Archive | July, 2013

This late in age….

26 Jul

I have been gone so long but hopefully now I am back. I went on vacation and the first two weeks I was so depressed that it was not even funny. All I basically did was lay in bed, get up make something to eat and back to bed I went. I just didn’t have the energy to even read but I guess I needed this to reflect about my own life.

First thing I realized: leaving him is harder than I expected. In other words don’t want to just yet.
Second, I need someone who is more active than me.
Third, I need to stop being in a relationship cause I am lonely or bored.
Fourth, I need to enjoy myself like before and re discover my own needs.
Fifth, I might not be model material but damn I am not ugly.
Sixth, I don’t NEED a man but I WANT to find one that can actually make me happy instead of me conditioning myself to his needs.
Seventh, I am re doing my home for my own sanity.

However, in a more positive note my home transformation is coming along well. I am actually doing it my way with no outside influences well my friend does make sure I stay in track and not have my home that looks like a circus.

I have been really good in separating myself from Alan. I only got to see him twice this month. Which is usually the typical thing we do but I needed to realize that I can not keep going the route each time. I will be taking a year off from any relationships. I need to gather myself up and just enjoy being alone again. It’s hard but it can be done. Alan asked me why re-do your home told him it’s because it’s a new chapter in my life and I need to be able to start rebuilding myself again. I need to be able to date. I want to date is more like it. I hadn’t done it in so long that it will be nice to be able to bring a man home if I wanted to. It will become my own get away, my own vacation home. I am tired of being stuck in my bedroom where I been for the last few years.

I want to enjoy myself and not be in a relationship but meet many different men and see which one can truly keep my interest. I realized that I lose interest because the men I had relationships with become so lazy in pleasing me that I end up cheating on them. I need to find someone who is afraid to let me go and keep me interested. I know I sound like I am confused but dating and being in a relationship are to different things. However, I am thinking of just keeping the sex part with Alan. He is safe and I know that I do not have to worry about where he has been. I also know that HE senses me pulling away and he trying but reality is what it is…. And nothing anyone can do to change it. So might as well use him as he uses me. The last two visits I left without really saying good-bye… I just gather my stuff and out I go. A quick peck, No long hugs or long kisses just a “Thank you,” peck and see you till next time. It’s funny, how I am changing the tables on him. He starting to get bothered that I have male friends who help me with minor stuff around my home and they don’t expect anything from me. He says they must like me and want a relationship but honestly, they are just being really great men and they don’t expect anything in return. It’s hard to believe there are still men out there who will not take advantage of a woman but honestly be a pal. That’s another positive; I learning that men are not just for sex or relationships but I can honesty built friendships without having to sleep with them. How long will this last not sure but its fun to know that men can actually be friends. I am learning so much at such a late age. I guess never to late to learn.

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