Archive | October, 2014

Too bad… No response

28 Oct

Not sure what happened but after emailing this I didn’t get a response. I was responding to a guy (we have been emailing for a while) and letting him know this is what I am looking for and then I realized that Alan has changed my perception more then I ever thought. I realized that this is a huge part of what I want in my next relationship.. so I will be sharing a part of my email…

I do believe you can be loyal now. Before maybe I would have said differently but now I do believe that being loyal does not mean you are stuck with this individual to meet your sexual desires but to share with him and others. I know that I would enjoy him fucking someone with me there. I know it would turn me on to see this but I would also want him to see the desire I have for the man in front of me but in the middle of both of us lusting with others to see into each others eyes and see that the love only belongs to him and me and we are only sharing our desires with others but at the end its just him and me. Going and finding your desires alone would never be right without the other partner being there. This might break the trust for you will never truly know what is going on behind that closed doors, this could bring jealously and insecurities. I guess that is why I am being very selective for I want this now.

I also believe that the love gets stronger and more unique in many different levels. Not just the mind but the body and soul. It’s about being with someone and truly letting that person see all of you. Finding a connection only you and him/her have. yet, knowing that we are allowing the freedom to enjoy our sexual desires to each other and with others. I don’t think one partner for life can do that but with the help of your partner it could be so much more special and trusting and understanding… it rare to find a connection that truly allows all of this plus more. Life is what we make out of it and its up to us to make sure that we can lust for others and yet be loyal to each other.

To bad he didn’t like my perception of an semi open relationship … I guess I was to blunt and he wasn’t looking for what I wanted… mmmm


I am hoping…

24 Oct

It’s been one of those weeks with so much going on. A couple of friends I know just lost their parents this past week, 2 to be exact. Than the news hits me Alan’s dad is in bad health and might have lung cancer. He has been calling me and I been supportive, trying to comfort him but I cannot completely since one it’s over the phone and I don’t want to over step my boundaries. I feel this is the wife’s role not mine. Maybe I am over thinking it but honesty, isn’t the wife supposed to comfort him. I have a feeling that this is not happening. I have a good sixth sense of things or maybe he just does not want to accept the fact that his dad might be dying and getting mixed vibes.

I know that when my aunt was dying I wanted to have someone hold my hand and give me a shoulder to cry on or an armpit to cuddle into, it’s when I realized that I needed to find someone of my own. So I am truly hoping that the wife does this plus more give him the intimacy he so deserves in this time of need. I want her to be there for him for this is the time he needs someone losing a parent is hard. However, when I told him, he needed to go see his dad, he responded as if in shock like nobody has told him to do this. I don’t understand why, have a long pause and act like this is the first time he has heard this. He has been under stress/pressure that I am afraid that he might end up in the hospital himself. One thing I am learning is that he is working longer hours even though this is common during this time. He seems to me that he is avoiding his home, why? I am not sure what I can do but lend an ear, however, I really am hoping the wife is there to hold his hand and comfort him because this the time that he needs someone. I know I did but I just can’t be the one for it’s not my position to do so. I won’t step out of my boundaries I know that sound ironic since I am in love with him (and fucking him) but there are certain things I feel that I shouldn’t be there for, not that I don’t want to but it’s the only way I can keep myself from falling harder for him. I don’t want him to depend on me emotionally (too much) for it’s his wife that he needs to connect with not me.

I guess I just keep replaying what he has told me before about the wife showing no intimacy, no holding hands, no cuddling, no spooning is the reason why he holds on to me tight when we are together. I just hope that this time my sixth sense is wrong (which usually isn’t), she does this plus more and that this brings them closer because this is the time to put things aside and be there for each other.

It’s hilarious…

14 Oct

I figured I need to write about my weekend…
It was hilarious. I went to a friend’s family birthday party. I had to add family since I usually don’t go to these kinds of events and now I know why but I figured it would be a good place to meet someone, you just never know. I was happy to be invited and figured I really like this girl she reminds me so much of me. She has no shame, if she likes a guy off she goes to do her thing and doesn’t care what people think of her. I tell her enjoy it while she can, be who she wants to be, let everyone else be jealous.

So here I am at this party meeting her family, drinking and just enjoying it. It had been a while. So I see this man, I find out it’s an uncle of hers. He literally stopped in his tracks and introduces himself to me. I loved the twinkle in his eyes , I enjoyed his smile and he seemed like he had a good sense of humor. He leaves to go somewhere and before I know he comes back.
He sits across of me and says in a polite matter…” Will you give me the honor to dance with me?” I thought to myself, he’s got manners. Off we go to dance, right away before we get to the dance floor, he asks me, “Do you like men?”, I never been asked that I found that hilarious and started laughing hard. I told him, if I didn’t I would be dancing with him. He apologized and responded, “Sorry but with today’s society I just don’t know”. I figure he must not go out often. As we are dancing and he was a good dancer too. He tells me, we are a perfect fit and that I felt good in his arms, when will I be able to see you again. I responded maybe in the next family get together and winked at him.

So you probably wondering why I am even writing this but I need to give you the background before the final laugh. I found this so unbelievably hilarious!!!

So we ended the dance and we did dance well together. He knew to twirl me at the right time, move his hip to the right beat. We end the dance and he once again disappears. I didn’t think anything of it but there was an empty chair next to me. He comes back and sits next to me and starts up a pretty good conversation but I didn’t notice that a woman had walked up front of us and was just looking. I was laughing at his jokes, they were funny. He once again, he says, I want to meet up with you again. I told him let me think about it. However, as soon as I said those words, he looks up and says “Oh, by the way, that’s my wife!” points to the woman in front of us. I must have had a look on my face that he repeated himself once again. Yes, that is my wife and I love her, he said this several times. He leaves me goes to the wife and behaves as I was the one who tried to pick up on him, makes gestures to her saying he was innocent in this and it was all me. I was in shock. Really? You pick me up with your wife being here, asking me out and trying to blame me. Wow, my jaw must have dropped to the floor but I quickly recovered and introduced myself. Of course, the wife was not happy but I put her at easy. I even pulled her out to dance with some of us girls.

I just found this so hilarious because some men just think they have balls but will not own up to what they are doing. I have had many things happen to me but this one is a first. It’s one for the books. I guess family events could be interesting after all.

For that moment…

8 Oct

I hate how once I see Alan I forget reality. Seeing him and spending the day together just laying there listening to music and enjoying each other unable to stop fucking/making love all in between is what we both need and want so desperately. There was hardy no words between us, both of us avoiding any serious conversations. I didn’t feel like talking I just wanted to enjoy the music and him; it had been a long time since I enjoyed a man like that. It’s so different each time between us, this time there was tenderness not so much of dominating me more of sweet tenderness, I think he knew I needed this. The way we kissed the way, the way we just touched, the way we held each other, the way we didn’t want to let go. I could feel myself falling into fantasy land.

When I first got there I told myself just enjoy the moment for what it is and I did. I keep telling myself I am just infatuated with him but how long does infatuation last? Years? That we are on own fantasy land but honesty, after years can it still be a fantasy? I have been with men where I escape all day or weekends to fuck but never as intense as this. Why is he so different? What is about him that I am willing to accept his faults and who his is, I never accepted anyone as I do him.

The way we started was like true lovers in love, there is no urgency, and it’s like time just stops for us. We didn’t need to speak for we spoke through our bodies, our looks, our touch’s, who knew what the other needed and I needed the slow kissing that turn into passion. The way he wrapped his arms around me making me desire him more, feeling the strength, security he brings, having the urge to want to be with him, wanting to having him deep inside of me, the urge to give myself to him completely. It’s like a fairy tale coming true with love that very few find. For those moments I am lost in his eyes seeing the love he has, everything around me just stops. He is my escape as I am his.

That is exactly what I am to him his escape of reality. Though reality does come first for those moments I am his to do what he wants and to enjoy the wiliness of someone who is willing to be submissive to him to meet his desires. He owns me at that moment and I am so willing to just be what he wants for I want it as well. Mentally, physically and emotionally at that moment we are perfect for each other. We both know what we want and need. We don’t need words for we both know what the other is thinking. For that moment we are in connection as we never been with another. I don’t question my heart, my senses for they all feel so right at that moment and I can see it in his eyes they feel right to him too.

It’s becoming more difficult to just walk away from it all at the end of our session. He does not want to leave and I don’t either but we both know that reality will be knocking once again. That is the hardest part right now knowing we can never be more than we are at that moment.

What made me, me….

3 Oct

This was written for another blogger and I lost communication, I hope he finds it… Sorry it took so long but I forgot I wrote this a while back.

I have been thinking of my shadows the ones that made me who I am. Anyone who knows me knows making commitments are the hardest for me. I guess I should start back when I was a kid. I was raised in domestic abuse environment. I remember when my father would hit my mother in his drunken rages. However, half of the time it was me who had the black eye during my teens. I would push my mother out of the way and I would take the punch. I also knew that I would receive money the next day. I guess you can say that is one of the main reasons I don’t take gifts from any of my lovers. I always felt that getting a gift from them would give them the right to walk all over me or treat me how they felt fit. I will never forget the last time my father hit my mother, actually, that night he send her to the hospital. It wasn’t that he hit her that pissed me off but the fact my mother lied to the paramedics. You have to understand I was used to the abuse but when my mother didn’t to speak up, she protected my father. She plain lied and said she fell. Yet, he was trying to rape her, I remember my brother coming to my room to get me so I could stop it from getting worse. I was the protector of the family, the only one who was not afraid to face evilness. I was the one who can control my father to a point plus I was the one who can take the punch and still be OK and smiling the next day. I guess you can say that is why my friends usually send me to help them out when their mates who get aggressive for I will be the one to go front and center and not afraid to address it. However, what made me really me and this is the hardest part was trust. See the same year that my father sent my mother to the hospital we find out he was having an affair. This woman was crazy, she called the house and told my brother what was happening, told my mother she left condoms in the car, told my mother where they been and even lied about being pregnant. So why am I a mistress now after seeing what my mother went through because it was easier then being in a affair then making a commitment. Till this day I wish my mother would have left him but she didn’t, and made his life a living hell 30 years later she hasn’t forgiven him completely. I did forgive my dad and understand why he did what he did. I know the abuse had lots to do with it but my mother didn’t pay attention to him. Many would think I am crazy but I believe my dad didn’t know any other way to express himself but this was the only way to get the attention he so much wanted from my mom. I believe that if my mother would have been more attentive and loving towards my father, he would have been a happier man. How can I say that when he abused her physically, what women would want a man who abuses her but it wasn’t till later that I realized my father was asking for my mother’s attention and that was the only way he knew how to get it. It still does not give him the right but I understand better. My father desperately wanted was her love, attention and she was not willing to give it up. I remember when my father would beg my mother for attention before he would get upset. He would beg her to spend time with him. He would beg her to give him a hug, a kiss any form of intimacy but all she did was make excuses and push him away. I remember telling my mother go spend time with my dad, she refused and would start an agrument. In a way I understood my mother too. Who would want to hug a man or make love to a man who abused you? This was wrong in all levels but I understand now that this was the only form my father knew. He never did lay hands on her since that day. However, he has had to pay a heavy price, a price I don’t wish on any one. I told her many times to go to counseling or divorce my dad. I didn’t know till recently my mother hated intimacy and never craved it or wanted it. I don’t blame my dad anymore for the affair for I understand why he did it, since I was put in that same position. Till this day I still tell my mom I don’t blame my dad if he found someone to be intimate with for she isn’t willing to give him what most of us crave and that’s intimacy. My mother was and still is a great mom, however, as a wife she needs help. I tried telling her but I think it’s too late for her, but she cannot blame my dad if he does seek the attention of another. Now they do go out once in a while and laugh, however, there is something still missing. I am realizing that is not what I want, I want what they weren’t able to accomplish by staying together. It also makes me realize why I let my ex husband mentally abuse me. (That’s another story)

Not understanding the concept between them both when I was young I became the one who treated men like toys. I think that is why I became the perfect lover for I did not need to get emotionally involved as long as I was physically being pleased. I was afraid that if I even let myself trust a man he would walk all over me. If I gave him my heart that I would end up being miserable like my parents. I didn’t see what it meant to be in a healthy relationship. I realize now the issues I have and understand where my commitment and trust issues come from. It’s the main reason I have this bond with Alan, he helped me understand and trust. I had many men who tried to get close to me but I always shut down and left before feelings would get involved. I closed myself up when it came to any kind of commitment now I welcome it. I am surprised with myself that I am willing to take that chance now. It’s a gift Alan gave me and I will always cherish. I know that my shadows have hunted me all my life but it took someone like Alan to make me realize that there are good men out there. I had to learn to trust myself before letting someone in and realize there will be pain when you are willing to give yourself a chance in love. Alan taught me to give myself completely.

I deserve respect!

2 Oct

I might be on fire right now and venting. Being a mistress is hard, we need to be understanding of the relationship, patience’s of the No calls/texts and respectful of the boundaries but I do deserve respect in return. So as you know I told Alan about me fucking F. However, I agreed to meet him this week and to let him know that I don’t appreciate that text and that he should understand that F and I are friends and will continue to be friends. I will choose who I want to be friends with or not. I think a foot massage might do it here. Yes, I use massages to have serious conversations especially if verbally it did not work.

I let him know that I would be available Friday or maybe Monday to meet. However, he really is pushing me to the point that I just might have to throw a fit which I don’t enjoy. I am not one to stay mad at someone for long periods at a time and I like to cut it in the bud. He was going to keep me posted about meeting Friday. So I go ahead and not make plans but being that I am a social butterfly and single. I am always busy on the weekends. I usually know what I am doing before Wednesday and honesty, sometimes even during the weekday, I am off hanging out somewhere. I know Alan is upset about F. So on Monday he tells me we might not meet on Friday because him and his wife might be leaving town on Wednesday, no problem. Tuesday he tells me, we might get a chance after all to meet Friday because it looks like there is a chance they are not leaving after all and he would let me know by Wednesday if Friday is a go. I tell him to let me know otherwise I am going to go ahead and make plans. So last night I go shopping and in a way waiting for his call or a text. No call came in. Really? No text, no call to confirm. I understand him being married and that his wife will come first but I think I deserve respect to. I think I deserve to know if I am calling out from work or not. Not that it would affect my plans for the weekend for I will always have something to do or hang out with besides after not receiving a call I went ahead and made plans. However, just because he is having an issue with F does not mean I don’t deserve to know ahead of time what my plans are with him. That is not too much to ask for especially since I give him the respect back. I always let him know when I am not available. Shouldn’t I get the same respect back especially since I don’t make demands. I told him once; I will never get tired of him but will get tired of the situation. And right now I am getting tired and once I get tired there is no returning back. I just don’t understand his issue and that if this is his way of telling me I am not worth it anymore. I could be making this a bigger deal but I just feel that since he found out about F there is a different vibe between us.

I feel that since he found out that he is in shock and might have lost respect for me and it’s not fair when last year he told me he was loyal and then cheated on me. He gave me an STD scare and yet, I feel terrible for telling him about F. Not once have I thrown that back at him or lost respect for him because once the door was closed it was closed. I shouldn’t, I shouldn’t feel like crap for telling him the truth. I am so upset with him. I just feel that because I didn’t tell him sooner and he knew I wanted to have a couple’s swap with F and his wife. Ok, maybe I was a little sneaking there but F was a good fuck and I just love his wife. I felt for my first couple they would have been an excellent choice. I understand why the wife wants to share his talents, that’s all I am saying about F. Yet, that does not give the right to disc me like he just did. I deserve so much more but most of all I deserve respect from Alan even though I am only his mistress, I know I am worth more than that. Not sure what got into him but if he thinks less of me then I am better off being calling up F and telling him I need to use the hall pass on Monday instead of wasting my time with someone who just does not care or give me the respect I deserve. Yet, I know that I will be there with Alan if he calls. I doubt I will hear from him any day soon. I just need to make sure that I not around when the call comes cause I really do not need to hang out with him Monday. I need to figure out how to get away from my evil drug otherwise, he will continue to treat me as I don’t matter. I know damn well, that I matter and deserve the respect but just need to be strong right now and not let my weakness fuck me up cause like it or not I might be a mistress but I got the pussy he wants.

So I write this and just when I am about to post it.. I get a text saying he is not available tomorrow cause he got’s lots of stuff to do and they didn’t leave… maybe I was over reacting but still I think I do deserve the respect of call to let me know that it was a No go… Not the day before.

Dont throw stones at me..

2 Oct

This was written on Monday, I just forgot to post it.

So I think I made a big mistake. I decided to be honest with Alan and told him about sleeping with this man (lets name him F) years ago and before I met Alan. I been hiding this for a long time, years as matter as fact. When I met Alan he was truly the first man I decide to keep on fucking. I was just touching the waters with my toes then. However, I met this man -F and I had totally forgotten we fucked. However, I don’t understand or why after one time thing, he would continue to want me. I don’t understand after years why he still thinks I would think of fucking him (F). I do like this man a lot and one reason I wont fuck him is cause honesty, he is married even though the wife has given him a hall pass to fuck me. His wife has made it clear I would be the perfect lover for her husband and that I can have him whenever I want. She has made it clear I am his fantasy and that I should enjoy her husband with her blessing. I just feel that he likes me to much and we have become friends. Don’t get me wrong nothing wrong with fucking a good friend if there is an understanding. However, Alan is very jealous of him because of that I stay away. Alan knows this man has been chasing me. Alan knows I like F and that I probably would be enjoying him if it wasn’t for the jealously part. F has always made me feel special and wanted. I always ask him why do you want to fuck me when we only did it once so long ago. He would be a good distraction if I needed it. However, I am not looking for distraction. I am looking for a relationship.

When Alan and I started to have feeling he got jealous of F. F did his advances but I just turned him down. Yet, he was a gentleman, very good charmer and I always enjoy his company when at the nudist camp. He makes me laugh and when we hang out it’s always so much fun. F is an amazing man in many ways, who has seen me all natural and thinks I am beautiful. He loves my “No” make up, my hair in a pony tail and bumpy ass. I always enjoy his company and the chase. If it wasn’t for Alan I probably would have taken the hall pass and used it several times. However, I told Alan about him and I, it was my only secret. I told him that it was before him and that I forgot. How do you forget? Easily I don’t think of the men I fucked I don’t replay it. I just go on with life and not think about it. Not that it hasn’t been incidents where a man will come up to me to remind me of what I don’t. Why tell him, I just didn’t want to hide anything. Alan got upset but I reminded him that he has fucked others during our relationship and that I understood.

However, this week has been terrible for both of us. The only text I get is “U fucked F”. Really, he fucked and cheated on me and I get treated like crap. I never once threw stones at him. Once I found out, he lied to me last year, I just healed and went on, not once throwing it out there. I just forgive and forget. I hate when people throw stones especially since they are not saints themselves. I am always telling my friends to never throw the past to the present. Once you learn, let go and go on. However, to throw me a stone makes me want to fuck F. I feel that it was un-call for. How can Alan be jealous of a man, whom has become my friend, who knows what’s going on in my life more than Alan does. So what if I fucked before meeting Alan. Really, Alan tells me its the fact that I hide it, yet, the answer is right in front of him. For Alan will be the type to throw stones. I made it clear if he would like it if I threw back just as hard. However, I am single so I am entitle to date and fuck who I want but I don’t. Why couldn’t I just keep my mouth shut? Why am I agreeing to meet Alan this week? Why am I letting this man just drive me nuts!!!!