Archive | November, 2013


20 Nov


I am missing him, Alan. Yesterday when we spoke I could feel the tension within him. He is overwhelmed by work and he has no way of having an outlet. I never heard him sound so upset and pissed off. We kept the conversation short. Here I am missing his touches the arousal only he knows. It made me feel terrible that I am imagining him caressing me, letting himself go completely with me. I not even sure how to help him out with just a call, if I lived closer, I would have invited him over and giving him a massage to relax that tension he is feeling and given him one of my special blow jobs that he enjoys. But living closer to him is against the rules. So all I can wish for is that his wife can at least give him the relaxation he deserves right now.

He claims him and the wife are not getting along very well right now. He has spoken more about their relationship recently then the last 4 years. I feel terrible for him I don’t think I can live walking on eggs all the time. If I was his completely he would have learn that I can help him relax and just enjoy him as he deserves. I am missing him so much but I been here for the last several years to know that this is the time of season where he is overworked. It makes it hard to be in this distance relationship but I love him for who he is. I just wish there was something I could do but knowing I cant. I know he is missing me and that I am his only outlet but he has no time for it. I want to just hold him and show him my love completely.

When we are together, we forget the world around us. It’s like having our own oasis, its amazing, and our own world full of desire, wants and fantasies. I never had a man wake me up like he has, to trust myself completely with him I am capable of being his personal slut without being judged. His looks of desire that he gives me is what starts it all, knowing soon I will be his, as I never been to anyone else. When his lips touch mine, and they start off so slow so sweet, so tender as if teasing me but soon they deepen as trying to find my soul as if he breathes air into me. His touches arouse me as no other, waking me up as if I been dormant. When he dominates me and makes me submissive it’s like I forget everything around me but to please him. When he bites me with such anxiety as if I am a lost lover, and wants to leave his marks, so I wont forget him so easily. When I see them the next day, it brings back such wonderful memories of what I have with him. When he knows I will soon have his cock in my mouth I can hear and feel his anticpation of what will be his fantasy. All I can think of how good he tastes and I want it as if it was my lifeline, how I know each vein, every inch of is cock is on fire because he knows I will worship it as no other. He knows that my tongue will slowly devour him, feeling him in the back of my throat, where its wet and willing to have him shoot his sweet juices. But knowing that soon he will be deep inside of me making me his, I will tease his manhood with my tongue and have him fuck my mouth till he wants to be deep inside of me as he knows I will be so wet of desire for him, he knows soon he will have me squirting to the point I lose count, I will enjoy his cock to the fullest so he wont forget he is mine as well, so he knows that no other woman will please him as I will. When he is choking me as he dominates me, he makes sure I don’t move so he can enter me deeper as this is his life line knowing very well that I belong to him. When he first enters me as we both become one it’s a feeling only him and I know. Yet, he can kiss me so tender in spots only he knows that will have me so wet and willing to please him. When he caresses me, touching me so lightly that my desire for him builds, I fall deeper into his spell. I miss this right now. I can close my eyes and see him enter me; see him spanking me demanding that I give myself, all to him, completely. When he first enters me, I can see the love and desire he has for me, knowing that I do belong to him. Even then when he starts slamming, thrusting himself into me for dear life for he does not know when we will be together again, letting out all his frustrates and wants and needs as he knows that this could be our last encounter.

Yet, I can not help him right now with his frustrations, but sit back, day dream and wait till he calls in hope that he will find time for our oasis.


Fantasy or not..

14 Nov


I been thinking a lot about Alan and what he wanted me to do for Christmas or more like what he wanted for Christmas. He wants me to find a man for sexual pleasures, he wants me to explore my fantasy and let myself go. He wants to give me my fantasy about a threesome. However, I am hesitating, do to the fact that I know at the end of my fantasy I will not be able to have him, Alan. He would need to go home to his wife and I will be all alone and I would like for him to be there for me afterwards, to relive it, to reconnect. I don’t think it’s too much to ask for. I want to give us this fantasy but what happens if at the end I need reassurance. I want to be able to reconnect with him. I feel that doing this should be special for I will be giving myself in a different level that nobody has been able to take me. We talk about it but never really acted on it do to the fact that he is very busy and does not have time. He said he would like to meet the man first without me and he will decide for us. I like that idea, he made me feel like he wanted to keep me safe. However, I think it’s the aftermath I worry about. I worry that if we don’t reconnect in our way, one of us might get hurt and I don’t want this. I also think this is something I should do with a man who belongs to me not someone else. Though our connection is amazing, unique and special does not mean one of us can not lose site of that if we do not reconnect in the intimacy quickly. Even though men might not needed as much as women, I still believe that it’s the reconnection of it all that will make it special and not just a sexual act. When we went to the swingers club it brought us closer than we both realized. It was a unique feeling that has made us stronger/closer than we both want to admit. Even his short affair has made us stronger in a bizarre way it brought a feeling so deep we both don’t understand.

I been reading other bloggers stories about sharing their fantasies involving others into their private moments and makes me wonder if he loves me as these men love their women. I know he has said it and he has shown me but honestly, I think I say it more than he does. Part of me wants to give Alan what he so much wants as well as I do but I believe that this is something I should be doing with someone who truly belongs to me, someone who will love me unconditionally and that I am not the sidelines but the main priority of his love. I know he loves his wife. I hear it in his voice when he talks to her. Whatever their personal life is, it must be good enough for him to stay. No matter what he says, the tone he uses on her express more than he is willing to admit. It was not long ago when I told him about my blog, which it was more of a journal. When I brought it up last night and told him I understand the concept of having others in our bedroom. He said he did not want to share my outside the bedroom but in the bedroom he wanted me to explore and let myself go sexuality but he didnt once say that it was because he loved me or trusted me. I explained, I was reading some blogs that touched me to the core. Which is making me understand him more but does he love me like these men love their women. He asked me straight off why I wouldn’t allow him to see it (my blog), why I won’t let him read it. It was a question that stuck in my mind. I think the main reason is because I don’t want him to see the pain it causes being a mistress. It’s hard to be on the sideline and in love with a man that could never be more than he is now. I don’t want him to know that the depth of my love for him it would be foolish to admit this to a married man who does not deserve half of the love I have for him. Even though there is no way of denying it when we are together, you could just feel it or look at us and see the love we have for one and the other. He does deserve it all but its not fair to have this on his shoulders, for his present condition is to be with a woman he considers his best friend, the one that brings out that special tone out of him. He knows that I would never ask him to leave his wife but he also knows that I am not stopping myself from looking for the right man for me. He knows that everything we do can be done again with someone else. I think this makes him jealous but honestly how does he think I feel when I know he is enjoying his time with his family especially right now with the holidays being here.
I just know that he is the man I so want to live the rest of my life with but will never be able to. How can I have him read this when I keep repeating it to myself to keep my feet on the ground and not fall into a trap that will be hard to dig out from? I don’t think he will take it so well that I keeping myself sane for being in love with a married man is definitely insane. I want just want a place to where I can keep it real. Where no matter what my fantasy is that when it comes to him I will not start day dreaming of a life together when it will never be possible too. This will hurt anyone even him.

Must Be Tagged as….

12 Nov


I started this last week…

I never made it to my swingers club, I swear he must have radar, he asked to see me and there I go running to him. Nothing will satisfy me as he will. I don’t understand the power he has over me. He is my fantasy, Alan, is the kind of lover I could only hope for, and so want to find in someone else. We talked about Dom/Sub, to having threesomes, to going to the Swingers club, if he was only single and not married, he would be so perfect for me in so many different levels. I enjoy cooking for him, I enjoy playing house but we all know that it is only fantasies, right? Because that is what they tell us, that affairs are basically fantasies we conquer in our minds. However, it’s funny because even he said he didn’t want me to see his bad side, the side that snaps when irritated, and the side where he just feels like resting instead of taking out the trash, or he is so tired that he rather not talk. The sad part is I already know this and I love him.

I hate him, Alan for what he is doing to me. He is the man I been looking for but will never have. Our conversation got really intense, we didn’t just talk about our fantasies but we talked about his “supposedly” one night stand short affair, we talked about our relationship, we talked about how hard it is to stay in a relationship with him, we also talked about how we feel about each other, we talked about how hard it would be to lose each other, we talked about his marriage, we talked about how lonely it is to be a mistress. We also didn’t make promises we couldnt keep. I made it clear that I can not wait on the sidelines for ever and that evenutally I will find that special man. I realized than I forgave him for doing what he did. Is he telling me the truth probably not, I am not stupid either. I know he could be lying to me. Part of me thinks its cause of what we hear about cheaters that makes us doubt them, isn’t society who makes us believe that all cheaters are bad and evil, that mistress are only after the man and can be psycho bitches. Yet, there is me, the only crazy thing about me is that I am in love with a married man and cant do anything to stop it. Can there be an honest one out there who truly means what they say? I know if I said I truly believe him I would hear how stupid I am but what about if there is truth in what he is saying. Do we really know the truth about anything don’t we just make assumptions. Is it because of what we hear or because society made us believe and doubt our own thinking, we get influenced by society. Society shapes or tries to shape our thinking or prospective of what we think is right and wrong. Who says its wrong to not enjoy your sexual nature even if might not be what others like or do.

However, this week I am missing him and this is where it starts getting difficult for me. I really do need to find a distraction I do have someone in mind but do I really want to Fuck someone who does not interest me but in the bedroom. He wouldn’t be the type I want to date and actually I would want to tape up is his mouth so I can just enjoy his body. He would be someone I just fuck but than I have the feeling it will be all about him. I really not finding anything in the dating sites. I have one man that he thinks I should visit him for coffee but I must drive to him. I believe that is my choice not his. All of them want to have sex, I must have a sign that sign that says I will fuck you but no emotions will be involved. Am I tagged with this on my forhead. I trying to be good but its becoming more difficult and I need to figure it out. I am tired of masturbating, it’s good for a few days but when days go into weeks that’s when I start missing that warm body of his, I miss him. I am trying hard to wait for the right distraction who wants to get to know me but all I finding our men who want to fuck and not even bother with the wining, dining part. Sometimes I wonder if I meant to be more than just a good lay in the bedroom. I guess I am having a self pity party here. I am tired of the dating site, I tried several of them but no success as of yet. I been emailing men but they are just not working out for me. Or maybe I really am not interested in meeting anyone right now. Yet, it’s getting difficult for me because I am at the point that fucking might just satisfy my needs for now since the holidays are here and it beats another lonely season. I been alone for the last several years even though I had my roommate there, I was still alone. I know I have lots to offer a man but I hate that nobody can see past my sexual vibe. I even lied and told them I am preserving myself for the right man and they don’t believe me. I tried saying not great in the bedroom but they claim that they see differently. So how am I supposed to behave? You are damn if you do, damn if you don’t. I feel like I am in a rut and no escape in site. I just need to get off this self pity party and start realizing that I am just kissing alot of toads till Mr. Prince charming gets here,Or maybe find the right kind of lover that can at least help me miss him less.


1 Nov


So I figure, I have not gotten laid since October 4, the make up sex and yet, I am being loyal to whom I ask myself? Heaven knows if he is being loyal to me. So I decided to go to this swingers club since I do have the card that lets us (Alan and Me) enter for we did join membership together. It’s hilarious I didn’t mean to come about it , however, I was cleaning out the drawer when it just appeared, haven’t really thought about going there but what the hell, maybe I will find a interesting man to enjoy the evening with. Never been with a woman but I do enjoy public sex and I love to be watched. I am looking for someone who can do this with me but maybe going about it wrong in these dating site maybe I need to go where I know I could find someone with the same openness as mine.

I know this would upset Alan but he is married and not my fault I have the freedom to do what I want now. I always have but now I realize after the incident have the right to do what I want maybe it’s my way of getting back to him. All I know that they let women go in by themselves and why not. I need a distraction for now.

I started this on Monday and now its Friday and I had Alan over my home this week. I was in shock; he asked me if he could spend the night in my home. I laughed because I swear men must have radar, he must have known about my plans. He even said my home was his home. Who said it was his, I don’t remember him paying the rent or being in a real relationship. I think what left me stun was him saying I was his forever. How can he say that to me when he has nothing to offer me? When he is not going to get old with me but the woman he shares his bed with every night. He is right when he tells me I will never find the right connection like I have with him. He is so right there and I hate him for it. I am hoping that I find that special someone that will take me beyond where he has taken me. It makes me sad, that reality usually hits me right after he leaves. I have not spoken to him in two days. I guess the forever mine should also mean that I am tossed like a rag doll once it’s been played with I guess that is where he finds the forever mine. I don’t even know anymore why I am still in this relationship per say. I know I deserve better than being treated as a rag doll but right now I want those stolen moments. I feel like a yo-yo one moment all happy and the next used and abused both mentally and emotionally. Part of me just wants to hide for days, I keep asking myself when am I just going to end this roll coaster ride, I must enjoy it for I had my opportunity, and I didnt take it. I don’t think people understand the emotional strain that this could be on a mistress.

An honest good mistress knows the husband will always choose the wife and that she will always be on the side lines and that it could end in a blink of an eye and that you can never expect more than he can offer. So why do it? We all have our reasons mine was because I was looking for that intimacy I didn’t have at home. I had a man who was sick and watched sports 24 hours a day and I was craving the intimacy I so know I deserved but wasn’t getting. Did I plan to fall in love, No, but it happened and now I am in a position that I am not able to control. I always been in control with mostly almost everything in my life. Sometimes people think being a mistress is great and others find it disgusting there is no balance but they don’t realize the loneliness that comes with it especially around the holidays. The calls that might not come, expect for when they want to see you or the dreadful one that says it will end. I am sad today, tears are ready to roll down but as soon as that call comes in I am running towards him. I keep telling myself how can this be love when love is not supposed to be part time, it’s not supposed to be painful, and it’s not supposed to be a secret but mostly it’s not supposed to hurt innocent people. How can I be in love with a man that is a fantasy and only allowed to be seen behind closed doors? But I am and willing to put up with the bullshit that it comes down with it and willing to risk the pain it might cause to others and myself because I am in love with a man who does not deserve it and could only be behind closed doors. But to be honest, I never trusted a man like I do him even after the incident he is the one i trust completely. Will he cheat on me most likely, will I accept it probably, will I get tired of it most likely.