Archive | June, 2013

tired…

17 Jun

Dear….

Feeling really disappointed with Alan today. I let him have it on Friday evening about me being sick and that he didn’t even bother to call me and check up. Plain and simply told him he just does not care and to stop the bullshit. Well, after our conversation I end up in the emergency again. Almost had emergency surgery thank God!! I didn’t. However, I am trying to be understanding do to it was his daughter graduation and they are having a three day celebration. I am sick and afraid to end up being admitted into the hospital that I am being a bitch. So I told him Saturday morning when he texted me that I would not be able to have sex for 2 weeks. Told him if I felt better maybe we can just hang out and if I am up to it will blow him, give him a back rub, laugher and just enjoy each others company. Wow, what a naïve individual I am…

Of course we are not hanging out this week and most likely not till I get better that is if I want too, yup it’s my decision now. . I think Alan just gave me strength to end this roll coaster ride… that is what I say right now… as long as I avoid him I should be strong. I am glad he does not know how deep my feelings run but I will be damn if I will be lied, too. Of course all cheaters are lairs but with me, frankly I don’t care if you don’t leave your wife or not. Always told him; from the beginning why change the level of our relationship if we are just fuck buddies, no need to lie for we know where we stand. If we were just in a fuck buddy relationship than I can deal with this non emotional relationship aspect but do no play me my own feelings against me, do not play me period. He knows that I was the type who can fuck without having to feel the emotional connection; however, he took me beyond that. He convinced me to trust him with my heart which only took the sexual level beyond its expectations. He knew I hadn’t let anyone in for over 25 years. Slowly he crept in and chipped into the wall I had built. I should just blame myself for trusting him and believing his lies. I should have known that he just wanted to see how far he could take me. Well, all I can say lucky the next bastard who gets to play with me. I sure as hell learned so much and I know that I am not willing to let it go but Heck, its time I became a teacher and teach the next man, who will be with me how much more I am willing to be pushed. The only problem with this is not sure I can play as hard as I did with Alan. Sad part Alan does not even realize what a sexual monster he has created and thinks it only belongs to him. Well, My sweet Alan I might not be feeling well and maybe I am over reacting but I think its time I put and close my heart towards you and find myself a New Fuck buddy I can play with cause your emotional roll coater is coming to end.

Maybe I am being a little drama queen but am tired of this ride…

It’s time…

14 Jun

Dear…

Just like I figured Alan has not contacted me and working on the 3rd day, he is on vacation with his family. It’s harder this time cause I end up having a infected cyst that needed to be removed right away nothing serious minor outpatient surgery the next day after seeing him but painful as hell. The worse part I made it worse by having sex the night before (wasn’t complaining than was I). Of course, my urges were more important than the pain I was feeling at the time. I told my friend, I was paying the piper for playing and the piper was/is an Asshole/Bitch rolled up as one and punishing me for my actions. However, what bothers me more… Is that Alan does not even know what is going on. He gets upset with me because I will not open up but how can I when all I see is that he has no contact with me till he is in the mood. He wanted to see me next week but I won’t be going. I think this time the piper won and I am not about to start another battle with him again. Besides vacation starts for me next week and I want to enjoy and not be laid up in bed. But mostly cause I am hurting with his behavior, its time to stop complaining. I understand he hasn’t seen his parents in a while I think two years but still a simple text or call would have made me happy. Just to check on me, he knew that I had this bump and he was not happy I didn’t tell him right away but if you gave a hoot maybe a text saying “did you see the doctor yet” would have been the appropriate thing to say the next day but he didn’t. I am tired of making excuses for him. I am tired of working my life around him. It’s time I started getting it back. I just wish I was not so weak and addicted to him. I can bitch and complain all I want but my actions need to be seen and made very clear, that I come first not to him but for myself.

I know when I agreed to be the OW I would be second place but then I did have a sick man at home living with me. Well, that man is gone (yyyeeaaahh) and that definitely changed the concept of our relationship which made it unbalanced. Yet, Alan wants me to make him priority yet, I am still in second place. The funny part I always told Alan, the way to keep me is make me feel like you care. So usually he behaves for a few weeks but then old habits come back, which makes me wonder if he is the one with the problem at home and not his wife. I wonder if his wife tried and now just accepted him for what he is. She probably figures it’s comfortable just to stay in a sexless relationship (for what he tells me, Heaven knows, especially since he is a lair) and non intimate one as well, finances sometimes out win the intimacy of another human. I know he lies. He lies to me and his wife, yet he claims he is honest. How can you be honest when all you do is lie but I think the biggest person he lies to is, himself. I think once you start lying to yourself you can never see the truth and will always find a way to lie to yourself to make yourself feel better or justify what your actions are. I think that’s where I am at… I think I am done lying to myself and start facing the truth that is in front of me. I might not like it but the first person I need to confront is me…
I am my worse enemy and its time I take it as for what it is and start being honest to myself. I also know that I can’t let him go cold turkey but I sure as hell can keep myself busy if need be. Besides am I not re-doing my home maybe I should slow down and make this project last as I try to over come my addiction of Alan.

Always one-sided….

11 Jun

Dear…..

Today I am seeing Alan, after not hearing from him in couple of days. Why am I going because I love him, because I miss him, because I can’t live with the pain in my chest when I try to let him go. I miss the way he touches me, the way he makes me feel. Yet, tomorrow I will feel the loneliness and question myself once more if he truly does cares. He is like my drug that I can never get enough of. The kind of drug that says you need more. One more hit so you can survive. When is this vicious cycle going to end? When am I going to be that strong woman people see in me however, can they see with him I am the wimpy girl who does not have the strength to walk away? I keep telling myself just keep it to sex but how can I when he makes love to me. I keep telling myself that he is nothing but someone I can escape reality from but yet he is my oasis. This conflict is my hell on earth. He is my love the one that could be my soul mate yet, he belongs to someone else. He could have been so much more yet, I am his play toy. He claims he does not want me to leave him that I could break his heart, to find someone who will let me keep him on the side. Yet, he does nothing to reassure this. He says so many things but his actions sure speak so much more. Yet, if he smells a man near me, he goes in there full force (calls, seeing me, telling me sweet nothings) making me forget to give this other man, a chance he is not willing to risk in losing me. It’s funny how MM can behave if they feel threaten in losing someone but yet they keep their wives/husbands nice and safe. I think about how as women we can go ahead and end a bad relationship to be with them but yet, they are so afraid to end what feels comfortable to them. This is so what affairs are one-sided anyways, one is always willing to give up their time to be with them, make the sacrifices that are needed but yet they can’t do the same for us. It’s always one-sided…

CRAZY BUSY

10 Jun

Dear…..

I been thinking of this rollercoaster ride I am taking with Alan. I been with married men before but ended as soon as I felt he was getting attached or me. However, with Alan I feel I am playing a dangerous game. He is the Second man I have let walk into my life and play the Love game with. I have been keeping myself “Crazy busy” at home, cleaning, painting, anything to keep myself busy. I guess in a way cleaning up my home would signify I am trying to take out the trash and bring in a new clean life. However, today’s phone call made me think in how life is for me with this man. I hadn’t heard from him in a few days and yet, he texts me that he is crazy busy and then he calls me to tell me, he was busy with his wife.

So why does it bother me? So I start thinking if I was in a normal relationship this wouldn’t be happening, or am I wrong? Why would him not calling me bother me so much and why for the first time in our relationship I felt a pang of jealously. I think with a “Real” boyfriend getting away without calling and saying they are crazy busy would be inexcusable. I would point this out to them and give them a taste of their medicine and disappear for a few days, forget the jealously part. With MM, I let it slide but the jealous still lingers. I wonder if this fantasy world we live in, though he feels real and the heart says it’s real am going to always feel less important. My next question is am I truly important to him? I guess in a way I am since I am the dumb one to agree to be his mistress rules. I am thinking too hard and trying to figure out what my life will be if I left him…

I imagine it would devastate me and I don’t know if I could survive this (maybe a little over dramatic here). We are supposed to get together tomorrow before his parents arrive and before he leaves for his vacation. I guess getting laid before his life gets “Crazy Busy” is a priority. He always teases me that I don’t have my priorities in order meaning he should be first. But if I am not first on his list why should he be on mine. Since I know that he will not call me during his vacation, I was surprised he wanted to see me tomorrow especially since he did start vacation today. However, it makes me think about how he has been behaving lately. Usually he calls me everyday and is considerate but I guess right now I will make an excuse and say he is going on vacation and must be “Crazy Busy”. However, when am I going to get tired of being treated like I am second best when is my heart going to let him go. I guess painting, cleaning and keeping myself “Crazy Busy”. Might work for a while but when it all ends what happens than? I need to make some decisions. It breaks my heart to think of letting him go but the “Common sense side” of me says I have no choice but the side of me that truly loves him says he is the man for me. So I guess I better get myself to become “Crazy Busy” as he puts it and figure things out before I waste being second best one more year in a row.

Cheating

4 Jun

Dear….

I had productive weekend… My roommate was disgusting as hell! I been cleaning like there is no tomorrow, I found urine on the bathroom walls, OK, maybe he was afraid of holding on to his dick. I can’t imagine why a man would not want to hold on to his own dick. I just didn’t want to hold on to his anymore. I think back before I started my affair and wonder where did he becoming disgusting and I have to say in the beginning when I first kicked him out after two weeks of moving in with me. I did care for him deeply, he wasn’t a bad man but I couldn’t handle his manners especially when he always pretended to be something he wasn’t. I felt bad for him but I know that he won’t last long finding a new love he is good at manipulating a situation to his advantage I just hope this time he will be honest with himself as well as the other person. I don’t wish him any harm but happiness that he will find someone who can accept his disgusting habits and manipulative ways plus the no sex drive. He was good in oral actually damn good(till he stopped) that’s because his ex lesbian wife taught him… Yup, you read that right; his ex wife divorced him to be with her now current female lover, and swore all men off. I told him once I could see why your wife went with her urges and left men behind with your habits and ways. I would too. I think back and wonder when I did stop caring about him. I remember going out all night out and coming home at 4-5 in the morning. Plus, I would take off for the weekends, no longer staying at home hoping for some attention from him. I even started texting in bed with him next to me late at night. Not once did he ever complain about it or most likely he just didn’t care either. I was already conditioning him so he would get use to me staying out all night so when I decided to find a lover he wouldn’t know about it or think my behavior was out of the normal routing. I also wonder will I do this again with someone else. The phrase; ‘Once a cheater is always a cheater”, came into my mind and was wondering who came up with this line. I remember reading some where if anyone would date someone who cheated on their mate. I cheated but that does not make me a bad person. My circumstances might not justify what society thinks it should be. Ok, I kicked him out last week, but it was hard to kick someone out when they are sick, no money and no place to go to. However, his friends did come through and helped him find a room and I am still carrying his insurance benefits.

However, I don’t consider my actions to be horrible but more of survival mode. I needed to find a way to survive what was going on at home. If someone does not want to date me cause I am seeing a married man and that I cheated on my ex boyfriend/roommate (he never did find out about my affair after years of being with Alan), than I have to say you are probably not the right man for me.

Not sure if I told you, I met a man name John. He is a great man and we known each other for several months. I realized something was wrong with him marriage when I saw him hanging out with me on mother’s day and to be honest with you I could probably be his mistress if I wanted to be. However, I told him to leave his wife. That not even an affair can save it now. If he can be out till 2-3 in the morning on a Friday or Saturday night something is wrong. We actually hanged out this weekend and he knows about Alan and yet, he likes me for who I am. We flirted with each other and laughed so much even teased each other. It’s the first man I met that actually distracted me from Alan. Do I care if he is married? Actually, No, since now that I was placed on the cheaters list I understand more than I want to. I like talking to John, we are getting a little closer each time we see each other. I wonder how Alan will feel about this but the way I see it, not much he can really do if I chose to be with another married man.

I always found married men safe to date and felt I might be saving them from their marriage but did always ended it when someone was getting to emotional. Does that also make me a cheater as well but than I did tell the married man I was dating others and that they were friends. So why am I talking about this all of suddenly maybe because someone hit a nerve today. One of my closest friend found this woman on Face book, the ex husband had left her for over 10 years ago and was completely blaming her instead of her ex husband about how she ruin her life. She was happy that their relationship ended in such misery. Yet, my friend is dating this new guy and even claims she loves him. However, she kept saying women like that didn’t deserve love, didn’t deserve to be happy but pure misery. Ok, I can understand feeling this way in the beginning but it’s been 10 years, maybe there are two sides to the story. After 10 years and being in a new relationship why would you wish the other woman such misery? It did take two to tangle and honestly I probably would have found someone else if I was married to her. However, doesn’t everyone deserve happiness? No matter what, there is a past for everyone. We all have a past that we are not proud of but its what made us who we are now.