Archive | September, 2013

Just Don’t

25 Sep

Dear…

I think this weekend in a way we both admitted not directly but the end is soon approaching us. You said to remember that you thought I was cool and that you wish you could have been better towards me. You wish you could have treated me good and given me more. You also said something a while back, something about being a burden, and that I was not a burden to you. Do we sense it? You called me late Friday night 3 times in a row which you never do. I was busy having fun with my friends that I totally forgot my phone and didn’t even hear it when you called. I never had done that before this weekend. I usually let you interrupt my time with my friends and will answer, however, this time I frankly, am getting used to you not calling that I didn’t even think twice about it besides I was having such an awesome time that I didn’t even think of you. You left me three messages each one I could tell you were becoming sadder than the first. You even said I must be doing something I didn’t want you to know about cause I usually tell you what I am doing. You are right usually I tell you my plans; however, I did lie to you. I told you I was asleep and didn’t hear the phone. Letting you go is hard but I am doing exactly that in my own way. I do not know how much longer this game will continue. I feel we are both holding on to a string and the string is getting longer and longer separating us. You told me the other night that if you could have one wish and that is to be able to have dinner and just enjoy my company even if it meant just holding each other because that is what you desired at that moment. You also told me that Saturday when you were off enjoying your family that it was no longer satisfying. HUH? Is my question, you were with your nieces, daughter and wife. How can that not be satisfying anymore when they are your life? What is it? Are we feeling each others pain and realizing life is taking another dramatic change in our lives?

You said something yesterday that at first I did not catch it but later at night it hit me. You said it so low that I was surprised I didn’t notice. I was telling you how I was joking with my daughter about getting her a special toy and this adult store we had driven by, and if she wanted I would go in their to help her pick a toy. Told her nothing wrong with masturbating, and that I wish my mom would have told me when I was young (just maybe I wouldn’t have been such a slut.) Told her that she needed to take care of herself, to understand her own growing body, her own needs, especially now a days there is so many diseases that I would like if she would wait till after she finished college to find her first partner and to make her choice wisely. Well, I told you that in two years she is moving up North and that I was mentally preparing myself. I told you what University she wanted to attend. I told you, I don’t want to end up alone and that my daughter feels bad that she is planning on leaving me alone. You asked me if I would move with her, I told you No, that my life is here Southern side. You said in a low voice, than maybe we can drive up together to visit her on weekends. Huh? What was that? You never mention anything like that before are you trying to pull out the lies and the bullshit that most Married Men would say when they realize the Lover is moving on, to give us hope we would be together. Do not give me hope, when reality is you will drop me like a hot potato for your wife, you will deny me or what we had, you will deny that I even meant anything to you, you will hurt me without even looking back but most of all you will deny I love you. You will choose your life with her and forget I even existed. What made you special was you never made promises that you couldn’t keep and we both knew were we stood, we both knew that this could not last forever and that at the end I was not your priority. So do not tell me about visiting my daughter when she is off to college when you and I might not be lovers than. For you would leave me without thinking twice about it. You have made your choice a long time ago as I faced the reality of what might happen to me. You will break my heart without thinking twice about it, so don’t make this worse for both of us. I ask of you , Don’t start your LIES AND BULLSHIT now, that is just not you.

Do you sense…

19 Sep

Dear…

I was sitting here thinking; its funny, how in the beginning of our relationship I was always careful to text or email you. As time went by I felt more comfortable but yet I would ask… Where’s your wife? Is it safe to text or email? For you would always answer my emails or text no matter what time it was. Now I know when she is around. I could tell for all of suddenly you disappear and I won’t hear from you. You now go days without communication before there wasn’t a day that went by without a simple, Hello. I could tell the difference now. Why? Do you also sense the ending for both of us? I know we are each others drug and can not stay away from each other. You asked me one day to move into your city that it would be awesome to see me after your job or whenever you needed to. I would have if you were not married and I knew there was going to be a happy ending instead I told you that it would only cause us trouble… you said trouble was good. But the main reason I will not move to your city is You. I do not want to be your Secret lover for the rest of your life or mine. I do not want to make it so easy for you to see me. I do not want to worry if I will bump into your wife at the market or see you both at a restaurant having dinner wishing it was me. I don’t want to worry about being in a relationship and you just stopping by. I want to have a normal life, a normal relationship, where I do not have to be worried about being seen in public. One where I can hold your hands if I chose too… One where I can wake up in the morning and know that the person I shared my bed with the night before will still be there in the morning. I love you like I never loved a man before. You taught me to trust and feel free to express myself. You are my every thing yet, I am not yours and I think reality is sinking in faster than I expected. I guess that is life. I just wish things would have been different and that my heart would not belong to a man that can not return it as I deserve.

It’s time…

18 Sep

DEAR…

This was started last week…

It’s been a long week… of just emotional basket case…

I don’t know what to do anymore. Alan tells me his daughter had his phone but we all know that he is bullshitting me, we know nobody goes a week without a phone. He did admit he was jealous and does not like it when I am nice to others and not him. (But others pay more attention to me than he does) Does he not know I am single and he is married? Does he not understand I will find someone in my life that I will spoil and will spend most of my time with? Does he not understand that I can not just wait for a call that might not come? Or, a visit that will take weeks? Does he not understand that what he did last week, the pain I felt of not knowing just made me realize more, that I am tired of this roller coaster ride with him, that I deserve more. In so many words, I did tell him that I didn’t like what I felt. I didn’t matter and was not important to him. He did said, I was his and he was mine and that we were great together. However, he is still living with his wife while I have my pillows to comfort me so I doubt he meant any of those words. I doubt his phone was with his daughter the whole week or even if it was a few days since he did send me two dumb texts that made no sense. He actually has been very nice the last few days but I been so busy that I don’t care. I know that he was bothered that he was not invited to my Big BBQ but he has no rights to meet my friends as I have no right to meet his. He can’t understand why this big BBQ and why this new chapter in my life. After this week I will set up my dating site, I haven’t told him and not planning on it either.

Yesterday was my birthday, for the last few years I have asked him to spend it with me. I always asked him to see me during this time but this time I didn’t even request a visit. I knew things are changing for me. However, I don’t know if he notices or that I didn’t ask and that I wasn’t requesting either. He did tell me he was hoping he could see me especially right now. I kind of skipped it figure its best not to say anything. It’s not my place anyways. You never should fuck a man that is turning into a fuck buddy during your birthday time anyways or that soon he will be disappearing from your life.

(Present)

Alan calls me on Sunday to tell me he would come to my home on Monday to spend the day and if it was possible if I call in sick. I told him sure. I figure I could easily use a mental day off anyways. He came, he was like inspector, he noticed everything and kept asking me what was new, noticed my sayings and since I have one that would hit a nerve, I was surprised he read it and didn’t say thing but I bet he is thinking about it. The saying says..”Don’t live with someone because you can but because you can’t live without them..” I know this is a powerful quote but it’s about me realizing sometimes we settle in a route with our significant other and never leave the relationship because it’s easier to stay in a comfortable relationship than take a chance with another. I DO NOT want to settle, however, it’s more to remind me not to end up like him and others I know. I don’t want to be with someone because it’s convinced but because they mean more to me than life.

Our time together was nice, it always is. I stayed away from any conversations that had to do with intimacy. He mentioned he did not want to share me with anyone and I belong to him. I didn’t question it or say much on it. I figure why ruin our time together especially since we hadn’t seen each other in about a month. However, I do feel that this visit was more of a Good Bye visit for me. I know that I am probably overreacting but honestly, I did not let him get a glimpse of my soul and love for him. In a way I kind of kept my eyes closed during our session. I am sure he noticed but I have to do what I need to protect myself. Many men have said that my eyes are the gate that opens the doors to my soul, and you can see right through me, and I was not about to let it happen anymore with him It’s funny when he said I belong to him and that he did not want to share me, I didn’t respond but my thoughts were I share you with your wife. I felt that I would be lying if I denied it, since I know I do belong to him. It was so weird having someone in my bed since it’s been so long over two years to be exact though I slept with someone in that bed prior to the two years. I never really had sex in it. So in a way he was the first man I had in my bedroom actually first lover. (It felt kind of awkward only because it’s been so long) That night I didn’t want to wash my sheets, I had a blanket over my bed so not to dirty the sheets but the pillow cases smelled of him. I ached for him and it just made me realize how lonely I am and how I miss having someone there. Most of all how I wish it was him. In a way it was good for him to be the first man but at the same time hard for I not sure if I will be able to bring another man into my bedroom any time soon. I know eventually it will happen especially since my profile is out there and as soon as I find that one man, I won’t be denying him access to my heart or bedroom. I will be giving this man a chance that I hadn’t been able to do before Alan. It’s time to trust again.

NOT KNOWING

6 Sep

DEAR…

Not knowing is the hardest thing I think a mistress/lover/boyfriend/girlfriend goes through. I haven’t heard from Alan for the past week. I only received a text asking for my home and work addresses which kind of made me weary but than my birthday is in less than a week. However, not hearing from him has made this difficult for me. I have all these thoughts going through my head. I won’t contact him; it’s not my place to do so. I just not sure how to handle this, I know I am supposed to let him go quietly but I wasn’t quite ready. I keep thinking he is sick, his wife found out about us or something is wrong but not knowing is harder than I thought. All of this hurt and anger are like an emotional roller coaster running within me. At first I thought maybe he was having a fit of jealously attack (which he has no right too) but after week it makes me feel like I am missed the memo. One moment I am so mad at him for putting me through this and the next my heart breaks and tears are like a waterfall unable to stop the flow. I trying hard to keep myself busy but my thoughts keep going to him wondering what is going on.

Not knowing is understatement. It’s like you are left in limbo not having any closure not sure if you should stop turn right or left. I guess this is the worse kind of feeling. I know I was slowly trying to let go but for it to happen this way is a worse. If I at least found out that his wife found out about us and that it’s the end for us at least I know what happen but to have no communication wondering if he had a terrible accident (which I doubt since I did receive a text), any excuse would have been good expect that he was to busy. However, feeling this pain of being in limbo I can’t understand. There is so much going through my head right now when I am suppose to be celebrating a new beginning. How am I going to celebrate when I feel this pain in my heart that is unbearable? I know that being a lover to a married man I have no rights but don’t I have the right to know when it ends or what is gong on? I didn’t realize that loving someone like him would be as painful as it is in letting go. I guess I just didn’t see this coming the “Not Knowing”.

He deserves it

3 Sep

Dear…

It’s been five days since I last heard of you. It’s been five days since you got upset with me for making dinner plans for a friend, a friend who told me to stay with you after your wife confronted you the second time. He was the one who told me that no matter what you loved me and that it’s hard to let go of that special lover, special connection like what we have. He says he wishes he could find a lover like me, to love him as I love you. Yet, five days since I last heard from you after you got upset with me because I was making him birthday dinner, my first guest in my home. He has been my friend for as long as we have been together. I helped him through his lost of his lover, because his lover chose to find someone who can love her full time. I was there when he hit rock bottom and couldn’t find the light. I was there when he had no one but me to talk to especially since no one knew about his secret lover expect me (they had been together 5 years). I was there for him when he felt his heart being ripped from inside. I was there to comfort him when his tears wouldn’t stop because he lost the love of his life, his lover. He has been there for me when I missed you or couldn’t understand your actions, when you told me you couldn’t see me anymore. He is the one who told me you would call me because letting me go was going to be hard for you. He was so right after two weeks you were calling me saying you deserved happiness and that you couldn’t be without me. Yet, now I don’t even hear from you because you got upset that I am cooking him dinner. Yet, he is the first one I text in the morning and the last one I text in the evening. I can’t with you cause not sure if your wife is around. However, you are upset with me and the only text I get is “Did you feed your friend?” How could you make me feel like shit for doing something kind for a friend to thank him for everything for being there for me when you couldn’t or when my son was in the hospital for two weeks, he was there for me. Yes, he is married and yes, we have talked about us having an affair but both agreed that we do not want to cross any lines do to the fact we value are friendship more than anything. If it wasn’t for you maybe we would have started something but he knew I was in love with you. He knew that at the time period when we met I was hurting from your actions. He is the one who gives me comfort when you are unable too. Yet, I am in love with you. Not sure how much more I can endure with your actions.

Yet, you have a wife that you comfort if need be so, you don’t comfort me when I need it. He comforts me (as I do the same when he needs it) and has even made special trips to see me when I needed a hug. Remember he is married and hides are relationship for his wifes sake. When he travels to another county he texts me everyday and makes sure I am Ok, while you wont do the same. You get jealous of a man that has given me emotional support and will be there for me when all of this ends. You have no right to be jealous. You have a wife that cooks for you, cuddles up with you at night time, who goes out to lunches with you or dinners, who is probably there for you when you need a shoulder to lean on. Who is not a secret. You have no right to be jealous of a friend who been there for me through my emotional roller coaster that you have taken me through. Yes, he does not like you after what you put me through he feels that you don’t deserve me (this part you don’t know) but he stays my friend and accepts you because I love you. He will always be there for me, and will not need to make a choice between his wife and me for he chooses both, he values our friendship. Do you value me? Do you accept that I have a life that does not always include you for I am only a part time “Secret” lover? He accepts me when I am down or when I am happy. He is the first one I text if something good happens in my life or when something has gone wrong. He is my friend and he deserves to be my first guest in my home since he has been there for me though thick and thin. He deserves my cooking. He deserves to find that special love, the kind you have and don’t see. The kind of secret love that you will let go in a blink of an eye for your true love, your wife. So if this is the end of us because I choose to make him dinner than you are selfish and I will deal with the pain of loving someone who didn’t deserve me as he deserves my friendship.