Archive | August, 2014


28 Aug

I been trying to figure out so many things, one I miss having someone at home, I am hating that soon (a year from now) I will be completely alone, I never thought this would affect me the way it does, I know now why, just not liking the reason behind it. Have I gotten stronger, No. Have I figured it out, No. I been reading others blogs with no insight of what I might do. I been reading a lot especially my favorite blogs but unable to comment for I don’t know how to respond because I am lost for words with myself and can’t seem to be able to give the right response however, I been liking many, I guess in a way to let people know I am alive.

I am someone who always had control of my emotions. So not sure how to get it back. Once I gave myself as a sub I never knew there would be a price to pay as I am paying now. I never thought you could give yourself completely but how the hell do you give yourself completely when in reality its only a fantasy, right?.

I been trying real hard to keep myself busy even letting men enjoy me by allowing them to feel my skin, ok my ASS (for some reason men seem to want to touch it all the time, even when I say no) but not going home with them. I am very sexual woman and for some reason when I am drinking it comes out more. I become a tease as you say and waiting for the right one to actually take home, well maybe just rent a hotel and go there. I don’t bring men home. Many would say that this is not the correct way to go but honesty, it’s a form of healing for me. Some would say that its unstable but for me it’s dusting myself off and getting back out there and great way to practice my seduction. I rather do that then stay at home pondering about my life or thinking about Alan. However, last night for the first time in a long time now I been bottling up my emotions and I had the hardest cry over Alan cancelling our visit. I haven’t really seen him in about two weeks and I wanted to see him more than ever. Maybe it’s because of my behavior but I am missing him more than I can describe so I decide this weekend I will be going to my favorite nudist club and just enjoy the sun. Alan wont like it because he knows that I could easy get laid but he really can’t control what I do. He might be able to have control behind closed doors but outside those doors well, I am who I am, though he has changed me in so many different ways.

I am going because I love being naked, enjoying being carefree and knowing that these people see life so much more differently then most people. This is how I will end my summer, turning off my cellphone for 4 days, did I mention I won’t be telling anyone where I am at that’s including Alan in a way its my way of gaining control back, plus escaping reality, enjoying the sexual energy, the sun and just forgetting will give me the energy I need to find my answers I been seeking all summer. Lets just hope this clears my mind and makes me stronger. I just know my reservations are confirmed and I am about to go lose myself to the sun and wonderful group of people who just love life.


Still trying to figure out…

18 Aug

I know I haven’t written but honesty, just trying to figure all of this out. I felt like all I did was write about Alan and letting him go and the sadness it would bring me. I also have accepted I am his lover and I can not seem to let him go. However, I also realized that I need someone not just part time. I have all these emotions that I am trying to figure out. I have accepted I am in love with a married man and letting him go is to painful but I am learning to deal with being in love and start dating at the same time. I have yet to figure it out. I just feel that I am cheating the person I am trying to meet when I honestly, don’t feel what I do with Alan. How the heck do you date when your heart belongs to someone else? I feel that I come close but at the end I just walk away without a blink and wait for a call that might not come. I tried to get mad at Alan but that never works. I tried to not answer but I just long for him more. So I am still in the same rut… I still enjoying my life and have many ways of distracting myself but I can not seem to be able to date someone when my heart belongs to someone else.

I will try to write some more soon but for now just trying to figure out what my next step will be.