Archive | October, 2013

PONDERING!!!

24 Oct

Dear….

There is so many questions that I am pondering about right now. I wonder if I will ever find the right man for me. Will I ever find the one who can dominate me as he has? But most of all why I put myself in this predicament? I know that I deserve better my brain says it but why does my heart not go with the theory. I know that I must sound like a desperate individual but if you knew me before I never let anyone dominate me. I never let anyone get as far as he has gotten. So I discovered I like being submissive and I enjoy having him dominate me. So how do I break this? How do I find someone who can actually dominate me in the ways he has. I was telling a friend yesterday that we can never do worse but always better. If I speak it why can’t I just do it?

I talk to Alan and plainly said I am looking to find the right connection as I have with him but have not yet found it, but does not mean I have given up on it. After that he got jealous because Saturday night I got all decked out, I knew I was asking for trouble and I made sure that the trouble found me. I don’t know why I sent him a picture of myself in that slutty dress, it’s the kind of dress I knew I would be man handled ( Of course it happened) maybe to prove to him, I am not sitting home watching TV but actually enjoying myself. I got a response that said “You are getting laid tonight.” What is it to him? Didn’t he seek someone else? Didn’t I give a man my loyalty to him as a lover? Yet, I am the bad one for going out there dressed up knowing and asking for trouble. The funny part as much as I enjoyed the attention at the end I didn’t find anyone that could at least capture my interest or long enough to have a polite conversation with. I feel that I am spinning out of control, I am doing exactly what I am suppose to do, looking but not finding.

I even went to see an old lover, one that I never been able to say No too. I even declined him. What is wrong with me? Why can I not convert to my old ways? Did I grow up? Do I realize my ways were wrong? I know now what it feels to be cheated on and I am only a lover. So why wont I end it and why wont I find that distraction? Maybe I so desperate to find someone that I am forgetting what truly matters, which is to enjoy myself or I am just getting of tired of fighting something I have no control over. I just know that I not going to stop trying because I just know there is someone out there who will take me to the extreme he has taken me. I have to admit he does have the most opportune moments to call me right before seeing my old lover, he calls seconds before I entered the restaurant does this man have radar or what? Is there greater forces working against me, or are they helping him out? Not fair, I say. I just know that he was the one dominated my mind and continues to do so. So declining this man actually felt good, and I have no regrets, so much for hoping for a distraction.

For now…

17 Oct

Dear….

I am realizing being with Alan and the rollercoaster ride is becoming more difficult since this incident. I have been staying away from him since our make up sex. I don’t wait for his calls, but still take them but my mind is wondering. I am having issues, some good and some bad. I think how would, I have reacted if he would have caught me. I know that I would have been defensive and would never admit I was guilty blame the other, however, he was going to admit to me before the call intercepted. If it came to push or shove, yeah, I would have said FUCK YOU too, but this is still inexcusable. I can’t get over the issue. Part of me saying why, am I still taking his calls? Why haven’t I just left? This is my chance to make an easy escape and end this completely. I know I been letting go on my own but now that the opportunity has shown why am I not taking it? He does not deserve me. He never will. I deserved to be loved completely not part time. I know that once this ends between us, that’s it, there is No way him and I would be able to bump into each other, no need to contact each other. Once it’s over there is no turning back. I keep asking myself how do you let go of love, how can I just disappear without feeling the heaviness in my chest? However, he did cheat on me and gave me an STD scare; he did seek/comfort in another woman’s arms and not his wife’s. I know he is lying to me. He claims it really wasn’t cheating if he couldn’t finish the act, he claims that I was in his mind so strong that being there made it all wrong. Tell me one person who has been able to walk away in the middle of the act, yeah right. He claims he realized so much that he feels overwhelmed. I know he is bullshitting me but part of me wants to believe him. So now that my chance is here, why am I not taking it, why am I not letting go?

This weekend it seems Alan and I had several discussions. However, he is feeling guilty than ever. Is this remorse? Does he really not want to lose me, did he realize that I meant more to him than he wanted to admit. I know that I had a hard time admitting that when I realized I was in love with him. He actually got drunk (seldom drinks) and it made me laugh. He kept calling me, saying he loved me, saying he missed me, and wanted me. He was in the middle of a reception. He asked me how he can make me happy. He asked me how he could keep me. I couldn’t answer him. I am not going to tell him. I feel that he needs to figure things out himself besides any normal man would not need to ask, they would know. Hell, he is married; he can never fulfill my needs as a single man can. He can never be more than a part time love affair, that is reality and it sucks.

So I been fighting myself and trying hard not to go back to my old ways. I am tempted to find a new lover for play reasons to help me get over him, to help me get over my pain, a distraction of sorts. I can easily just pick up the phone and make a phone call. I have several men who have asked me out but I have turned them down, none of them give me the connection I need or desire. I am afraid to go back to my cheating ways; it’s easier to protect myself, easier without emotions involved. I sit at night telling myself that the old me was safer when it came to emotional affairs. There was no pain, no tears just enjoyment of two bodies fulfilling our sexual needs. When did this all change for me, since when did I want more out of a relationship. However, Alan changed that, he changed me a way where I want to be loved. In a way where I can trust, be honest, be myself and enjoy not only my body but my mind in a way that I never thought possible. So does this mean I have forgiven him and ready to see where my next chapter with him goes? I just don’t know. I wish I had a crystal ball to tell me and guide me to my next move. I just know for now I am still with him and this is not the time to let him go. How does a Sub let go of her Dom? Because he took me to a level I so enjoy… and probably will never find again.

Why I love you…

9 Oct

Dear…

It seems my journal has been about me letting Alan go lately especially this last week but nothing about why I am with him or why I love him. I been thinking, why this man affects me the way he does. I know he is a special man, good hearted, a good soul and “tries” not to cause anyone harm, and he is charming, funny and makes me feel special, a harder work and a respectful man. However, he has caused me hurt and pain that is unbelievable but that’s not I want to write about.

This is about why I love him. Alan has helped me heal in ways I never could. You have to understand my past to be able to understand me now. Most men in my life were only objects I never let a man get close to me, I never let a man understand me, and I always pulled away before one of us could get emotionally involved. Alan was able to break the barriers, in ways that men have not been able to succeed in, ways that nobody has been able to enter. He gain my trust (though it’s broken at this moment), my loyalty (which he still has), my heart, he made me believe in love. He made me believe that I can be accepted for who I am and not be judged. When I am with him I escape reality, I escape the problems in my life. He makes my life better in so many ways. When he calls me it makes me feel as we belong together, as I belong to someone. When he looks at me in a certain way, I can see the love and desire he has for me. When we are together we laugh, nothing is perfect so yes we have had are downs like most affairs. However, it’s been more laughter and happiness than you can hope for. When we are together we forget, enjoy and cherish our desires and each other. We connect in levels that words can not explain. He didn’t have my love right away it took time. He gain my trust slowly, I think he got it completely last year when he first told me he turn down another woman because he only wanted me. (Little did I know this same woman would be back to haunt me a year later, same one who gave me trust is the same one to break it, but I am getting side track here) That’s when he gained my loyalty, my trust and my heart. He has a way with his smile, the way his eyes crinkle when he is laughing. His eyes twinkle when he is up to no good. His jokes are believable and I am gullible enough to believe him. He would enjoy my cooking and appreciate it. He has helped me believe in my sexuality as no other has been able to, especially after my ex-husband, he has shown me a road back to becoming a better woman mentally and physically. He has open doors that have been locked and now are willing to stay open and take chances when it comes to matters of the heart.

When we are together life around us does not exist, it’s like we are in are own Oasis. After being together four years (next month) we have gotten to know each other in ways that has taken us to a deeper in the relationship that we both know we shouldn’t be. We can be honest with each other and not judge one and the other. We both know were we stand and have respect for each other. He has never made promises to me as I haven’t to him; we don’t lie to each other, there is no need to. When he holds me, I feel safe. When I am with him, he makes me feel as I am the only woman he desires. He given me so much without him knowing it as I done the same way around. I know this, even though he did what he did, he still is a special man to me, for he has given me gifts that are priceless. Even though he has shown me pain and hurt, he has taught me to still love, cherish and appreciate. Alan has shown me to love without fearing. It’s the kind of love I always hoped to fine and to cherish. To be able to find some one to come home to and forget the world around us exist. People would argue this point, but we forget what matters to us the most. We are busy with our life that we forget the special person who makes our life better. It’s not a job, family, friends; it’s the person in front of us, that makes life worth dealing with. Though I know I can never have this with him (reality is what it is), I know that he has given me love that only is found once in a persons’ life time. Sometimes we forget what really matters to us, and we let life interfere what has true value and that is the love of someone who will accept you for who you are. That’s why I Love Alan. He gave me so many gifts that he doesn’t realize it and almost lost. Many would say I am crazy for not getting out now but we all make mistakes, sometimes we learn from them and I think him and I learned from this past one. We came to realize this even if it was a painful experience for both of us. We are here for each other in this chapter in our lives. S

In Limbo

8 Oct

Dear…

My test results are in… Clean as a whistle… YEAH!!! I told Alan this and he said, I’m clean so I knew you would be OK. I actually met with him, yes, I know I am stupid for even meeting him after our talk on Tuesday. I only been with another man that could probably walk all over me and get away with it. This is the second one and not sure how to handle it. Where’s my self-esteem? We talked and we discovered so much that has been buried within ourselves. I did the unforgiveable made love to him and we actually spent the night together. It was amazing make-up sex ever. He tells me he loves me, tells me he wants me to the bitter end, however, this is impossible when he can never offer more than he can give me right now. I think deep down I want to believe he could. He is married and I am not that is the bottom line. Do I trust him, No! Did this lose trust in him, yes! He handled this wrong. I know first hand, that when he is in the wrong, he will blame someone else without him actually admitting it was him. Maybe I hurt him for ending the relationship in a text but wouldn’t he have ended the same way if his wife would have wanted him to end our relationship. However, this is not about me ending it through a text but him accusing me of maybe giving him STD when in reality it was him that did the wrong.

He tells me he loves me but thinks he could never change his ways. How am I supposed to take this when I been loyal to him. How am I supposed to handle this after our love making. This was my gift to him to be loyal to him sexually so he would have the peace of mind. I think this is what hurts the most, I never been loyal to anyone expect when I was married. So giving him this gift was my way of showing him I loved him. Not that it matters, I feel part of me is shatter, part of me can no longer trust him. I feel lost; I don’t want to have to worry about him taking to another woman. I don’t want to worry about him giving me any kind of diseases? Do I stay loyal to a man who does not deserve it? So my main question is… do I stay or run? I know most would say run like hell this is the opportunity, you deserve better and they are probably right. I do deserve better. I deserve my self-esteem back. I shouldn’t let anyone walk all over me. It’s funny how he thinks everything is OK with him and I, when in reality it isn’t? I am just in limbo trying to figure out my next move. I just think life is cruel for letting my guard down and loving a man who I know now does not deserve my love…..

My first….

3 Oct

Dear…

Two days later and I am still wondering, still thinking about that night were we talked. The night that will tell me the truth about the situation between us and what your realizations were. You seemed regretful. You sincerely looked like you were telling me the truth. However, I noticed you couldn’t look me in the eyes. I am not sure about that and why or were you just lying to me too. It could be you couldn’t look at me because you were ashamed of your actions and knew there was pain in my eyes. You had tears in your eyes and you kept apologizing and saying how you regretted it that you realized I was important to you and that you took advantage of my kindness. I already knew all the excuses you were going to give me before you said them first remember I cheated and now all the excuses in the world to try to find a way out expect I never had to use them. The funny part is as I saw you sitting across from me I realized I do not want to be sitting across from anyone apologizing for hurting them. The only time I ever been faithful was during my marriage otherwise, yes I have cheated. You told me you loved me and that you did not want to lose me. However, it was after I heard you apologize and tell me what a jerk you were that I told you not once did, you mention you care or loved me. I don’t think that counts that you took that opportunity to tell me.

You were the first man in a relationship that I wanted to stay faithful too (by my choice). You were the first man I let my guard down. You are the first man that showed me how far I can go with my sexual desires. You were the first man after many, many years I fell in love with. You are the first one I think of when I wake up and the last one when I fall asleep. You are the first that I have bent my rules and made it easy for. You were the first man that I was honest about my past. You are the first man I trusted completely with heart. You are the first man that has me in such turmoil. You are the first man that cheated on me and could have given me STD. (BTW… claims his results are clean.)

I am not sure what am I going to do about us. I had you believing everything will be OK. I am pretending everything is OK. See even if I kissed you before I left that kiss can go two ways. It could be a make up kiss or Good Bye one. Part of me wants to run to the hills and just completely forget you. The second half of me wants to stay. I can not be completely mad at you for cheating on me but I am mad about the STD, mad in how you reacted, mad that we made a deal and you just couldn’t hold up your half. Isn’t that funny, I am more upset in how you handled the situation and how you cursed me out than being with someone else. I know what kind of man you are as I know what kind of woman I am. We can not change our ways but we can change who we are. I chose to change thanks to you. I also know there was a lesson here for me. I guess I never realized how painful it could be to be on the receivers’ line. Now I know first hand Thanks to you, another first. I am so confused right now that I haven’t been able to sleep. Part of me says this is my chance to really end things to give myself to another without having you in the back ground. This is my chance to just disappear and accept that my old ways were wrong. However, the love I have you is strong and it hurts just knowing you wouldn’t be part of it. You don’t deserve me and you never will. I keep thinking when will you do this to me again. How much will I be able to handle before I just say I had enough. How long will it be before you do this to me again? I wish I had a looking glass to see what my future tells me about you.

FUCK ME!!!

1 Oct

Dear…
Started lasted Friday now to present…

This weekend coming up I will have the chance to sleep with another man besides Alan. I been semi attracted to him for a long time. However, this man is married but his wife, yes; I said wife wants me to sleep with him again (slept with him few years back when the wife set it all up). I have been debating about it all week. I have been debating about it since my birthday. I haven’t mentioned it before because I felt bad however; I felt Alan should know that I will be sleeping with another man. See I think I can’t avoid it any longer. I like how this man is, how he talks and how he can seduce me. I know that his wife is open to this and even encourages it. She has even told me through out the several years that her husband has told her I am his fantasy. I am what he wants plus she gives him as well as me the hall pass to when ever I want her husband (must add he is amazing in the bedroom). I know this is bizarre, but they do have an open relationship and have been married for over 10 years. Who the hell offers her husband up to another woman? I was feeling bad though as if I am the one cheating here with Alan. So I took it upon myself to tell him, I felt that Alan needed to know that I might be sleeping with another man. I am not sure why I felt that I should consider his feelings but I did. This is new to me. I realized that I love this man more than I want to even admit to myself. Before sleeping with another man no big deal, a year ago no big deal now, I am having my own crisis. However, I explained to Alan that he is married and that the wife wants me to make his fantasy come true especially since it’s his birthday. So why not, it’s not often where you can have a wife set the whole thing up.

Well, this did not go well with Alan; we had a discussion that was overwhelming (and way over due) that I was unable to sleep. In a way we both know the end is coming. He knows I want someone that belongs to me. It was hard to discuss this but what choice do we have. I couldn’t sleep thinking is that it are we done. Is our love come to end? I don’t think so but at least he knows that I am not sitting at home waiting for him. It’s hard not knowing if he will ever call again. He sounded so sad. He claims he is in conflict within himself and wishes I could just climb in him so I can help him figure it out and feel the emotions he is feeling. I can’t help him when I am in my own pain. However, I made it clear that I need someone in my life that though I am taking my time I know that I do not want to end up alone. I miss having that body next to me. I miss having someone to spending quality time with. I never been much for staying alone however, I am taking my time this time around. What will happen I don’t know? I do know this man means more to me than I can express. He some how stole my heart and has not given it back. I am in love with a man I respect and admire. Some one who will not hurt me intentionally I am not even sure he can ever disappoint me. It will be hard but I know sleeping with this man on Saturday is my first step I trying to let go of Alan. It’s only fair since he does have his wife in the bedroom and I have no one.

Present…

I had an awesome weekend… however; I didn’t sleep with the other man. I just couldn’t I had to give Alan my respect. he asked me straight forward not to sleep with this man. To please wait for him and that he needed to talk to me face to face.

However, yesterday was a bomb shell. My whole affair just exploded in my face. I find out that Alan slept with someone else and I might have STD. He claims that is why he needed to talk to me before I slept with the other man. Here I thought he cared, what a laugh. He is claiming he made a mistake, he realized some things. He said that he was waiting on the doctor’s results to tell me. HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT TELL ME!!! I have not stopped crying. I ended with him. I told him we were over. Than that just made matters worse, of course, he tried to blame me twist the tables around. He claims I did not give him a chance to explain what happened, than tells me he thought I was the one to give him STD. That he only got a blow job and he didn’t think he could get that way. He said things to me that were cruel and mean. He said I was unforgiveable for breaking up with him on a text. You got to be fucken kidding me. How the fuck am I supposed to react. He thought I could handle the situation better and that he deserved better. What you think giving me STD you deserve a better treatment. You claimed you thought it was me, bullshit!!! I went to the doctors looks like I am clean however, won’t get the results till a week. We made a deal, if he wanted to sleep with someone else he would text me or tell me ahead of time. He had no consideration for my feelings. He made me feel that I didn’t matter and now you have a change of heart. You now figured out I am worth it. Bullshit!!!! He told me “Fuck YOU!!” And yet, I am the one who did wrong.

I don’t give a shit if it was only a blow job, I don’t care if you fucked her what I care is you didn’t consider my feelings in this. I knew he did not belong to me. I know this I write about it all the time. But to know that you might have STD and you want to wait till you got the results first before talking to me. BTW, he claims the doctor called to tell him he was OK. I can’t stop crying. He wants to meet tonight and I am planning on it. Part of me wants to stay with this ASSHOLE but the other half of me says run like hell. How could you do this to me? How could you not tell me the moment you suspected? Where is my respect in this? I did what you asked, I told you ahead of time. Yet, I am the bad one for breaking up in a text. I am the one who left work early to go to the doctor’s office to check myself. You asked me why I do annual STD exams. I do it because it has become part of my routine and I don’t trust men. I don’t understand why you are trying to blame me for your Fucken mistakes. How the hell do you expect me to react? My heart is shattered, I guess at the end it was a one sided love affair. Fuck me for believing in US. Fuck me for loving you!! Not sure what tonight will bring but I am trying so hard not to let the tears come in but its hard when all I have to think about is I have an week for results to come in before I can live a comfortable life. You get to go on with yours but I still am in a stand still. I gave you respect, Alan but in return all I got is fucked in the ass!! I fucken slap on the face that not even with me could you be loyal or honest. It wasn’t like I would have stopped you, like you did me. However, thank for not making this situation between the other man awkward for it would have also involved his wife and that would have been bad all the way around because you couldn’t tell me ahead time.

I am not sure what tonight will bring. However I am going to listen to your lame excuses and tell you face to face what I think after you talk. I always been good listener now will you be just as good at it as me.