Archive | June, 2014

The right partner

11 Jun

I was sitting here and just thinking how life changed for Alan and me. When did the feelings developed? When did it become more than just FWB situation and now lovers? I remember when I first started off I was with my ex and I would go to see Alan and do our thing and leave. I would just get dress and leave simple as that, I wouldn’t let my feelings develop because I knew the rules. I remember that I knew better than to develop any feelings. I remember Alan telling me I was like a theft at night. I would come and take what I wanted and once done leave as soon as he fell asleep without saying Good bye. When did he and I start wanting more time with each other, where did it become longer hours, or hating to leave each other? I knew he was with others in the beginning of our relationship; he didn’t have to tell me I knew. I did ask him but of course he lied and said he hadn’t. So I knew from that time this man is capable of lying even though he says he is not good at it. I lied too. We all do especially in affairs; majority should be a better word.

In the beginning it was just fun and exciting no feelings. So why am I talking about this now. It’s like a broken record player. Well, not long ago Alan tells me that for some reason he thinks I am it the last one he can be with, the perfect lover and friend for him, there will be no comparing to others. He doesn’t think he would be able to look for someone else, that I am the last one maybe at that time he meant it but we all know that’s not true. I took that with grain of salt. I have too, I got no choice otherwise I will end up being his mistress for the remainder of my life. Besides, I know that is not what I want so for now I must take his words for the moment as grain of salt.

After being caught this last time I haven’t really wanted to do any fantasies with him. I felt that after our threesome I gave him a part of me and that in the long run this could be dangerous to me if I continue giving him these fantasies. Don’t get me wrong I still want them but not sure if it should be him. He asked me to set up another profile so we can continue, I am delaying it honestly; these kinds of fantasies should be with someone you can be with afterwards someone who truly loves you. Many would say that having threesomes, swinging or anything out of the norm is just not proper behavior and that it’s all about sex but honestly, with the right person, the right partner this could be a very good experience and bring excitement that most relationships sometimes lose. I also believe that being with someone who cheats as a norm this might also help out the relationship. Some will argue that’s not true. But how many times have we not fantasied about the milk man, a favorite actor/actress or a cute man/woman with our minds. Once committed that’s it nobody else, just the one you sleep with but honestly, I been there and I might have been able to tolerate my ex better if I had a chance to explore my sexuality. It’s amazing with the right partner what options are out there.

I think the swingers have a better relationship than the norm. I have talked to couples (several) who been married over 20 years and they are still in love with there SO and respect them as the ones who hide it. They will straight off say they don’t cheat and that they are loyal to their partner but are happy to explore their sexuality with other partners. I guess you need to have that mentality to be able to handle it. I mean you do have your swingers who get divorce but the ones who I talked to made me think. One of the statements that did this was: You do not want to demeanor your relationship by going behind your spouse or SO but be honest and open. Having a threesome or whatever it be shouldn’t be all about sex but being able to share this with your partner that it brings closeness because there is no trust broken. I know many would argue that but I am not talking about what society has taught us up to be but to be able to have that open mind besides I am not here to convince anyone, I am just expressing. Nobody has to agree with what I am saying but I am realizing if I want to stay loyal to someone this might be the way for me to do it. I guess you can say I got out of the subject so back to Alan I go.

I been delaying our profile because I am realizing that I want what these swingers have the special bond with someone. I want to be able to build closeness with my partner that will make it fulfilling in all levels not part time. When we did this fantasy I was not prepared that I would be giving a part of myself to Alan. I gave him a part of my soul, heart. Maybe to him it was about the sex but to me it was much more than that. I know Alan felt it too; things have changed dramatically between us since then. There is a bond but a limited one and I want unlimited. When Alan made this fantasy come true it was an experience that will always be imprinted in me but to experience with him, I just don’t have the words to express the closeness the aftermath, the tenderness, appreciation of each other. We still talk about it and when we are making love he reminds me who I belong too and at that moment I am his. But and this is a big “BUT”, I want more than the part time I want to find a man who can dominate me, be able to love freely and be able to explore this sexuality with the love, trust but most of all the loyalty to each other. I haven’t been able to express this to Alan because I know this will hurt him. I so afraid to hurt this man though he has hurt me. How do you express to someone you love that though you love them, but there is no way I can continue to give myself to someone who can never give me back the same level of love I am capable of giving. I know that replacing him will be hard. I have been trying with no success. For the first time, I am lost for words for someone. I always been honest with my (past) lovers but with Alan I just have no guts to tell him having fantasies with him can hurt me. How do I tell him I wish it was him but that reality is what it is, and having anymore fantasies with him can really cause me damage in the long run….
I do love this man but I do have to be smart in protecting myself.

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Things are changing

6 Jun

Things have changed for me. I am still in love with Alan but I am being smart about it. I told him I want him to stay married and that I need him to work on his marriage though I do see him and it has been intense I simply will not let myself go like before. Many would say how he can work on his marriage when I am still in the background but when you have the marriage that is unconventional things are different. He tells me he loves his wife but the intimacy is no longer there. They live a good life. I am just there for the intimacy and that’s fine with me. However, I know I need more and that he was the one that helped me heal showed me that I was desirable and that I deserve better. I don’t expect his calls anymore as matter fact I told him that it keeps me real when he doesn’t. We no longer text as before as matter as fact we go days without communicating. I hate it sometimes but I needed it to push my away and give me strength. I also told him it makes me happy that they (his wife and him) no longer take each other for granted, and that they are pleasant with each other. I know it saddens him that his wife expects to live in a sexless relationship and it’s hard to accept. I been there and the main reason I started this affair. He is not happy that I am out there exposing myself more each day but told him I need to find someone for myself. That I need to be able to find that right man who will want to spend time with me as I him. He has been going through some emotional turmoil and I hate knowing that it might be because of me but I made it clear that it shouldn’t be. I did tell him to just enjoy each other till it all comes to an end. However, after his affair being discovered things have already changed and he knows it. Of course, he does not want it to end who wouldn’t especially if you got a lover who makes no demands and understand that nothing could ever happen but enjoyment. He has said “You do not know what the future will bring for us.” I felt like telling I do know and it does not include you besides I am not allowing myself to even think there is a future between us. I have asked myself many times why I didn’t let go but I know that deep inside I know I will never find what I have with this man.
I know that he loves me as I love him but like I told him that all he knows is what’s behind the four walls that we meet in. He does not know me expect when I make love to him. He does not know how many times I had to cry myself to sleep because I missed him. He does not know that men are attracted to me not because what I do in the bedroom because who I am outside the bedroom. There was an incident where we almost went to the same comedy show and he was surprised that I even went to that same club. However, on this particular day I just didn’t feel like going and cancelled at the last minute. I told him if that ever happened it’s best to act like we do not know each other but I knowing me I would just walk out and let him enjoy himself with his wife. It would be to awkard for him and I do not want that for him, I want him to enjoy his wife when there is that moment that they can. He has to understand and not be jealous that I am meeting men and that when I find the right one that makes me happy, he should be happy for me. It’s hard to talk about this with him because I know that he would want it to last however, it will not be fair to me. We have talked about me telling him when I do. I don’t have a problem him knowing when I start dating I just have a problem him asking me what I do in the bedroom. He says he would be happy if I had a one night stand especially if I included him in it, in our fantasy world but in the same sentence he hopes I wouldn’t. I told him that if I ever met a man I want to have sex with I will tell him expect for the one that I want to be in a relationship with. I do not want him to know what I and that person are doing for the love making will be different and I refuse to compare them or him to ridicule it. I know this hurt him but its reality. I know that he wishes that it could stay the same but for now it will, however, changes are coming I can feel it till then I am just enjoying his company, his laughter and most of all our love making. I do hope his turmoil does ends for nobody should be in turmoil however; at least I am being honest with him. He has mention to me his turmoil but to be honest, I refuse to believe that it’s about me. I just do not want him having to choose for he made his life with this woman he needs to continue what he started but not with me. I am just being realistic that eventually our love affair will end but when the time is right so for now him and I are enjoying each other because basically that’s all we can do.

I am back….

5 Jun

I been having technical difficulties so hopefully I will be able to start my blogging again… YYYAAYYY!!! How I missed my journal? So much has been happening that I do not even where to start…. but I am happy that I am back. So soon I will be writing and doing a lot, a lot, a lot of catching up!! I am so happy to be BACK!!! I missed so many of you!!