Archive | April, 2014

Sorry I been gone but needed to disgust…

9 Apr

Dear… Please forgive me if you don’t understand my blog but just typing without thinking it through…

I been trying to figure myself out the last few weeks. I was happy to see Alan and be back in his arms, it felt so right, OMG!! it felt so good, that I let myself get lost. However, ever since then I been avoiding him. I actually am ignoring his calls not all but some. He has asked to see me and I made up excuses why I couldn’t go, and before I could cancel today’s visit he cancelled it on me. As much as I want him, it’s still raw how I feel. I didn’t even feel like writing because I didn’t want to accept my feelings right now. I guess that’s one of my hidden shadows as per another blogger has mention in his blog. I am not good with feelings never have been. You will always see me happy and excited about life as long as I do not get comforted with emotions. Dont get me wrong I love my kids, my dog, my family and friends but to love another man well I have said it before it took me over 30 years to find a man who gets me more confused, more frustrated and yet makes me happy without actually doing much.

So why ignore him? Why cancel out on him? because for the first time in my life I gave myself to him again when I was supposed to hold back the worse part is I gave myself back to a married man who does not deserve me completely yet, my mind-body and soul belong to him. I know my heart tells me that this is the one but my mind tells me this rollercoaster ride is not made for me. I am too old to handle it. I am no longer that strong woman who used to be able to hide her emotions. I am trying to blame it on Menopause but I know that I would be lying to myself. I never lied to myself and I am not about to start now. I love him more than I love myself and it hurts like hell for he can never completely be mine. I don’t text him, I don’t even answer his emails/texts if he does. I am changing on him this time it’s my way of fighting back. I don’t wait for his phone calls and since I helped him find a free way of calling me, my excuse when he gets mushy is I can’t hear you and I hang up. I been keeping myself busy very busy that I even signed up for dating sites. Yes, you read that right. Thats who I am, I don’t let myself go into depression instead I become very productive and figure out ways of trying to make myself forget my feelings maybe that is why I hate Alan in a way for he made me talk about my feelings. He made me face my demons and though I hate him for it. I love that he has made me so much more open to falling in love. Thats what I am trying to digust that he made me realize that there is a difference between Fucking and actually making love. So the bottom line is that I want LOVE…

So instead of writing in my journal, what am I doing is playing on dating sites, I signed up for match.com, okcupid and zoosk(just canceled that one) and you think with these three sites that maybe I would at least find one man out there who can capture my interest. I had many hits each day, many emails and lots of winks and interest and yet Nada!! Zero hits. I wont give up though… I just know there is someone out there with a connection that will blow Alan out of my heart mind and soul…

I do want to send a special thanks to Cinnamon and Sparkles formly Phoenixsubbie cause of the way she described her dating scenarios I discovers some value information in finding a new dom but if it wasnt for her story of #4. I might have gotten myself into trouble not knowing what I was doing… Thank you