Archive | September, 2014

Conditioning

19 Sep

My aunt ended up dying the day before my birthday last week after all. It’s been a hard month. I understand that life must go on and it was hard seeing her suffer. I still had the get together for my birthday though my heart was not in it. I wasn’t in the mood to party. I pulled myself together put on a smile and off I went to enjoy my birthday. I got so wasted I ended in the car passed out, it had been a long time since I done that. I just knew that being out there that my friends would think I was OK but honestly, I wasn’t. I very good at hiding my emotions. I was sad in the way my aunt passed, so mad at my relatives for making her suffer and upset that I didn’t have a shoulder to cry on but I was everyone else’s shoulder. I made myself strong and made sure everyone was OK. I made my cousins laugh and told her(them) that she would be up with the angels, and once she knocks on St. Peters door, she will flip them off and walk right through. She was a very blunt and outgoing. I kept the humor up yet I was hurting inside. I condition myself to the environment and worked with it.

There is so many things I realized and one of them is I do need someone of my own. I missed having someone to crawl into bed with, someone to hold my hands when things are tough but most of all having someone for moral support. I been so independent that I pretty much just do things in automatic mode. I didn’t even tell Alan how critical my aunt was for fear that him being married was going to make him a disappoint to me. That probably doesn’t make sense since he is supposed to be my dearest friend but being married does damper our relationship. Not that I want him to leave his wife but you really can’t be friends with a married man not unless the wife is involved. Which in reality he really doesn’t have no obligations towards me and I shouldn’t expect either. Maybe I don’t give him a chance either to prove me wrong but what’s the use when he is married.

He has been good these last few weeks more then ever. He even went as far as to get me roses delivered at my job without even asking me my work address. However, I felt telling him what was going on I would be disappointed, being in a relationship like ours is always disappointed for you really cant count on each other. However, on the day it happened he sensed my sadness and at last had me confess what is happening. He did get upset that I close up and didn’t tell him. He always tells me to open up to him but why when there is no future. I told him but I knew that he couldn’t be there for me and I have been missing having someone of my own. He hates that I am looking for someone. It’s was hard to crawl into my empty bed and realize that this could be my life if I don’t do anything to change it.

I love Alan and I know he loves me but what kind of love is it if I cant pick up the phone and call him (though he tells me I can) or text him anytime I want(he tells me that I can). He makes it a point to let me know that if I need him he will be there but how? He tells me that him and his wife are nothing but friends. I am actually seeing the old habits of them both coming back. I am noticing the texting is back in the evenings and the walks alone again, both of them doing their own thing. I don’t understand this and why go back to old habits instead of improving the relationship I been staying away and only visiting him once a month. I don’t accept the calls as before I closed myself. I can’t let go but I been good about accepting our relationship. Life is to short to be living a life where there is no living or happiness. After my aunt I am realizing she lived her last year the way she wanted too. She knew the day was coming didn’t say a word but did piss off a lot of people on the way out. Hell, maybe I should do what she did and say screw it!! Its’s my life and I will do what I want!! Instead of just conditioning myself to what is around me, I should condition myself in living my life the way I see fit. Even if it means having a part time friend/lover.

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Life is evil joke!!

9 Sep

So left on my weekend escape, enjoyed myself, just drank and relaxed. Alan would creep into my mind but I just ignore it and keep myself very busy. Cell phone is off I am on a mini vacation and I do not want to hear anything but the wind blowing and laughter. I want to feel the sexual energy from the Swingers especially from them. I wanted to wake up the sleeping dragon but of course it didn’t work. As an opportunity arises I just couldn’t go through it, even when I was tipsy. My Loyalty to Alan is killing me. But I continue to enjoy myself so I am having a blast thinking life is to short and I need to find someone to spend it with but I already know this. I know what I am willing to accept or not, I also know this. Alan might have what I want but I do believe that I just need to realize that he is not the only with these qualities. Being that my birthday was in a week away. I thought what the heck screw it, I am going to celebrate. I got friends who have been bombing my voice message asking what are my great plans are. I decided I am going to open myself to my friends and let them know I am willing to date and hopefully, they know of a nice man I can find appealing. That’s what I want from them as a birthday present lots of “Blind Dates”.

Well, as soon as I got home. I listen to my messages. Of course, there were many, there are some from Alan, and lots of my family members. Apparently I stepped into family drama. My aunt is sick and has been for a long time. The family was called in and well by Friday of last week the news is grim. I been arguing with them to let her go to stop her suffering. That was last week.

My aunt is dying and my birthday is this week. I know this is cruel but I do not want her to die on my BIRTHDAY!! We knew this day would come. I do not want her death by associated with my birthday. We knew that she has lived her life the best she could and that we would need to let her go. However, I want to be selfish. I want them now to wait till next week. I know I am being selfish but they do not understand that I believe death is a celebration of rebirth. If they even find out that I was planning on a party while my aunt is in the hospital. That life must go on but honesty, I seen death to many times to not realize its way of life. I seen it leave a person’s body so death does not scare me but makes me believe that it’s the way we evolve. I seen my friends continue on with their lives when a love ones have passed on. They just keep on going for we are still alive. They do not mourn for months but enjoy the life that is now. I know it’s selfish but this birthdate I was going to open my options to everyone and let them know I am ready. How can life be so cruel!!! How can it play an evil joke??

But what kills me is the way my uncle loves his wife. I never seen this in real life expect when it comes to them both. I admire how my uncle looks at her with such love and pain, with such tenderness and sadness. She is his life. he is in agony. He is the one that makes me believe in true love. The fairy tale kind, the one where two soul mates meet and were meant to be together. I even told my mom, you and my dad do not look at each other with such tenderness, such caring, and their love just oozes off of them. It’s the kind of love you hope to only dream of having. I even said it would not surprise me if “The Notebook” scene came true between them. That he would crawl into her bed and they both just go together. He will die I know this for their love is pure. He will not be capable of living without her, it will not surprise me if he goes quickly. As I see them, it hits me, Alan looks at me like that, yet, we can never be. Life is evil. I said it many times that the Gods are on Alan’s side. He has a radar when to texts me or calls it’s like he knows someone is buzzing around me. How can he look at me like that knowing he can never belong to me. I saw that look, the look of longing, wanting, and love. I seen it and hate to know that this might be an evil joke from life. How can that be possible??? How can life be an evil joke??? How am I supposed to go ahead with a birthday party with my aunt dying and knowing that I will turn my back on the kind of love you could only hope for and look for something better??? I just know that I must have this get together, its my way of opening my doors and heaven, knows when I will have the courage to do it again. I just know for now I am dealing with life’s evil jokes.