I was so horny and mad. Here is a man sleeping in my bed and I can not even get some. So I became aggressive, but then I had to play porn star. He didn’t realize that he was not inside of me. He said you feel so good and thank God it was dark for I must had a look on my face that said are you serious. How can a man forget what it feels like to be inside of a woman. I remember how many times I tried to get him aroused. At first, I blamed the meds he was taking but then I caught him masturbating. This hurt my pride. I am not allowed but you are. Not fair. I got tired of being rejected. I am not ugly so I didn’t deserve this. I asked him why he didn’t like oral. Said that women should not be degraded this matter. I asked him what about sex, he claims he would hope I would stop asking. What!!! I am forty years old at that time… What!!! Isn’t a womans peak at forty.

I started going out alone. His interests in sports became to the point, where everything was around his sports (baseball, football, basketball, golf), So I started to timed the game and would be gone and he wouldn’t even realize it. But that changed quickly, he would try to put me to sleep by 7-8 pm I am not a child. I have energy I need to burn. I started not caring if he knew I was going out. However, this is what broke the camel’s back as they say. When I discovered he was allowed to masturbate and not me. I brought a toy and he caught me. He gave me such a long lecture that I felt terrible. It started an argument between us. I didn’t think it was fair. Of course, he got sick on me. It was a cycle that I needed to break. I just didn’t know how. I met Alan than. He made my life more better. I was able to be with him go home and take care of this man. It wasnt till my roommate started to do gross disguising things that I just had enough.

I even have witnesses so people would know I was not making things up. The final straw that got him out of my room and down stairs was the “SHIT” I found in my bed. Literally, he slept with shit in my bed. The one we shared. I blew it. I usually not someone who likes to argue but this was ridiculous. I was going to wash the blankets and I found Shit all over his side of his bed.

Me: “what the heck is this, did you sleep like this? You slept with “SHIT”

Him: “why are making a big deal so I didn’t wipe good, it’s no big deal”

Me: “I sleep here.”

Him: “So wash the blankets and get it over with, why are you making a big deal out of this!!!”

Me: ” I FUCKEN sleep in this bed!!! I have feces all over me.”

Him: ” Stop making a big deal out of this…”

What!!! Either I not normal or he is insane. The worse part he shitted in his pants and left them in the dirty hamper for me to wash. I stick my hands in the hamper to separate the clothes. I was disguised I needed him out. Sick or not he needed to get out of my room. Well, it got worse. He lost his job and for the first time told me, he never paid for unemployment or social security so he didn’t qualify for anything. What!! How can a grown man not prepare himself for his retirement. We always kept our finances separate. He wanted to borrow money told him No. So I had to kick him out of my room and off to the living room he went. So I am stuck between a hard place and rock. Cant kick out a man who is sick and unemployed with no money. If it wasnt for Alan I don’t think I would be smiling right now.

So I ended up having an affair, however, I was not prepared to fall in love with Alan either.

lost control…

13 Mar

I think back when I first started with Alan. I remember how the dynamics of our relationship were equal. I “think” now he gets jealous that I am living my life as I see fit. He has been stand offish. Keeps saying it’s not me but it sure feels like it. I told him once that our dynamics changed and not sure how we are going to continue.

When I first started off with him, my ex boyfriend and I were still sleeping in the same bed, however, we had stop having sex years before and we even stop going out together. We hardly ever fought, I think in the 7 years only 3 major arguments. Life was simple, no conflicts expect lots of disappoints. I was remembering several incidents that pushed me into another man’s arms. But I think one of the major ones that I knew that I made a big mistake moving in or more like him moving in with me was. I took him out it had been a while. It so happens there was a live band but sports on the TV. I asked some girls to come with us. I told them watch this. Right, in front of my ex I was dancing with another man and not once did he look at what I was doing, I was on the dance floor for over 20 mins. My friends were in shock and told them this is why I need to get out. Why, I decide to have an affair. I guess I was trying to justify what I was doing or what I was about to do. I couldn’t just break up with him because of his health condition. However, he is now my roommate(living on my sofa) and so want him out of my home. I feel like some how I lost control of my life. I feel that I can no longer live in peace and how the heck did I get into this predicament. It isn’t like him and I talk, we are like total strangers but I feel lost. I feel anger within me that someone how I got struck watching this grown man. I know now why people have affairs, why they need someone to make them feel alive. But why is it when I go home, I see him, I feel that I am no longer in control and that I lost this battle.

Finding Alan was like someone throwing a life jacket at me. I never thought this man could own my heart. I never thought after three years I would still be with him. I cried so many nights thinking of ways of letting him go. I wonder if this is my faith, life’s cruel joke for me having this affair and letting my heart go. I lost control some how of my emotions. I try so hard to go out with other men but it all comes back with my comparing them to him. Alan, I think he is getting jealous that I am not waiting on the side lines and that I going out, why now? Why does he need his space, why is it lately he feels closterphobia when he is going to contact me? I am not seeing him this week till next weekend and I am missing him… little does he know that every time I am out and I see a couple I wish it was us. I refuse to call him, or contact him. He knows I care but lately I feel even with him I am losing control. For the first time I wish he was single but I know that he will never be. I will never ask him to leave his wife, his family. I would never make him make a decision. Just wish things were different.

I survived…. I think anyways

11 Mar

Dear….

It was a rough start to my weekend but I survived it… YYEEAAHH!! It was hard to let my daughter go. It felt like I was throwing her to the lions but I had no choice. I was not going to stop her from seeing her father or sister. I figure this needs to be her choice but I was scared out of my mind. I kept praying that she would not fall into the same trap as her siblings did. I know how bad my ex can manipulate and how fast he works but I am praying she does not go back for a visit for a long time. I can handle once a year but it will be harder if she made it consistent but nothing I can do. I was happy when she came back yesterday morning. I missed her so much this weekend. I will never understand why a father would want to distroy his own kids. I always thought fathers were supposed to be protective but I guess I shouldnt have expected much from him.

I did get drunk friday evening… Not even sure how I was able to stay up 23 hours but I sure as heck did it… and it felt good. I am happy drunk so I had everyone laughing since they hardly see that side of me, usually I do drink and in control but somethimes you just need to go for it. As I say “Screw it!”, and let me forget for one evening how much its killing me inside.

Its been rough with Alan, I dont understand what is going on…We hardly talked since last Thursday. I guess this is the part of being the OW that I hate. However, he did say he needed space not from me (SUPPOPSELY) but he felt closterphonia but I took it as including me… especially since those were his last words to me and than I didnt hear from him till Saturday morning… which I didnt answer his call on purpose… First, I did have a hangover and sounded like I had a rough night and second I was hurt by his actions. I know we are two grown adults to be playing games but I never been told in so many words that they need space. Its killing me right now… I never felt so rejected and maybe its all in my head but I also didnt care for someone as I do him. Why? did I have to let go of my heart especially to a man who doesnt deserve it. I havent communicated with him either I never do. I always let him be the one to do it first, figure since he is married. I wouldnt want to risk his wife finding out about me though I know she caught him twice already. However, I figure if he wants me he will make the effort. I guess right now he doesnt want to…

I am missing him… but worse I wonder if this is a significate sign of things to come…

Screw this… I need a drink!!

8 Mar

Dear….

There is so much going on that I am surprised I havent had a melt down. I am trying so hard to clean up house and by that I mean getting rid of that log on my couch, my son’s friend and I want my home back. I need to go on a drinking binge and become one of those woman who get drunk and not deal with reality. However, I wont but am planning on having fun this weekend. I need to relax and just forget these curve balls. I also think I been reading to many blogs in how the OW is the bad one and the wife the sweet innocent. Screw that!! Maybe I am menopausal right now… but I guess with the events of life this week made me think… Usually I do good with dealing with it and just laugh it off…but maybe not this week… Alan asked me in so many words he needs space.. It must be menopause… for I feel like crying…. 😦

To start off.. Past..

I always been dependable woman. Making sure had a roof over my kids head, worked hard plus went to school after my divorce. I been able to brush of any negative feelings and just smile at what life has given me. My ex is a character and I am surprised that my kids are not more messed up than I thought. But must be doing something good if my son is actually going to graduate from high school and joining the military. My daughter is a straight As student in AP classes. However, I have struggled to keep my ex out of their lives. I wouldn’t have done that but you have to understand my ex husband is not a great father. I do have an oldest daughter I hardly talk about her and actually hope she doesn’t come into my life any day soon or at least till she is all grown up. My ex husband is a user not just drugs all of it… takes your money, hangs out with teens and gives them drugs and alcohol so he can also get his. He doesn’t care about our kids and will manipulate them against what I believe. He gave my oldest her first joint and alcohol and left her on the streets to fend for herself. She refused to call me for she knew I was right. It doesn’t stop there. He also did the same for my son.

I been fighting this demon for almost 12 years. I lucky that I been able to keep him away from my other daughter. But its been a struggle. Who wants to hang with a parent that believes you should work hard, finish school and not become a static. My ex husband has taken me to court for the last 12 years for anything. He doesn’t want to pay child support and honestly, I don’t care anymore. I am proud to say I did it!! However, he is the fun dad and what do teens enjoy more, the one that lets them drink and party or the one that wants you to become something in life. I am surprised I done so well with my son. He has stopped smoking and is actually doing good. Its been hell for the last year, his smoking pot, fighting with all I had in me. However, this weekend I was thrown another curve ball. My youngest wants to go see her dad and her sister. How the hell do I just let her go. I know that I am supposed to trust that she will be smart enough but you have to understand my ex to know my fears. He has been able to make my daughter smoke and drink. She is know 21 with three kids and heaven knows who the fathers are. I was able to save my son but its been hell of a struggle to get him where he is at. I don’t know if I have any more strength left.

Second, I had to kick a 18-year-old out of my home. He has no place to go. It was hard but I am tired. I need to take over my home again and clean up by getting rid of people I don’t need to be supporting.

Third,
I am not a bad woman, Yes, I am fucking another womans man but he wouldn’t be in my arms if you would be the wife he wants you to be. I am not bad. I never taken money from no one, worked my cushion to be where I am at and I have a heart. Yes, there is woman out there who do so much for their husband’s and yet they turn around and cheat on them. Those wives I feel bad for.. they don’t deserve it but what about the ones who stay in the marriage for money or the ones that stay for the fear of being alone or they need to keep their status. The ones that will take for granted that the man will stay no matter what because there is too much money to lose. Or what about the ones that just plainly don’t care. What if this man is the man you truly love but faith was cruel. I am not saying all affairs are acceptable but there are some that do have expectation to the rule. I don’t expect Alan to leave his wife.. actually he better not leave her for me. That would be crazy to expect anything, will I be his mistress and put a hold on my life, NO. No matter how much I love this man I would be insane to believe I will be his lover for the rest of his life. However, I think Alan is going through something and needs his space and I am giving it to him no questions asked. But somehow I have the feeling it has to do with me. I know people expect to be with the one they love for their rest of their lives but not me. I love him but know that I need to be realistic about life. We never made promises and he knows that if I ever met another man I would give this man a chance and he does lose the chance of losing me. However, just thinking I might lose him hurts words can not describe the feeling. The pain is overwhelming especially right now. He has become more than a friend in my life that I am not even sure how he got there. He doesn’t know that my love for him is true for I wont tell him. I refuse to talk about love with him for that’s when promises will be made and unmet. I know that he needs his space. I truly hope it has nothing to do with me. However, if he wants I will walk away and disappear for I want him to be happy. How can life be so cruel to me? Why, after three years does he feel so closterphobia and needs his space.

Home alone…

3 Mar

Dear ….

So much has happened since my surprise for Alan. He was surprised and learned something new about me as well as I did of him It amazes me after three years we can still learn from each other. I hate it though … I hate that we can never be more than we are. I hate that after 30 years I actually fell in love. I sometimes wonder if it was cause of the way I treated men that somehow Karma is hitting me back. That’s another subject I should write about….

Well back to my last few days…. The surprise i was giving him included a leather outfit, whip etc., was a big big success. It wasn’t till we started making out the he realized I was wearing it…. I was planning to opening up my dress and let it fall so he could see what was underneath but instead he was the one who discovered it and undressed me, he started kissing me down my neck and discovered my surprise…. What a turn on… And it was on… I don’t understand how we always manage to fuck so great after several years of being together..isn’t it after several years its supposed to slow down… i always tell him how is it we start by making love and end up fucking like porn stars… Mmmmm

Afterwards we talked about bondage and Dom/sub.. We agreed to start off slow. We are even attending an adultcon to buy toys together. We also decided to go to our first swinger party… It’s been both our fantasy and make it a weekend full of sexual discoveries… What I love about him is that he lets me push my limits. He even said if we don’t fuck anyone it’s ok… It’s about discovering, told him great for not sure I can go that far… But knowing I am going has me in horny town… It’s going to be hard to wait for couple of weeks… I been so happy so excited and its not often I get to spend the night with him.. So you can imagine me on Cloud 9… Than reality sinks in..

It’s funny, how reality can push you off that cloud quickly without giving you much of a choice. Well, so happens we hardly ever talk about my roommate or his wife. He knows my roommate lives in the living room, I go out with my friends till the weave hours and I do basically what I want. He knew I don’t sleep with no one but him. He tells me he hasn’t slept with his wife for years but they are best fiends. He is somewhat honest (he is a cheater) told me he would never leave his wife, his family will come first, spends quality time with his wife, dinners, movies, trips but no sex…i believe him for i was in the same situation. He has also made me NO PROMISES. I haven’t either, told him if the right man comes I must leave him and give myself completely to him. We only said I love you twice in three years being together.. And I think we are afraid to admit what we feel. Sometimes it’s best to pretend than accept.

Well, Saturday morning his wife suspects about our weekend. She knows he is up to no Good. She has known about me but thinks its over. I don’t understand her concept..
First time told him to ended, I should have run but he didn’t and I couldn’t, he was healing me and it was too hard to let him go. The pain is too powerful. Second, time yelled at him, got over it five minutes later and acted like nothing happened. They even went on vacation for three weeks. I know if I was in her shoes I would have taken my best friend and to figure out what to do next. Lucky for me it had nothing to do with me, but something about Facebook. She actually checked his phone, computer and iPad. It so happens that I texted him at that moment. He deleted it quickly but it was a close call.

It’s funny how now he must be a good husband now and calm her down, make her happy but who’s there for me? Is the golden question, who is here wiping my tears telling me that I need to stop what I doing or give me the strength for he could truly never belong to me. I know I wouldn’t let him go but it hurts to be the other woman. Heaven knows when I will hear from him maybe by Tuesday or Wednesday? Nobody here to give me that hug I need… I don’t want sympathy from no one. I already know I will second but it’s hard as hell to let to of someone you love…