Archive | May, 2013

Wondering…

28 May

Dear….

Life is keeping me busy from writing… I BEEN SO BUSY!! My roommate moved out. I felt bad for him but I had to do this. My parents and friends ask me if he has a place to go and my answer is always I don’t know and he is a grown man, not my problem. They tell me don’t you feel bad and my response has been, if you feel bad you can go ahead and offer your home. I couldn’t do this anymore, it was hard coming home and seeing him just lay there on the couch. I was excited in him leaving it’s a relief. I didn’t cancel his medical insurance but I figure at least not for awhile. Dealing with this and Alan has been overwhelming… It felt weird after he left… but at the same time so exciting of starting a new life. (Second time I do this) My son is leaving in a few weeks as well. I think this is making Alan nervous. He knows I been redecorating my home and trashing old stuff and getting ready to bring in new. However, this is freedom to be able to do much more. I haven’t been able to host a get together cause of my roommate and now I am getting ready for my first BBQ around the 4th of July. I been asking my male friends to help me fix things at home, I think this really bugs Alan but he lives far and honestly, I don’t want him to help me (Well, maybe a little bit) cause this will only bring more attraction that I need to stay away from. I think he is feeling insecure about us. He doesn’t realize the power he has and I am not about to tell him. He has been bugging me and asking me why I haven’t invited him over and will he ever get invitation. I just not ready yet besides I want to enjoy working on redecorating my home with no outsiders tell me what I should do…

Alan has been great (for now) but getting to dangerous point when it comes to being sloppy in our affair. First, I don’t understand his wife, I mean she has found my hairs and yet she did nothing, she asked, he said, I don’t know and left it alone. She has the feeling (she has too) but won’t question it. Second, he been inviting me to his home more and more yet, I ask him why are you putting me at risk. He couldn’t answer me. I told him, if we get caught its over between us… his response was “Not Necessary” HUH??? … Third, he is expressing more emotions that ever and its scaring me. Twice he has been joking around telling me that his wife left him cause they are tired of each other. That I don’t understand why someone would joke this way, that’s plain cruel. Fourth, I can honestly say I don’t understand their marriage. Yet, I wonder about them. Is their financial stability more important than happiness or maybe they are happy. I know they go out to dinners and many family functions. He claims the only thing missing is sex and the intimacy but otherwise they get along great. However, lately he has been complaining and I just been listening. It’s funny, but I am being more careful do to the fact that he has been caught usually around the end of June and July so I am staying away a bit and it helps that I have a huge project to work on. Yet, it’s making him nervous that I haven’t had time for him and that I am getting ready to start a new chapter in my life. He doesn’t realize that I am taking this time to figure things out. Not sure what life will bring but it will be exciting to start new, maybe that is why I getting rid of everything old and starting out fresh.

I miss him but I been declining him not sure why but I have, but I agreed to see him soon. I don’t understand why seeing him makes me so nervous, it’s like high school all over. He doesn’t even realize how important he is to me but I also realize that he and I could end our relationship in a blink of an eye and that scares me. I know eventually he will be like most MM denying the OW and claiming love to his wife, as sad as it sounds I have accepted it. So I need to figure myself out again. I been so busy being what others expect from me but I haven’t taken the time to figure out my wants, which I used to know. I think this will be the summer that will be unforgettable all the way around.

Time will tell

16 May

Dear…

Life couldn’t be complicate right now for me… I haven’t had time to actually sit back and enjoy due to my roommate… (Soon to be ex-roommate/boyfriend/friend whatever the heck he was).

Alan and I are reaching a level I am not sure I want to walk in. After three years and trying to control our feelings expect when we make love. That’s about the only place we can not deny our hearts what they so much desire. I fell in love with a man who belongs to someone else and its scaring me more and more. I am afraid my mind is no longer in control. I was always so able to control my heart but this man has broken all barrels, the metal walls with electric fencing surrounding my heart. I am not sure what to do. He does not know what is going on at home but he senses changes in me. He knows I am trying to avoid the “Love” word. He keeps telling me there will be no other like him. Boy, he doesn’t he realize how true these words are. It seems he is crossing a line and not sure he knows what he is doing either or what he is planning. He told me he loves me… I don’t respond back for I know once I say those words there is no turning back. I already let myself slip up once. Its getting harder and harder to deny my love for him.

We have been playing house to, after my first initial shock, I been good in not to react however, I am loving it too much, yet, its an illusion, isn’t? Now that my roommate is leaving, I am redoing my whole home. He suggesting colors I should use, as if he thinks he will be living with me. Little does he know, I am not planning in inviting him to my home or I should say I am hoping he doesn’t push the issue. He has been asking me why I wont invite him over now. I don’t want to tell him the truth that I had a leech, that didn’t want let me go and would make me feel worse than crap (not that it matters anymore). I knew, he disliked roommate and I just felt it was better if he didn’t know he was still there.

I need to live alone for a while before I transition into any kind of relationship, not that it matters, he belongs to someone else. We were balanced now its changed. I need this time to heal, get stronger and figure out what I want. I never have been alone long enough to realize my wants, relationship wise anyways. I want to figure that out without any distractions but how can I? I can not stop talking to him, the pain would be to great and not sure how others can let go of a love. He has been wonderful lately so much of the man of my dreams. Its been hard to say good bye to him till I see him next time. It seems we want more time but I am still keeping it to once a week no more than twice. I realizing this is the man who I can make a life with. I didn’t fall hard in love in the beginning of our relationship. Yes, we had passion and the great connection. However, Love it crept up slowly without both of us knowing it. Our passion, intimacy, laughter have gotten stronger each day taking us to a different level. Is this love? Dont get me wrong we have gotten into disagreements but nothing serious. Nothing we haven’t work through. Yet, I can not imagine my life without him there. He even asked me to please find a man who is willing to accept him because he does not want to let me go. He claims I would hurt him, I told him it was not fair for he is married and I want to find my own love. How can he ask me such a thing from me.

That is why I need to gather myself up again. Heal, rediscover my own wants again. To unconfused myself from this. It is not like I am the type that needs to be with someone. I Love being alone, I love my alone time. I enjoy being the one in control of my life. I enjoy being in charge of what I do and what I want to do. I been doing it for so long that I am not even sure I can give up my independence. Though I had my roommate living with me, I did whatever I wanted to do. Yet, I feel I need to heal and rediscover myself. I need to decide am I going to wait on the side lines for a man who can never be mine Or am I going out there and start over with someone new.

It going to take time to figure this all out, I have the feeling he is going to make this hard for me. He does make me so happy. In the middle of my roommates drama he is the one that brings me a smile and happiness as no other.

DOUBLE – – AAARRGGG!!!

15 May

Dear…

It’s been hell at home… My Freaken Roommate just won’t stop with the BS… I am sticking to my guns no matter what. He must leave on the 25th of May. I am trying to avoid him but he is pulling so many tricks up his sleeve. He went as low as to take old toys out that the kids have not played with since they were little. I heard him reminiscing with them and telling them he was going to miss them. The next day MY kids were mad at me. I was so upset that he would go as low as that to try to make my kids feel guilty that I am kicking him out. I don’t understand why, I have this urge to kick his ass with a frying pan. I think after so long of not being together why would you want to live with an ex who does not even talk to you. Everyday it seems he giving me drama. I am tired of him living for free. He is turning down places because its’ too expensive… 550 for a nice room by the beach is not expensive actually that is a FUCKEN GOOD DEAL!!!
All of suddenly he wants to reconcile… well, reconcile out of my home!! I still remember the pain of rejection… the pain of him not knowing that he couldn’t fuck me and if he did… pretending that he was inside of me… how the HELL do you forget what a pussy feels like… OR did he honestly think I don’t remember… he kept saying you been so loyal to me… why would you want to end this… AAARRGG!!!

I am so mad at him for making this difficult for me. I asked that he leave peacefully with no drama. Pulling these kind of guns is not peaceful play but plain cruel. I am just waiting for him to tell me he is in ICU cause of his heart… but I promise you now I will dump his stuff in his room. He kept saying what am I, going to do without insurance told him I would keep him on and not to worry. I just want you out plain and simple.

I just want to live alone for a while and figure my life out.
So much is going on with Alan that I really need to figure out what is my next move… but when you got a roommate making this difficult makes it hard to enjoy….

AAARRGGG!!!!!!!

10 May

Dear…

Lots have happened that I haven’t really had time to write. I actually made a move and kicked my roommate out told him he needed to be out by the 25th of May. He has been trying to make me feel guilty. He said I have not given him enough noticed and that it’s not fair he has no where to go and that I do. He claims he doesn’t have no where to live but he was hoping to be able to give me some money soon (how if he doesn’t even work) I feel bad about doing this but what choice did he give me. I don’t want him there smelling up my home (literally) I so tired of not feeling free in my home. I tried so hard to be the friend (ex-girlfriend) he needed but all he did was play games. He always seemed to have money for golfing or hanging out with friends. He never had money to pay the rent. I should have done this a long time ago but I always felt so guilty still am. I never really thought this day will come. I am excited actually my daughter and I are excited. My mom asked how does it feel to kick someone out and know they don’t have anywhere to go… than my excitement turned into sadness but if I don’t do this and not take care of myself. I will go nuts.

I just stay locked up in my room. Thinking and thinking how the hell I ended up to be the one grounded in my own home. Why am I not listening to what people keep telling me… How the hell did I get manipulated into supporting a man who I DON’T even want!!

He won’t stop… he claims first that he was hoping we could walk the sunset together (WTF), and he does not like that he could no longer look at me even though he knows him and I seldom talk, and I am hardly ever home, he says will I be able to visit you… HELL!! NNOO!!! I know him he will try to move back in… Than he started with his health problem, he claims how is his heart going to not dig seeing the doctor or not being able to get his medicine if he has no more medical insurance, so I agreed to keep him on the health insurance so he can just leave ( how long will I keep him I don’t know). Than he claimed nobody wants to take me in, (his closes friends all said NO)… so I told him go find a week by week motel… than he says that’s not safe, they might steal my stuff, WHAT STUFF?? Nothing in this home belongs to him… so on and so on… at last I told him I am being evicted you have no choice, I didn’t pay the rent so you need to get out!!!… Everyday so far this week, I been avoiding my home… MY HOME I BEEN AVOIDING… he has gotten now in the habit of knocking on my door pleading with me that he will so how find the 800 dollars so he can pay rent for this month… but what about the following month and the one next… I told him take that money and go find yourself a place…

Sometimes I wonder if this is my Karma for being with Alan. Well, I am done, feeling guilty, done being manulipated by a man who has been a leech. Not my problem where he goes my only problem is my daughter. I can not help but see how happy she is about him moving out. I am actually happy too… It’s like a relief but don’t want to count my chicken till they hatch and I am praying they hatch on the 25th…