Archive | February, 2014

I got a question…

28 Feb


I got a call from Alan I shouldn’t have answered. He asked to see me on Monday and I agreed but now that I am settling down I realized this could be a big mistake on my part. I should have asked if he is thinking of saving his marriage and I should stay away but part of me wants to see him one last time. Be in his arms one last time to say good bye but I know this is a mistake. This will pull me back to the position I am trying to run away from, I need to have that conversation but over the phone does not seem appropriate. He told me the wife and him are arguing and that he made some points he is standing behind and she does not like it. She is still claiming she is moving out but than I could be wrong. This has never happened before she usually just forgets about it. What does this mean I don’t want to even think about it? I think I need to stay away and seeing him Monday might be a big mistake. I know it will be a big mistake. I still trying to deal with emotions of this week seeing him will definitely send me to a place I don’t want to go back. I should have asked him that famous question… Does he plan on saving his marriage?


Two choices….

26 Feb


I couldn’t sleep last night. I kept thinking of what’s ahead of me. I kept replaying my conversation with Alan. Why admit it was me he is having an affair with when his wife thought it was someone else. Why admit we were going to meet Wednesday when that was not said in a text? All of these, why’s? I think the hardest part was when he said I was a dear friend and that to be patient with him but give him space. He also asked me he didn’t know if saving the marriage was even worth it but he was confused. Why be confused, when you know at the end you will choose your wife.

I know that I made up my mind. I know that I will step away once Alan and her make up even if it’s only for financial reasons or comfort, I don’t know why this is bothering me. I am trying to see this as two doors that have opened for me. I have two choices. One to stay and another to leave, I know I will have to take the one that leaves for staying is no longer the option especially with everything that has happened. I know the wife will stay and I also know that he wouldn’t want to lose what he has worked hard to create. Besides divorces are messing and can ruin you financially, emotionally and mentally, I know I been there but yet, some how I made it. However, you just don’t give up your best friend just like that for another. There is a bond between them maybe not sexually but a good friendship that works for them. A friendship is harder to replace and it’s easier to replace a lover, however he will not be able to replace me and the connection we have. Besides you never know if the grass is greener with me so why take that chance, the way I see it let someone else take that chance with me. Someone who is willing to see me for who I truly am and wiling to take that chance, I know I am worth it. So if the wife decides to ignore it once more then I must choose the right door this time. I need them to work it out and without me in it, I can no longer be a dear friend. I tried many times but this time it’s different, what changed I don’t know? Why not just stay when I done it before? I can not answer that right now but I know that I can not be part of this anymore, it’s killing me emotionally.

He called to check up on me today. He sounded terrible and sounds like he got sick. I think, he thinks I will stay even if the wife decides to pretend nothing really happened. She has done this before and than pretends nothing happened. I don’t understand this between them both, why bring up cheating and than turn around and act like nothing. Why look for evidence and then not do anything about it. I don’t understand why ignore the problem that is in front of them. I just know being part of it is no longer a choice. I just wish I knew how I am going to do this. I was surprised that he called, I wasn’t expecting this. I wasn’t ready for it either. I didn’t answer I do not want him to hear my despair in my voice the great sadness or the tears that want to flow because I been hiding them deep inside. He claims that he does not want me to jump into conclusions, that to stay strong that everything will be ok but even the strongest has its weak moments. Honestly, I just want to cry and I haven’t allowed myself yet to do that.

This is the second time I been given a chance to get out of the relationship and I just can not handle it anymore. I been strong and continue to explore, trying to stay in a positive pathway but I believe as long as he has control as long as he owns me as he does I will never be able to find myself a true man that can own me as he does. I just tired of comparing them and I am tired of not being able to completely give myself to him or anyone else.

Expiration Date

25 Feb


Alan’s wife found my text today. She claims she is moving out. I feel like crap. I am supposed to be supportive but right now all I want to do is cry. I didn’t want them to get divorced or for her to find out about me. Maybe she does not mean it, maybe she is just scaring him but it’s over between us. I can not go back to being his mistress. I feel this pain that has over come me, tears are just lingering but unable to cry. Not because I don’t want to more because I am at work trying to deal with this. What was I thinking?

I feel terrible for him in so many words he told me to be patient and that he will get back to me but he needs to sort out what he is feeling. I know he will choose her but honestly, this is the third time and I can not go back. As much as I love him, as much as I given myself to him, as much as I was willing to be his in every form possible, I can not go back.

Like every great affair it has an expiration date and mine just happened to come sooner than expected.

Unknown feeling

25 Feb


I started this a week ago…

I am trying so hard to stay in the path I am. I am trying not to let myself go completely again. I am fighting it with all my power. I refused to talk to Alan on Valentine’s Day, he called 5 times and I didn’t answer figured this day was not for him. Yet, I get a text that says I love you, he never texts me he loves me. I’m trying hard to make him someone I just enjoy but when I hear his voice or he talks to me that he misses me. I just melt and than nobody else seems interesting to me. I won’t give up but I really need to stay in this path. Maybe I am just falling backwards cause of what happened.

Something weird happen to me, a new feeling not sure, trying to figure it out trying to make sense of it. Alan told me his ex lover called him. He really liked her, I remember him telling me when we first met that he really hated that she moved away and that he probably loved her but that he wouldn’t give up his life to be with her. So she moved away, made a life for herself and that she either got married or moved in with her boyfriend, not sure there. However, I felt really good about him telling me but than I feel this dread or is it jealously? I know I have no rights over him so why does it bother me. I shouldn’t be over analyzing this but I am. There is a question that I wish I could ask him but know better besides it’s really not my place to ask. So here’s my million dollar question: Why did she call him so late wasn’t she worried about his wife being there or did she know he was working late? I really wish I could ask. I guess some questions are best not questioned/answered but this feeling I have is something I am not used to. It’s not like I meet men but why does it bother me so much that his ex lover called. I am supposed to not care so why is it bugging me. Why can’t I let go of this feeling? Pretty much I never really cared about anyone else to let something like this bother me, maybe cause I was always doing own thing. Am I really jealous of someone I don’t know, I truly hope not. I know I am not jealous of his wife actually I am always asking how they are doing for this keeps me in my path of finding someone and it keep it real for me. But to know someone who he had a deep relationship with calls him, well, what can I say expect that it’s bugging me. I know I will let it go but for now it’s on my mind.

So here I am, I declined him last week in seeing me, and I want him to get use to me not being around so much. I will be spending the day with him this week but I not sure this is wise especially since right now I fighting my own feelings. I know that I miss him and that his daily calls are not helping me with my urge to be in his arms. I know reality is what it is but I feel like some how I got pushed back.

I keep telling myself ‘Don’t let good sex confuse your heart and make you think you’re in Love.” Yet, I have the feeling that I am losing a battle within myself. I pretty much have had control of my emotions but for some reason I making something out of nothing. Maybe I just missing him it’s been over 2 weeks but that was my choice. So why am I falling backwards when I should be going forward. I haven’t stopped in meeting men. I still continue not that I have had a great pick from. I don’t stay at home I am out there and keeping myself busy. Is it cause I am jealous of an ex lover? Some how I let the tables turn on me and I am not happy. I haven’t written cause of these emotions, it’s like this person threw a wrench at me. I know he won’t do anything (or I hope he wont) but when he texted me he wasn’t cheating on me for no apparent reason and suddenly he is honest of a call makes me wonder. I know he is capable of doing it to me again, he claims he won’t. Why these insecurities? I guess we all have our set backs, but why am I feeling like someone is invading me territory. I have no reason to make this bigger than it is, I usually wouldn’t care so why now? I need to move forward again but it’s going to be harder than last time I just know I have to do it. So when I see him this week I must remember don’t confuse good sex with love. I wonder if I should write that in my bathroom mirror as a reminder.

Happy Valentine’s Day to me!!!

14 Feb

Today, I am realizing I dont need a Happy Valetine’s day text from Alan or any suprises. Don’t get me wrong it would have been nice but I am realizing that I have better expections from someone who can but till then, Happy Valentine’s Day to Me!! Here’s my reasons I came up with to make this a positive holiday:

1) I love my daughter first, she is my life.
2) I love myself before anyone else.
3) I am single and dont have to lie anymore.
4) I am free to explore what is out there.
5) What one loses is someone else’s gain.
6) I don’t have to sneak around anymore.
7) I can basically do what I want when I want.
8) I love my new founded freedom.
9) I love who I become though Alan might have help me here a little.
10) Alan is someone I fuck and can enjoy for now but he is not the one for me for he is married and he has the one that belongs to him already.

I come a long way. I am just happy that I no longer need to lie to anyone especially to myself but that I can honestly be true to myself. Though I love Alan as I have never loved anyone else, even though he will always own a part of me but my mind is in a different mind set. So tonight will be an adventure for I will go out there and explore. You never know what could be out there!!!

I admire you..

12 Feb


I have been reading a lot of blogs mostly of the OW leaving their lovers. One of the things that I have to admit is that I am so glad Alan never made promises to me for this I will admire him.

Alan (You) never told me he (you) would leave his (your) wife. He (you) made it clear that this was his (your) best friend even though there is no intimacy. He (you) never told me that we would grow old. You never made promises you couldn’t keep. Though you have tried to get me to make promises you know I can not keep, got to give you credit for trying to sneak them in. We always tried to keep it real even though you hate it. You have encouraged me to find someone even though you hate it. We know our time is borrowed. We also know that eventually I will find someone and our affair will end. Even though you are hoping that I can still keep you on the side lines. When we are together you could feel the love between us, we have both admitted we have let our guards down with each other, yet we know that this is borrowed time. I think its more admiration of keeping it real; we know the pain of us ending will hurt, but never admitting how much. We never lied about what we are doing, expect for that expectation. You know I go out every weekend but will never admit if it bothers you for you know our circumstances and you can not stop me. We let each other see the real us but not judging each other, but admire each other for who we are. We have accepted each others faults as well as our ways. You tried to tell me that I will never find someone like you and there you are right but then I also feel the same way. We both have accepted we have a special connection knowing that it can not be replaced easily. We have talked about how it has evolved through the years and how much things have changed for both of us. Yet, we never made promises or talked about the future, however, we talk about things that we shouldn’t. For all of this I admire (you) him.

However, Alan mentioned Valentines Day and it hit a nerve with me. I have accepted that being the OW we don’t get to spend the holidays together. I went ahead and made plans with my single friends without thinking. He said something to me and I think he let it slip without meaning to. Alan said, “I hate being the man I am now for I want to be more.” Why would you say this to me? He wants to spend this day with me but knows he can’t, I had told him I didn’t expect us to be together but then you said I hate the void I have within me and the void you have for not having someone there and that I deserve someone. He said he wanted to fill in the void but knew it was impossible. He never really said this to me before but I guess I wasn’t thinking about a void or having someone for Valentine’s Day. I didn’t think about this till you mention it. I was just happy that my friends and I were going to a singles Valentine’s event and that we were going to have fun. It hit a nerve with me for I didn’t like that part of being the man you are now. What happened for him to say that? What happened that is making it hard for him and making him feel this void? I admire his honestly, yet, I feel bad. I feel terrible that he thinks of himself this way for I don’t see him but the man above. The man who hasn’t made promises he can’t keep. That’s the man I admire for he always been honest with his intentions. Though I am in love with him I didn’t want to think about him on Valentines Day, I don’t want him to know that I would give up my plans to be with him. I don’t want to admit that he could fill in the void if it wasnt for the circumstances.
I dont want to admit that it will be painful when this affair ends. I just have to admire him for being honest.

I love morning sex…

11 Feb

something I am missing right now….

Its been a long time since I had morning sex but I remember what it feels like…

When I first wake up and I feel a nice warm body next to me.. It’s like my instincts of my sexual needs are awaken. It’s like the side of me that realizes this man next to me is at my availability of being able to arouse him.

I slowly will mold my body into his, slowly kissing him lightly on his neck as I feel him getting aroused with my soft kisses. I let my lips caress him as I let my instincts guide me to what he might enjoy. I will kiss his chest slowly just letting him know where I will be leading to by than he knows what I am hungry for. MMMMM… I go down his stomach letting my hands touch him so lightly just enough to show him what my goal is… as I continue down to his now fully erect cock… I let my mouth savory this moment for I want to feel this in my now watery aching mouth knowing I have the ability to make him mine. I start with my tongue just slowly letting him know that I want a good morning wake up. As I start let my tongue go up and down his shaft I can hear him moan so lightly than I feel his hands caress my ass as I know that that will lead him to touch me where I so enjoy so much. I let my now hot mouth take over and slowly start sucking him so lightly yet with enough pressure to know that he is in for a morning thrill. As I am doing this I am getting wetter and wetter knowing that I have the ability to arouse this man… He still has his eyes closed but I can hear him moan as I take him in deeper in my mouth to the back of my throat,… he then grabs my hair and shoves it in deeper… moving my head to what he wants from me… by than I am moaning and just savory his pre cum knowing that soon I will receive my prize… He then lets his hands do the walking to my clit.. he starts stroking it so slowly so lightly knowing this is driving me crazy… as he does this he knows that I will now by fully awake to do what he wants… but I don’t want to cum with his fingers but the cock that I been enjoying in my mouth…

I straddle him and let my hips do the movement that it’s so craving to do… as he enters my now fully awake pussy he knows that I am enjoying this wonderful way to wake up and start my day… as he enters he could feel my tight pussy open up to his hard cock… I let my hips move slowly but then my hips have a mind of its own… I start moving harder and stronger wanting him to be buried deep inside of me… I want to feel that this is the way to beginning a my day… as I move back and forward he then turns me over for now his is fully awake and does not like that I was the one with the idea and shows me what a man is all about… as he enters me from behind shoving is hard cock teaching me that I must be careful of what I wish for… He starts fucking me hard and fast showing me who is the one in charge and in control. He grabs my hair and rides me with such force with such eagerness that I have no choice but to let go of my cum all over his cock letting it drip down his thighs and mine. He feels me shaking with ecstasy as I release myself… just right before I believe what just happen he releases his cum inside of him I feel his hot cum squirt insides of me…. He slowly releases me and tells me Good Morning…. and I just smile for this is the way to start a good day!!

My own rollercoaster ride…. aftermath

7 Feb


Last night as I was laying in bed. I guess I am feeling blue because as I thought old habits came back quicker than expect. Before the experience I was baby, how I want you; now I am (the only text I get) Hey, there… Hope life is good to you today. I guess you can say I am now wondering.

I couldn’t get Alan out of my mind. I have the feeling he will never realize the gift I gave him, or maybe he does not realize I need reassurance; maybe this is a one sided love affair, I would hate to believe that. He does make me feel loved but than I wonder when I am alone. I know he cares and the circumstances make it hard especially once my roommate left. There are times when I think about how tender he is and yet there are times when he could be rough. I enjoy him completely for who he is, I accepted him but last night I missed him and I know as women we find excuses to why they are not there or make up are own assumptions, or make are selves feel better by saying at least he text. I know having a fantasy to be given to someone special you should be able to relive it but with him its more like it’s over, there is no reliving. I don’t have regrets but am having regrets of who I should have waited for that man who can be in my bed the following nights afterwards. I wanted the true meaning of it not being just sexual but a loving experience. Still I feel the loneliness afterwards and that is why I guess is what is making this hard for me. I wanted it be a special and it was (a little disappointing as I said in my prior blog) to me but is it to him? I know he made me feel it was special but than I am alone and nobody to reassure me. I guess this is my own hell of rollercoaster ride.

However, it was not even the experience that has me thinking more of some of the stuff we talked about. I know I belong to him, I think more than ever now and I hate it, for I thought I would belong to someone who would be able to give me back what I so much deserve. We talked about how it will be when I will find someone. He accepts it, yet hates the thought of it. He truly wants someone to give me what he is not able to. However, he hopes that I will find someone who is willing to accept him. I know deep inside that will not happen for the men I been with do not want to share me at all. He tells me he does not want to share me per say, but only in our fantasies, yet, I must share him. He told me he wouldn’t cheat on me, I responded by saying you told me you couldn’t help yourself if you did. Frankly, that is really when the changes happened for me, where I started realizing what he is capable of doing. He claims he does not want anybody else but me. I believe he thinks this but than it was in the heat of passion when he said it. He claims in so many words he will be loyal but I just don’t believe him something tells me he might be lying there, I honestly don’t think he understands what loyalty is about. He has been who he is for so long that he must have lost the meaning behind it besides that could only change for the right woman. He told me he might be going away to Costa Rica and its also bugging me because I wont hear from him for a week and well, what can I say, I have no rights there. However, I do have rights in finding that person who will give me as much as I am willing to give. I keep thinking this rollercoaster ride I am on, it’s isn’t his rollercoaster by mine for I the one with the emotional attachment. He continues to live his life with his wife and I am put to the side. How pathetic isn’t, yet, I don’t feel sorry for myself, I did dig my own grave. I can’t let him go and more than ever it will be harder. I thought about how he told me he Loved me in the middle of it all whispering it but than I wonder if he truly means it afterwards. He says his actions speak better than his words but his actions last night were not felt. I did ask him not to tell me he loved me if he didn’t mean it. It just wouldn’t be fair if he was just saying it. I might be losing focus here so I need to stay focus. I need to continue going out and making myself available.

I stopped going to my waterhole and said Good bye to everyone and told everyone that it will be a while before I come back, so I am now fully exposed. I still going to single meet ups, going to traffic stop light this weekend it should be fun. I not closing my door just yet, on any of this activities but it’s sure hard to keep it open. Maybe I will get lucky and find one that will change my status but he better be one FUCKEN amazing man for that to happen for its going to be hard to fill Alan’s shoes.

No regrets for now…

6 Feb


It’s been eventful 24 hours. Alan and I met the man. He really wasn’t that bad a little aggressive seemed nice, nothing unusual. He would be someone I could have a good conversation with if I met him outside these circumstances. However, he would not be someone I would want to have sex with but the way I saw it, he was an opportunity and I wasn’t there to build a friendship. He was just there to make a fantasy come true. In a way, he was a good choice in others I was disappointed.

It was an eventful night; the 3some did not play out as I thought it would. There were some points which I could have just walked away and there was some that made me stay. This man was an interesting and he seemed to understand what Alan and I were looking for as a first I didn’t really see it till today this morning. I think he was more concentrated in making sure we both received what we were looking for though Alan would have liked to have seen more interaction between us both but in a way it was good for it did not bring out any jealous or regrets. See I think that if this man would have only concentrated on me this would have made Alan uncomfortable for he would have felt left out. This man didn’t do that he did not take over but in a way just followed the flow and did not break the bond Alan and I have. In a way, he still let Alan and I bond without really interfering. In reality he knew that this was new to us and probably felt left out more than anything. I think if he would have concentrated only on pleasing me (which in a way did) but if he would have become aggressive and taken over this would have made Alan feel like a third wheel which I must give this guy credit for not doing that. Otherwise, we might not want to do this again.

I was more disappointed in how he smelled and his fetish. I couldn’t really handle either one. I made this man clean up which I usually wouldn’t have gone any further, however, this was different circumstances, we were in the room naked and I didn’t have the heart to send him away. Another was he had a foot fetish and honestly, I do no like anyone touching my feet sexually. I tried it once and I didn’t last more than two seconds so in the middle of it all, he saw my foot and tried to go for it. So happy I had my pedicure just done. It didn’t last a second and asked kindly for him to stop. There were more but those two were the main ones. What made it all special and worth it was the evening/day afterwards. We spend the night together, as we all know that does not happen often with APs, so I will always be grateful for this. Also, Alan spent the day with me bonding all over again, reconnecting, him claiming me as his. It was a sweet jester especially since a few days before I told him I wanted the effects as well. He made an effort, he took the day off and we spent it together bonding. Now here’s the big question?

So the reality of it all was good I can say I lived out one of my fantasies. So here comes the after effects, before this encounter Alan was texting me all day, calling me several times a day saying sweet nothings and of course, sexting, as we got closer to the day more and more bonding was happening, it felt really good. Now that it’s over will he continue or will it end. Will he just go back to old habits? I guess it’s a matter of time we will find out. I made a promise to him and I am not sure I can keep it especially since I don’t really remember the promise I made. He claims I said I will always see him one more time. I know deep down inside of me I can’t make a promise like that especially when he has a life with another. He asked me to show him my journal and I told him, No. I know my journal will hurt his feelings and he wouldn’t understand why I need to keep it real. Why I can not let myself go completely for if I did I would be doomed. In reality, I don’t want to be the “other woman” for life. He does not understand though we are bonded sexually, emotionally I can not let it happened. I know that he is perfect for these adventures and he would be perfect in many different levels but the reality is, we can never be more than we are now. I want more, will this damage me for others I don’t think so. I gave him a special gift that I have the feeling eventually I will regret but for now I don’t have regrets of what I did. I just hope that he continues giving me what I want till I find the one I can make a real life with. So I guess, soon I will find out if he will continue as he has or not till than I am sitting waiting to see the after effects either way I will be prepared,

A dangerous game

4 Feb


I really don’t know why writing has been difficult lately. I been trying to focus and nothing, nada maybe I am just tired of this rollercoaster that Alan has been taking me or just tired of listening to myself whine.

We are supposed to meet a man today to make the fantasy of the threesome a reality. I have learned so much in the last few weeks. One never let the girl look for the guy; it just does not work out. Even though I specifically said it was only for sex they all wanted a relationship. I even said that I was not here to replace my lover, OMG!! These men do not know how to read. I realized that I was getting frustrated and once Alan found out he was not happy either. I told him what I post and he went ahead and took over.

So Alan ended up having to take over and so far so good. He likes the control he has over the male and that he has no access to me, which of course makes him happy. It seems Alan has been getting more and more jealous as time goes by. He has made it clear that he will hate it if I didn’t make him the important one and that all my attention would go to someone else. I wonder what or how he is going to handle it when I do find someone and that person starts taking over. Will I be able to give myself as I have for Alan, I really do hope so. I know deep inside I will never find someone who has given me as much as he has but he will come close. He flat out said he does not want me to get married, I just laughed it off. The way I see it, you are married and I am not. So I am staying focus. He is the right man for me but not at this time or place, reality is what it is. You could only control so much from afar. I told him this as well, that though I “Like” him, I wont give up looking for someone who truly I can belong too, but till than I am his. I have been out there going to many meet up groups. I actually went out on a date but it was not good. The man came with an RV and was hoping I would take a ride with him. Yes, scary but I wont give up.

So today, one of our fantasies will possibly come true. How do I feel? I am a nervous wreck. Can I really go through this? I keep thinking about how I really wanted to do this with someone I can be truly committed too but Alan is the one I want to share this with. He will have total control of the situation. I will be his slut for those few hours and he will have total control. He will decide what will be allowed for those few hours I will be his proud sub; yet, I am scared that I will be giving him a part of me that nobody has ever had. This scares me for I am afraid once this is done will I ever be the same again. It a gift that should be cherished and not abused maybe I am seeing to much into it, its sex right nothing more but for me, it’s giving Alan a part of me that he will always have. I do hope I am not playing a dangerous game. I am nervous that once he takes this part of me he will not value it as he should. He will just see it as sex and nothing more. When for me it is giving myself in a level I have never done before. He is married and from what I been reading men will lie to get what they want, am I making a mistake I hope not for it will hurt beyond belief. I guess time will tell.