Archive | August, 2013

Not ready just yet….

27 Aug


It’s a sad Monday (Tuesday now) I know I should be happy that the Gods are on my side when it comes to Alan. See his wife quit her job, she wants to stay home and not work anymore and I don’t see how we are going to see each other anymore. He says we will, that he will find a way to see me and not to worry but I guess I just don’t see how. I guess me pulling away is a good thing. He claims he needs me more than I need him. In a way he is right but I feel this sadness within me. I was going in my own pace not someone else’s. Deep inside of him, he knows that the end is coming, he tried to convince me that things will stay the same but I think he was trying to convince himself more, in so many words he does not want me looking for anyone but he can not give me what I want, (which I know deep inside of me I deserve more) but the bond we have is strong and unique in many different levels. He is the perfect fit for me. I have been preparing myself for this emotional heartache that is coming. However, hearing this has brought tears to me, I feel like a desperate woman asking for some attention, I feel like yelling at Cupid for playing such a mean joke on my heart. I felt so sad knowing that soon all of this must come to end. I never made him choose between his wife and me. I guess deep inside of me I was hoping it would be me but I know that he loves his beautiful life more. I will have to see and wait in how this will play off but I figure eventually what we had will start disappearing. I am not sure what is worse me just ripping this band aid off or slowly waiting for us to disappear either way I feel like crap.

I just have to take one step at a time. I guess every great love affair has an ending. I am not sure what I was hoping for expect that I am preparing myself mentally. But no matter how much you prepare yourself the pain will still be the same. I keep telling myself that I am just PMSING/MENOPAUSAL and overreacting, that everything will be fine. However, he does belong to her and he will always choose her, now more than ever since she basically retired to stay home. There are no children involved here so there was nothing really holding them together expect their finances and of course their great friendship. I truly believe they have a wonderful relationship though its no sex involved but than we know how Married men lie. Maybe her quitting was her way of ending us? Maybe she did not want to confront him but make it hard for him to see me? I know she sort of knew about me, she had confronted him twice and both times accepted his answer and acted as nothing ever happened the next day. I also know she has found my hairs and have smelled my perfume and really didn’t question him expect just to tell him why it smelled funny and was wondering where the hairs came from. I know deep inside she must have known but figured this was the solution maybe it’s a blessing in disguise. I just know that I am dreading that moment and I am crossing my fingers that I am overreacting cause I am not ready just yet to give up on our love affair. I never met a man who stole my heart as he has. I never had a man who understood me mentally and sexually. Who made me laugh and kept me on my toes. Someone who just accepted me for who I am and let me be me. Someone who just makes me feel special and that I matter.


Reality is what it is….

23 Aug


As much as I want Alan I don’t need him. This is something he should understand. I been alone once before and survived. However, I am older and not so young but I do enjoy my freedom. However, I would give it up in a second for the man who could fulfill my needs or for Alan (if he belonged to me). It’s about time I started putting my needs/wants first. I might have a blind eye to those who approach me because I am in love with Alan but I am certainly not stupid.

It’s hard letting him go but I feel I am getting stronger each day. Yet, days like this when I am going to see him. I get the butterflies and my body starts reacting in knowing that soon we will be together. That pretty soon we will be in on our own world. Its funny but I always feel like a young girl seeing her love for the first time. The sexual energy, the laughter, the connection is always so unbelievable. I enjoy being in his arms, he makes me feel special. I make him my king. We explore each other as if we were first time lovers. It’s too bad that reality is what it is. I started writing this yesterday before I went to met him but couldn’t finish it AND so glad I didn’t. Cause the events of our fantasies brought me back to reality. I realizing that being in second place is not where I belong anymore. I am now single and realizing I need more than a part-time lover now that I am able to give myself to someone completely and make them my priority. I had just finished telling Alan that my thinking has changed. One blogger made sense to me; she told me it’s not about them wanting us but more if we want them. That made sense to me and it’s been in my mind since she said it. I am realizing that my way of thinking has been always I hope they want me but I have lots to offer. I might not be the good girl but I do have some morals maybe not to every ones standards but I do enjoy my life. Besides what might be ones standards does not mean it has to be mine. However, as I was finishing telling Alan that I am planning a huge party to celebration a new beginning for me, a new chapter in my life. I told him that from now on it will be what I want not what others expect me to be. I told him if I find a new man in my life that I feel sorry for him because he better hope I want him. I told him I was always conditioning myself to the man in front of me and I love it not lying but this time this man better be careful because If I don’t want him he is out. It so happens as soon as I said those words his wife called. I hear him tell me get dress get out. Those words stung and reality is I didn’t like it. I hated it. It was a stab to the heart and the way he said it made me wonder, how the hell can you talk sweet words to me not even 5 minutes before and then sound like a bear right afterwards.

I didn’t end up leaving for it was a close call; however, I sat there watching TV with him and thinking. I wanted to leave deep inside of me wanted to just walk out and not look back but I couldn’t. He knew something was in my mind but I kept quiet. Part of me wanted to leave so badly since I was already dress but the second half the side that is stupid in love kept me there besides it’s not like I don’t know the deal. God, how it stung!!! Even right now I feel like crying, my heart is breaking but what can I do. I am in love with a lair. He was attentive to me. I cut him some fruit and he grilled me a steak. He knew something was up, he kept asking me if I was OK but not once did I tell him. I am not sure why I didn’t but I think it was because I am shutting myself down emotionally. I don’t want to express how I feel to him anymore (which will be hard). I know where I stand when it comes to him and I do not like it. I made love to him as if it was my last time. Can I honestly say that it will be the last time, NO. But I know I won’t hear from him for a few days, so I am safe for now. I plan to keep myself busy not that I don’t have a busy schedule already but I need to not make myself available. I know that his wife does not care about him or who he is fucking but I care about my heart and soul. I am not sure what the outcome will be but I do know that I better be prepared. However, seeing the way he was kind and gentle one moment but with a simple call he because someone I didn’t know. I don’t think he meant it to sound so aggressive or I might be overreacting. However, I do know that I do not think I can handle being second place or being kicked out of someone’s home. So reality is I need to start dating and finding that one person who I WANT and will make me HIS number one PRIORITY.

How Dare You…

19 Aug


The weekend came and went. I almost done with my home so now considering what web sites to sign up for to start dating not that I really need it but the men that been asking me out are really not the men I want to date. I guess they just don’t meet up to my standards. More like they don’t met up to Alan. So I figure this week will be good enough to start working on it especially since Alan got me upset.

He wants to meet my daughter and I am refusing. I straight off told him “No! That he is married”. He will never meet my daughter because of his status that it would not be fair to my daughter to introduce her to him when he has nothing to offer me. I know it must have stung but it’s the truth. How dare him, think I would bring my daughter into this mess? It’s not the first time we have discussed this. However, I told him that my daughter wants me to start dating and would like to see me married because she does not want to see me alone. This is not a green light for him. He belongs to his wife. He tells me, “What I’m I not good enough to met your daughter?” I told him No, being married to someone else when he can not offer me anything does not justify what we are doing. I told him meeting my daughter would be like me making a commitment to someone and I can not commit to him. Meeting my daughter would mean he is someone special. Though he is special he can never offer me what my daughter would like me to have. He claims I would hurt him, what about me? He would deny I even existed to his wife if the chance came up. He would lie and say that nothing is happening between us. He would deny I meant anything to him to save his marriage. He would stop seeing me just to be able to be with the woman that makes his life complete. (Wait, a minute if his life was so complete with her why even be with me). He would drop me without considering that I have feelings too. So don’t tell me about hurt or that I am not good enough. How dare you think that I should involve you in my personal life that I have with me daughter when our relationship is only behind closed doors. The one that loses here is not him but me. He could continue with his life with no changes. I, on the other hand had lost my heart. So meeting my daughter is out of the question because breaking her heart would break me. If I am not special enough to be seen in public, than you are not special enough to meet my daughter? So how dare you ask to meet my daughter when you have nothing to offer but heartache.

So Yes, I need to sign up for a dating site to start this new chapter in my life so I can find someone special to bring home to my daughter and not just anyone. For my daughter deserve more than a part time lover.

My drug…

16 Aug


I don’t understand where all this anger is coming from. Maybe I am missing him and the drama but really what do I have to gain from being a part time lover. I keep asking myself why even be in a relationship that is only behind closed doors. However, I saw him this past weekend. He washes all those feelings away for those few hours we spend together. It’s like we are in our own world where reality does not exist. When I am with him I feel special I feel that I matter but the reality is, I am being used to bring the intimacy in his life that he so much craves. Yet, I am so willing to give it to him. I am willing to give him my heart. I want to be in his arms even if it’s temporary. I just don’t understand why him. In all the years I have been strong enough to avoid the LOVE word why him? I keep asking myself how I fell for this. The funny part as soon as I leave him, feeling happy till I realize I probably wouldn’t hear from him in a few days? Sure enough he didn’t call me the next day and not even sure when he will call again. Its funny I am realizing it was me who put the effort. I was so upset with myself after I left. He was surprised I didn’t want to stay longer. I thought I could just turn off the emotional button and treat him like I would any lover I wanted to just have fun with. But in the middle of our love making, I say, I do belong to you… where did that come from especially since I have been avoiding any of those kinds of phrases that have to do with love. As soon as those words were out… he paused and made slow love to me. I regretted as soon as I said those words since I know that this could cause me emotional set back on my part. I think that is why I left so quickly and did not want to stay longer. He is noticing the changes in me. I pulling myself slowly expect I feel every step I take he takes me back two step backwards.

I know I shouldn’t be crying about a man that is and will never belong to me. I just think Cupid was mean to me. I truly never had anyone affect me like this and trying so hard to figure it out. I know its wrong but I not sure where I going with this. Part of me just wanted to do it cold turkey but I just can’t quite get there. He is my drug. He is the man that can fulfill me in ways no other man has been able too. Yet, I know that he will never change and will always be the man that will crave my attention when he is tired of his wife ignoring his needs. I don’t understand that part most women don’t even realize that they have a great man next to them and yet they ignore their needs. However, I am the bad one for meeting his needs but it’s you he wants to stay married too. It’s you that gives him the social needs but no intimacy to go with it. Yet, I am willing to meet all his needs socially and emotionally but I am the one with the bad end of the deal for I can never have him. I just got to take this one step at a time. I know letting him go will be the most painful experience I will endure but I know I will survive just not sure how yet. Cause like it or not he is my drug, he is my lover. He is the man of my dreams.

Can’t be demanding…

5 Aug


Alan is just giving me negative vibes all the way around. It’s funny how a man who is only part-time… Part time is a little too much time… more like every other week now… so I guess when you think about it, twice a month is really not considered a relationship not unless its long distance but is 50 miles away and HE IS MARRIED!! Does not justify a relationship per my up bringing, he claims it does. Ok, maybe I was living with someone when it first started but now that it’s unbalanced I am not feeling comfortable with this. It’s funny I never really demanded anything from him but lately I been asking for a once a day communication. Which is impossible for him to give? What an idiot I am!! I been bitching and complaining and yet I still am the yoyo!!!

I am so upset with him but more because he wants to control something he has no rights too. Yes, I love him but you can not tell me what to do or with whom. If you ignore me for days and then get upset that I left out-of-town does not give you the right to ask where I been and try to change the tables on me, when every night you go to bed with your wife and every morning you wake up with her next to you. You have not right to tell me whom I can hang out with or to consider your feelings when reality is you are married and I am not. You have no rights over me!! You can not get upset because I decide to hang out with my male friends or tint the relationship that is truly a friendship among them. Not all men think about sex when with a female. There are many men out there who have a kind heart and willing to help a woman out because she needs it. Not because they want to jump into her bedroom. You never put demands on me… but now all of sudden I feel it. You keep asking me why the change maybe I am just tired of this… ALL OF THIS!!

You could have had me for such a long time if only you would have acted like you truly cared. You could have had me completely if I didn’t feel ignored. You could have had me!!! It’s sad to know that I am coming to end. I get so frustrated in your behavior but yet you tell me so many damn lies and every time I fall for them. I want you to let go the power you have over me though I know I did give it up first. I also know I could never find what I had with you with anyone else. But for my sanity I need to let go. I can not go on like this. Yet, the moment I start letting go you, it’s when you pull me in. I always got upset at my friends for being so stupid in being with a guy that didn’t care yet I am just like them. Not sure when that happened but I will be damn if I don’t get myself back together!!

I am single now and its time you realized that I will find someone who I can give my 120% of me… and not the 20% you get. You can not expect me to stay with you that’s would only be a fantasy and unfair to another. I need to give myself completely to the next man… lucky for you right now I am not looking for a relationship but when it does happen. You can not claim it will break your heart when you know very well that you will replace me as easily besides you have your wife you sleep with every night.The only problem is you will not find someone like me because I am one of a KIND!!