Archive | November, 2014

Alone during the holidays…

19 Nov

Sometimes I wish I could write at night but I just cannot bring myself to do that, I did come close last night but just didn’t want to read my pathetic thoughts the next day. However, I was thinking about my turmoil’s and how hard it is to deal with. I am missing him so much and though I know that he is going through a lot, I cannot stop thinking of him. He asked to see me Monday because he needed to escape reality and I went flying. I let myself just disappear with him but it was an intense one since we hadn’t seen each other for a month. I tried to ignore his sweet words but they really stuck to me this time. I guess I trying to psych myself out by saying that they were said in the heat of passion and that as soon as we go back to reality they will disappear. I know I was just supposed to enjoy the moment but it’s hard especially since I am feeling real alone right now. It had been so long but I know that it’s hard to see him right now especially since right I know he has no time but for work and his wife. I lose myself with him but knowing that I might not get a call the next day makes me feel less of myself afterwards. Apparently his wife has been getting on his case as well especially since he went to his father’s to see him. I am not sure what is going on there but she is demanding not asking for him to make time for her which she has all rights to do exactly that but wondering why the change of heart. So I am stepping back and not pushing for the communication which is my choice but at the same time wishing he would. I am trying to be the friend I am supposed to be but I hate this time of season. We went to communicating every day to maybe once a week. In a way, it’s good for it pushes me to me others but the others are really not worth meeting.
I have three men right now that been chasing me since summer and since my daughter and BFF will be gone during the holidays I feel that right now that I should at least go out with them maybe they can entertain me during the holidays. The thing is I am not interested and that makes it hard for I don’t want to lead them on either. These men are good men and they all know about Alan but they just do not capture my interest.
I know that it has to do with comparing them but I just don’t feel it, there really isn’t a sexual spark or any spark. They make me laugh and I could just enjoy a conversation but my mind goes back to the one that owns my heart. I also feel guilty but I shouldn’t but I did make Alan a promise to tell him if I did decide to date someone but I can’t right now cause of his father, work and his wife. How can I add more to his stress when I know that he will not like it, so the guilt comes in of not telling him. I shouldn’t care either since he is married but I don’t know where the guilt is coming from before it wouldn’t have matter. I did tell him briefly about one of them and he got jealous so I can imagine that if I am considering dating one of them because I don’t want to be alone during the holidays will break his heart and I just can’t do that. So why should I even care what will happen to him, he does have a wife and he will have someone for the holidays. I don’t have anyone and that is by choice but for some reason the holidays will be hard this year I thought by now that I would get used to being alone but I guess I miss not having someone to come home to someone to just cuddle up and enjoy my evenings with instead of being home alone with nobody but the TV to keep me company.

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Dancing in the rain…

6 Nov

It was raining the other day and I did something I hadn’t done in a long time. I danced under the rain. It was perfect, the right song came out and this friend asked me to slow dance nobody else was dancing and before I knew it nobody was around expect for the DJ, this friend and me. It was perfect, the rain was coming down hard and you can see small waterfalls that would come down every time the tent couldn’t hold it up, it was beautiful. I hadn’t done this in a long time at that moment it felt good it was a part of my romantic side that I forgotten I had within me. It felt so good to be in his arms, listening to the rain hit the ground, it felt good to slow dance and be held close by someone, to let someone wrap their hands around you. I felt myself drifting and moving my hips to his, I allowed us to get molded together, and we were in sync. However, as I continued dancing I couldn’t look at him especially in the eyes for I was hoping that it was Alan, I knew I would be disappointed if it wasn’t so I let myself pretend. I would glance but not look, smile but I knew I was going into a trace, where I was lost in the moment. I was afraid he would see “love” in my eyes and I didn’t want to give him the wrong interpretation of our dance even though I was. I so wanted it to be Alan’s arms around me at that moment so he could enjoy it as much as I was. Dancing under the rain can be unbelievable that words cannot express how I felt at that moment. It’s a thought that I was dancing with another man that has haunted me since this weekend. I am not sure why I felt guilty there is no reason to feel terrible. I should have just enjoyed the dance completely but I couldn’t. I couldn’t let myself go completely it felt like I was cheating, isn’t that ridiculous. This man and I have seen each other before, we hang out once a week with mutual friends, I know he wants to sleep with me plus date me, he probably was surprised I even agreed to dance with him maybe that’s it I didn’t want to lead him on. However, we both know when alcohol and the perfect setting is involved we let our senses go. We were swaying our hips to the music, a very slow but seductive manner, I could feel a semi hard on, but I couldn’t enjoy it. I went ahead and imagined it was Alan so that’s when it got a little hot for I let this man hands roam and since I love dancing in the rain it was pretty arousing. I didn’t let his hands go too far but far enough that if it would have been Alan I would have gone for it. When I heard him whisper in my ear I imagined hearing Alan’s voice then I felt guilty again, really guilty. I wanted it to be Alan that afterwards I just left. I am not sure what made me leave maybe because I didn’t want to lead this man on, him thinking that we had a chance when in reality there never was one to begin with and it really it was a just dance, so why the guilt?