Archive | April, 2013

MISCOMMUNICATION IS A PAIN…

25 Apr

Dear…

Alan and I saw each other last night apparently he thought I was mad at him so he kept his distance from me. He wanted to give me space. He claims he sent a text which I never received. Is he lying? I don’t know maybe he needed space from me. Maybe he just won’t admit it and wants to blame someone else for his own feelings. Last night he asked me straight forward if I loved him… I responded with a “Yes.” Thats the first time he asked me so bluntly. We played house again. I think he is really liking it. I know I am too. I didn’t freak out but did tell him toward the night ending if he ignores me again. I might not come back. He says he doesn’t want to lose me but knows eventually he will have to let me go. Why are we having these kind of discussions when we know that we don’t know what the future brings us. He asked me if I had slept with anyone since I been with him. I wasn’t sure how to respond especially since I really do try to keep my personal life out of ours. Why ask me all of suddenly when he knows he can never belong to me. Why ask me if I love him, why pretend to play house??? Is his feelings changing and also having a hard time accepting them. When I first got there he said he almost told me to go home because he had a bad day. Argument with the wife, plus his mother. It’s the first time he tells me argued with the wife. I always imagine them to have the good relationship. I also realized he hates conflict. He rather pushed it under the rug. He doesn’t do well with coping. He looked so tired and miserable at least I brought him some comfort for a little bit.

I keep asking myself when did I know he was the one. I keep saying fate is cruel for the one is not supposed to be married but available to me. I miss him already and wish that I was with him.

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It’s no fun…

24 Apr

Dear…

Missing you… Wishing to hear your voice… I think of you all the time. It saddens me that I am at this point. I haven’t heard from you in five days. This is the role I took though to be your lover. You never gone this long without me. This is the part I hate about not picking up that phone and to be able to call you freely. I hate that I don’t have rights to you. It’s hard being the OW. Many do not realize the pain that comes with this role, however, I do it cause I love you. I rather have stolen moments than not feel love. Something I am not used too. I hate that I wait for your call something I never done before, I hate not knowing if I will see you again or if our affair has come to an end. I hate being second place and never be number one. I hate you can never belong to me. Yet, I continue because I love you.

Not even sure anymore

23 Apr

Dear…

Its been a hard week for me. I feel that since this year started either I am crying or depressed. Every time I take two steps forwards someone pushes me 3 back. Since when do I let this happen, I am supposed to be a strong, independent, kick ass woman. My roommate lost his job so I am back to paying all the bills completely… I was hoping he at least contribute something but no hope there. Plus, he goes finds a job, turns around and quits after an hour cause he feels he is over qualified. Hello!!! You are one step from becoming homeless…. WTF!!! This is my hell.. I must have been a real bad person to have this happening to me. I am struck supporting a man who I don’t even care or love. I been trying to be nice but hate that he changed my life to the worse. I feel I am stuck in wonderland and no escape in sight.

With Alan, well what can I say… I played house with him last week (not once twice). Cooked him dinner, talked, fucked than it hits me. I am not supposed to do this. I am his escape not a relationship. When did that change. However, I been upset with him for it and really haven’t talked to him in 5 days. I don’t know which is worse not talking to him or realizing something is changing. I do not want to deal with it. Maybe the end is coming for us sooner than we both want. I love him enough to know that I am his fantasy. I know that he can not deal with the reality of a true relationship. Cooking for him is wrong, pretending to be a couple is wrong. It’s not my place. He hasn’t called me which shows me that he can’t deal with the conflict. If he can’t deal with this minor issue makes me wonder why he wants to play house and yet not deal with the reality of what we are. I am sure that once I am in his arms things will go back to normal but honestly, reality is I am not his greener pasture just an invisible friend who pops in once in a while. i need to keep telling myself this so I don’t fall into this trap as well. He is hurting me by not calling me and this should tell me that he doesn’t care and afraid of reality. How can I be in love with a man who has no empathy for others.

What can I say

15 Apr

Dear….

I really don’t know how to respond to Alan or what to say. I havent seen him since my spring break and could have seen him last Saturday but I had to spend it with my family.

So I am missing him greatly. There is a chance I might see him tomorrow but then I might not. His wife might get fired from work and is planning on staying home for a while. How am I suppose to react to this? I usually don’t complain to him but did tell him: I can’t call you or text you (btw.. its my choice not his.. he hates I wont text him or call him) and now not going to see you…. why not just end it??? Why don’t I have the courage to just end it? I need him to let me go? I feel that my world is falling apart when it comes to him. I am strong woman who has survive mostly anything that has been thrown at me. I been doing it for so long but the pain in my heart when I think of letting him go is overwhelming. I know that I can not continue for the rest of my life to be a lover to him. Realistically that would be insane. I been hoping to meet a new man and that I can focus on him but he always pops into my mind. He is the one my body, heart and mind aches for.

I do hope to see him tomorrow but deep inside part of me thinks it wont happen. I was supposed to see him today and his wife took the day off. I think for someone who is getting fired I would be there with my angel wings on but then she doesn’t really have to work.

However, what I don’t get is why all of sudden does she care what he does? I always believed she was having an affair only cause of what he has told me.. now if you stay home, while he is working you can enjoy your love but what about me… of course I wouldn’t tell him the truth for I want him to believe she is a great woman and it’s not my place. I am not trying to justified our affair but from what he says I could see why she would. I will never understand their marriage but then I will never understand how I could love you from all the men who are around me…

I missing you greatly today… I just don’t know how much longer I will put up with this or when I will wake up and realize I am wasting my time on someone who can never love me back as I deserve. Even as I write these words my heart breaks for I know its the truth underneath our illusion or maybe my just my illusion not ours. Is that you could never belong to me for you belong to someone else.

Hate this feeling…

9 Apr

dear….

Just hating this feeling of wanting a man I can not have. I missing him and would have seen him Saturday if it wasnt my sister’s birthday. Why should I even be upset that this week his wife took the same days off as he did. Why should I even care if he doesn’t belong to me and never will… why are my feelings changing? Why can’t I control them? Hate this feeling of needing someone especially him. It isn’t like its all about sex. I could have gotten laid this weekend by two other men. Great guys, but turn them down for this man, who can’t belong to me. I rather have one great love than have several who can never fulfill me as he can.

I miss the way he looks at me, the way he makes me feel as if I was the only woman for him. I miss the way his skin feels against mine when we entwine with each other. The way he can kiss me that makes my toes curl and my heart peter patter. I miss holding him. I miss his touch. I miss his smile. I miss him completely. I never felt this way for any other man. When he takes me in his arms as if he is welcoming me home. When he touches me and the look in his eyes as he enjoys it.

Sometimes after a period of not being able to see each other, its like re discovering one and the other. He will hug me tight and I will return it… We will catch up with each other lives. We talk for a little bit and then I turn into his whore. Yes, his whore the one that is willing to give him pleasure the one that will give herself completely in the bedroom. I always said… You treat a lady like a whore and a whore like a lady…. and you see the amazing results in between. It was a saying my aunt passed down to me when I first started dating… She always told me that if a man wanted on the kitchen stove you better do it or otherwise some else will. But that’s a different post..

I am missing him. I guess Patience is part of the waiting part. Just wish I could find a distraction that is worth more than this man can give me. I keep praying to God to send me the right one but all I get his him. Maybe its Karma for being such a slut when I was younger. Yet, this man can make me feel things no man has been able to how can that be Karma.

Pulling my hair is really…

8 Apr

Dear…

I know I am supposed to use you as therapy but that is not working. I am tired of pulling my hair and trying to figure out my feelings. Its hard. I don’t want to worry about anything but myself and my kids. However, How is this going to work if I don’t even feel like writing.

My roommate lost his job again. I am tired of supporting a man and him eating my food. I stopped buying groceries so my kids and I are suffering. If we want a snack off we go to the store. He said I was mean because I didn’t buy him a hamburger. Maybe it wasnt nice but then I don’t get to use my kitchen, dinning room or living room… I am always upstairs locked up in my room. I just didn’t feel like buying him a burger figured he is 53 years old and needs to grow up maybe it was mean but we did eat it in our rooms. I know its wrong to take food away from others( but then I didn’t really take it away I just didn’t buy one for him) but how is he going to get a job if I continue the way I am. Figure maybe he will get tired of eating beans and rice and actually go look for a real job and learn to keep it. I sometimes wonder if he does that on purpose to keep himself at my home. I know he is sick and that he could pass away and that is the only reason he is still in my home. But should I support him? should I really let him continue living off of me? I don’t want him there but feel like I am obligated to cause of his health. I don’t bug him or say more than a few words. He got a giant screen TV, stereo, computer plus I am just going to take the cell phone away so he does live comfortable maybe to comfortable, however, no food in the refrigerator.

People might think I don’t have a heart for I wont buy groceries but where do I cut the line. I could only be so nice before I feel that they are taking advantage of me. I just know that he lied to me about his job and health. He saw an idiot in me and that is how he moved in. So why do I feel guilty about not buying groceries. I tell my kids if they are hungry go to grandma’s. She lives a few blocks away. Is it mean? Is it mean not to feed a man i don’t love or care for? Its funny, but the only compassion he gets is that I don’t want him dying on the streets so what do I do?

At the same time I havent seen Alan since my spring vacation. I am missing him but I couldnt see him on Saturday. I had to celebrate my sisters birthday and needed to be there. I havent really talk to him since Saturday. He gets upset with me because I wont tell him whats going on my life but than he is married and I dont ask about his. I wonder what he would say if I told him I didnt feel like buying my roommate a burger and that I am refusing to buy food for the house. Times like this its like a splash of cold water, He could never truly be a friend for we are limited.

Still digesting…

2 Apr

Dear….

I know last time I talked about how I was going to a swingers club and that this was his birthday gift to him. We actually didn’t swing with anyone but did fuck in front of others. I have to admit I loved it. I found it erotic to watch others and them watch us. It was liking being pulled into a fantasy where everyone was making love. I even laughed at couple that was being playful. I do believe that weekend made us closer than I want to admit. I was so worried that I wouldn’t be able to handle him for twenty-four hours which did get extend another twenty-four hours, however he was in his best behavior and so was I. It was our first weekend together after 3 years of being lovers/friends.

I never asked him to spend the weekend with me. He is married and belongs to his wife. I never stepped out of my boundaries. I know that the dynamics where different when we first started. I was with my ex boyfriend (now roommate) and that was OK with me. I remember crossing that line and not feeling guilty maybe cause I did give it my all and never really got anywhere but anguish from being ignored. I still stuck with him on my livingroom couch.

Alan was great that weekend and don’t understand how our feelings deepen. I thought for sure we wouldn’t get along. That somehow after three years that we would be over our honeymoon stage but it wasnt. Somehow this made us closer. So I stayed away from him for two days before I started aching for him. I spent another two nights with him. How am I going to avoid these feeling? We didn’t speak about love or feelings of any kind. It’s a taboo for us. I know where he belongs and what I am. However, you can not help but feel it what we both were going through. I give him total respect and he knows that I don’t want anything from him. I dont make demands or expect anything from him. I hate that my heart aches for him. I keep telling myself that what I am feeling is all illusion, that his actions, he is expressing are all lies. But how can that be possible, when no words are being expressed. When we held hands and didn’t say a word the comfort we felt. When we laughed or just get comfortable in each others arms. It felt perfect. I know what I am doing is SO WRONG but How can it be wrong when it feels so good. I fallen in love with this man. Even if I try to fight my feelings this man owns them. I need to pull away but don’t have the strength. The way he held me and I him, you would have thought we were the only two. I keep telling myself that maybe we should speak but his actions and mine are speaking louder than we both expected. Speaking only leads to lies and promises that will never be met.

I was so hoping his wife would call so I can be pulled back down to reality but not once did she. The sad part is, I understand once you stop caring for another like I did for my roommate you no longer care what they are doing so why call them. Its hard when you reach a point of not caring even harder when you don’t know how to return to it.