Archive | March, 2014

Realizing…

25 Mar

Dear…

I have agreed to see Alan tomorrow. I am happy but at the same time afraid even though I been miserable with him and not happy for a while, I think its worse to be without him in my life. He wants me to give myself back to him, will I, most likely but this time I will only give a part of me (this he will know before anything). For he can never truly have all of me, that’s for someone else, but he will get the part of me that still needs to be discovered. He opened many doors and knocked out many walls. He made me want to become his. He brought that out the part that is afraid of being with just one person and truly trusting them. I realized to be in a Dom/Sub you need trust and have some kind of commitment to be able to realize that the person in front of you is capable of making sure you do not get hurt. Though technically he did hurt me by not protecting our relationship, making sure he did not get caught but it was my fault for believing that he belonged to me when technically he does not. Yet, I believe he does belong to me for you need to belong to each other to be able to become amazing lovers, to be able to trust each other in many different levels but most of all to be able to find that connection that is rare in many forms, that is not just found anywhere. You could have many lovers and all of them be good/great but it takes one special one that makes it all worth the pain, hurt, the pleasure and the passion but most of all intimacy to make it one rare of connection.

I realize that many will just see me as bipolar but honestly, I think I need to be in this stage of our relationship to wake me up, to make me human again and make me feel again. I was dead inside for a long time always in control of my emotions never falling in love, always smiling, laughing but deep inside I was more afraid of pain and hurt so I never allowed myself to fall in love. I realize that I can not complain about our situation any more. I realize he will hurt me again but next time I will be more prepared and stronger than ever. I also realized he will treat me as the “Other Woman” no matter what. I also realized that I was expecting too much from him. I never expected anything from anyone before him so something changed in me here. I think in a way him getting caught has actually shown me that I forgot where I stand with him. I am happy he is staying with his wife; I just wish that there was more love between them instead of the loving brother type but I am also happy he didn’t let me go. Many will say he lied to me but honestly he has no reason too, I always said, “Reality is what it is”. He knows I always kept it real between us. He also knows that I can walk out of his life as easily as I walked in when I find that right person to take me in my next chapter of my life.

Alan does not know how hard it was for me to walk away from him to just let him go, he does not know that without him I felt empty. He asked me but I never told him how I felt he had enough in his plate to add more. I cried, really cried for the first time for a man, though I am strong he made me weak, he showed me how to love. I felt a part of me was taken, lost and not to be returned but I don’t want to lose the only man who made me face my fears. The only man who made me talk, when I didn’t want too. Alan made me realize that love comes in all forms, unusual places and unexpected forms.

Alan made me face my fears especially about commitment and helped me explore my sexual side and is willing to keep on discovering my needs as well as his, for it is ours to discover and do what we want. However, will he be loyal to me most likely not but then I have all rights to go find someone as well, which I will continue to do so, not planning on giving up on my Single meet up groups. I will enjoy our sexual adventures but he is only preparing me for the next man, so I might as well enjoy it and let destiny play in our road of our sexual needs and fantasies. Will I probably continue to bitch about our relationship most likely but then what is there to bitch about when I am the one returning to it.

I just know make up sex is fun with him and so looking forward to some lost time.

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Do I continue or do I stay away…

21 Mar

This probably will not make sense to nobody but me… so read with a huge warning….

That’s the question I been asking myself the last few days. Alan called me and has been calling me, and he is asking to see me. Says he can not stand not talking to me. Says he needs to see me. Says that it’s unfair that he is not entitle to have sex and needs to learn to live without (I remember those days). Says that he does not want to lose his best friend. Says he will continue still living a conventional marriage. Says he feels obligated to take care of his wife because she is almost 60 and it would be hard to start over at that age. Says its worse of a sin to leave the marriage and its better just to continue having an affair.Says that things are better at home and that he is happy that the wife and him are pleasant to each other and one of the good things this affair has brought back to home. As I was reading another bloggers post. He lives in an “Empty Love” stage both afraid to leave but yet comfortable with each other and financial reasons could be harmful all the way around.

I feel that I am going crazy. Part of me wants to pick up where we left, and I do love him. He is the one for me but still what am I truly looking at. I am not the one calling him. Matter of fact i even ignored his calls till I got tired of the phone ringing. He has been asking me to see him and I been declining. So now its up to me. But how do you leave someone you love? How do you leave someone who owns your heart, mind and soul? It’s painful not having him in my life. He is right for me in many different levels and I admire that he is staying in his marriage and feels obligated take care of his wife. I feel that the last few weeks I been all over the map and that I am asking to get myself in trouble when I know that he can control that part of me. He has total control, how do I find someone I can trust like him? I will be anything he wants me to be. I guess in a way I already know the answer.

I am going to stay home this weekend and think real hard. But if someone can just answer how do you let go of someone you love without the pain? How do you let go of someone who does not want to let you go, but has control of you in a way nobody will ever have?

Sweet Revenge

17 Mar

Dear…

Was started last week…

I haven’t really felt like writing. There are so many emotions just running through me. Every time I wanted to start writing I would start crying and I don’t want that, even right now these tears are just ready to flow. Sometimes I am OK and then there are times I just want to cry my heart out, I also do not have patience’s right now for anything. However, just like I figured he wants to continue our relationship. He has called/emailed me several times even asking to see me this (last) week, I declined. I have too many thoughts, feelings to deal with.

I feel that at the end he just treated me if I didn’t matter; now just calling/emailing me whenever he feels fit (every 3-4 days) for the first time he is worried that his wife is checking his phone bill. I have the feeling he wants to continue to call/email just to make sure that he doesn’t lose total control over me so once things cool down at home, he can come calling again, and he always said I was the perfect fit. I just feel that this time is different all the way around. I feel these feelings that I didn’t knew could exist. I hate that for the first time he makes me feel like I don’t matter and that I am truly second place. I should not be a surprise in that statement because deep inside of me I knew his wife would always come first and should be the one he please but he never made me feel this way. He always made me feel important, special but I guess it was all a lie, but really I would be lying if I believe that. He claims I should be patient and understanding, but I am not the one emailing/calling him. He does not like that I am putting distance between us but honestly, I am only treating him like he is treating me. I been staying away, I never started any conversations with him it was always been him but he was always stayed in constant communication now I guess I should be given crumbs to make sure I don’t go far. Yet, if I do not answer one of his emails he gets upset but when I do I need to wait several days before I hear a reply back, I really do not understand the crumb part here. I don’t think he understands that I am just not going to be relying to something that might now give me a reply back.

However, declining him last week and letting him know that I was going to Vegas was sweet. Yes, I told him I was leaving for Vegas to forget everything and just have fun. I do not think he understood the part of what I am trying to forget. However, it was my way of rubbing it in, letting him know I am not just at home crying over him (OK I did that and still do but lets not tell him). He straight off said he hated that I was leaving for the weekend and he did not like it, but he lost those rights. He claims he does not know what is happening in My life and can not stand not talking to me. Yet, I am doing exactly what the perfect mistress is supposed to do, STAY THE FUCK AWAY!!! He thinks I am seeing someone, you just don’t turn off love that easily and honesty, this kind of relationship would be difficult to relive with someone else or basically he knows what he is losing, I think its more of knowing someone else can have what I offered to him. I turned off my phone because I got tired of looking for a call/email that might not come. He was upset about that, he left me a message that made him sound mad, why I don’t understand he has no rights. He claims to misses me, yet, I shouldn’t go to Vegas. He tells me his life at home is now pleasant and nice to be able to go home without feeling anger; he has been golfing and going to the movies with his wife, so why stop me from going on with my life? I told him that’s great and that he should continue to keep on trying. He does not want me to leave him but how can you leave something that is really not yours to keep. Besides I would never leave him for he will always own a part of me I am just saying Good bye to us.

It seems every since D-day and I saying, good-bye has just brought me some negative energies my way. I found out my ex is going to take me to court and he stopped the child support again. My car is acting up as well as my phone. The only good thing that is happening was Vegas. I need a weekend to get away and even though I can not afford it but I know that I only had to worry about meals, my friends got free rooms so we used them up.

I had a really great time. I could have had a several sexual adventure but I declined. I just can not bring myself to Fuck a men (Yea, I meant that in plural) even though it would have been one of those hot stories you read about. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to just forget I was very close to it but told him to put it away that it wasn’t going to happen. See the first one happen on Friday evening, like always my friend and I ditched the other people and ventured out with ourselves. When we are alone watch out, men seem to flock to us. We can be surrounded by up to 8 men, not kidding you, I got pictures to go with that, I can not tell you how many times women have been jealous of us when in reality we are just have some good fun. I guess her and I together are like magnets, we are the perfect combination. We are totally opposites, she is small and petite, while I am tall and full figure, more like voluptous as they tell me. We both have been to place where we could be the only women there and still feel safe. We have never gotten into any real trouble.

Our first night was a blast, we danced, drank, and almost, almost had public sex but I declined and for her well, I proud of her. I shouldn’t say much isn’t there a saying here about Vegas staying in Vegas. I have to say Saturday we ended up somewhere on the state line and what can I say her and I were bored but than our sweet outgoing personalities came out around 10 pm. We were ready to go to bed when I told her lets go to the bar and see the live band next thing I knew, I started talking and I met some riders that turn out to be 50 of them. Yeah, you heard that right but we didn’t do anything and they were perfect gentlemen. How the hell did this happen I don’t know but I just know that I can get a crowd started, I even got some women to join us. One of our friends claimed you always do that, you can always get a crowd to dance, sing and just have fun, how the hell do you do it, we can hear your laughter across the casino. We can have down to earth fun without any sexual pressure. I guess that is why Alan is afraid to lose me, he knows that I am the one that choose what I will do and with whom. He knows that men are attracted to me. I know that sounds conceited but ever since he brought me back out of my shell he gave me, my smile and laughter back but he also brought back my sexual energy. I never did tell him that because I was afraid that he would be jealous that no matter where I go I always meet someone. However, no matter how much fun I have he is not far from my thoughts, I was hoping he would email me but he never did but than that’s no surprise he does need to keep the wife happy and he did have golf this weekend. Yet, I had Vegas Baby, Vegas and it was a blast!!!! Now that was my sweet revenge!!! For I not going to be one of those mistresses that waits to see what happens and wonder if today is the day he calls. So now off to ST. Patrick day’s I go and lets hope I find a really strong Irishman that will rock my world.

Loving a married man…

6 Mar

Dear…

I found this lost in one of my other journals and realizing that he never did belong to me no matter what the connection was I knew than the reality of now…

I will be alone not being able to see you
It’s knowing your smiling with someone else who truly makes your life
It’s sleeping alone wondering if you
miss me at all or am I just sex to you
and nothing else?
It’s being with someone and always feeling alone
It’s having to love only in my home without the world
seeing my love for you
This is what loving a married man
is all about
It’s about having and not having
at the same time!
Yet, as I wait for that stolen moment I know that deep inside I belong to you…
But knowing that soon you’ll be smiling to the one who truly makes your life…

Self-Destructive

5 Mar

I am tired of the pain and want to be self destructive by that I mean finding meanless men and just to FUCK them and forget my pain. Treat them as they treat us but the only difference is that I will be the one to walk away without feeling what I am feeling now. I trying real hard not to let myself but right now that is what I want. I know it’s wrong and so late in age, you figure I would be smarter than this but it will help my numbness. For those moments I can just forget him. I know it’s wrong, the funny thing is I dont understand why I want to when I knew that Alan and I had an end date, maybe cause I was not truly prepared as I should have been. I asked my friend for help in not letting me out but I can not stay home alone thinking of him, either. I am so mad at him for letting himself get caught, for exposing me to his wife. It’s not like the first time it happens but this time it’s different. I feel like I lost myself and I shouldnt have. He never really treated me as the other woman but as a friend/lover and now I lost my friend/lover. I don’t want to be waiting by my phone in hopes today will be the day he calls. Last night it killed me and I broke down because I knew that call wouldnt come not this time. It made reality set in. So having meanless sex might be what I need right now so I don’t think of him so I can make this numbness go away. I refuse to let a man like him control my emotions. I am refusing to belittle myself to my emotions but take back the control I had before I meet him.

Numbess…

4 Mar

Dear…

This weekend was full of emotions I was not really ready for(I will post later). I saw him yesterday and in so many words I said Good Bye. It was hard to see him but I needed to close this relationship my way, not his. Usually we let the man decide when the affair is over and we sit at home crying but this time I did it my way. I need him to work on his marriage even though he claims it’s over. I asked him why would you want to continue when your wife is not going to give you a chance all he could say is I can not live without you. I believe him but honesty, I am too attached to him and he owns part of me that will be hard for me to let go if I continue.

I made love to him one last time, and he turns around and tells me he could see my soul in my eyes. I was hoping he wouldn’t but he did. I don’t want him to know how painful this is. I told him that he shouldn’t contact me. I wish I knew why this time it was different. I know he sense that I was letting him go. I think he was hoping we can pick up where we left off. However, things have to change and sometimes we are not ready for it. I am more in shock than anything else. I feel numb; I feel I lost a part of me I was not ready to lose. However, I need him to work out his marriage. I know that he probably find someone else to replace me, I just hope they are good to him as I was.
But for now I will deal with my emotions my way and he could deal with his way. I just wish the numbness would go away.