Archive | December, 2014

Emotionally getting F*cked up!!

10 Dec

Dealing with my grandmother’s death you would figure that the process would be a smooth one, you cry, you mourn, you cry, you make the arrangements, you cry, family comes in, you cry, you bury, you cry, everyone leaves, you cry, you cry some more, you start dealing with cleaning up her room, you cry some more, and any loose ends, you cry, you start learning to live without that person in your life. Why can’t, it be a smooth one but if I don’t write it all out I might really exploded. Otherwise, I will start telling everyone to go fuck off and this is not the time to do it. The only drama I allow is the one within me or in my blog but I avoid it in real life. I know that we all have ways dealing with grief. I understand really I do but right now I am being pushed in all directions emotionally and part of me just wants to go to sleep and wake up from this nightmare, and this is only the 3rd day. I knew my Grandmother was old and she lived her life, she lived a good one, but I never in my life thought my family could be so fucked up. They say I am cold-hearted, that I only care about myself, that I am selfish, that I am not there but I am at work hiding from them. It’s true I am hiding at work because this avoids any drama; this avoids me from telling everyone off. This way it avoids me getting into arguments and hating them more than I already do.

I cannot stand what they are doing. Nobody was close to my grandma like my daughter and I were. We have memories that nobody else will have. We saw her every day after school or work. My daughter could tell you stories of her. No other grandchild or great-grandchild can do or say this for they never took the time to spend time with her. My daughter would have long conversations even though she probably didn’t understand her but none of the other grandchildren had the time to sit down and just listen. My daughter made sure she ate, bathed her and made sure she was taken care of. If she missed a day visit my grandmother would ask about her and why she wasn’t visiting. They had a bond. However, what I cannot stand is what they are doing. My grandma passed away on Monday morning but by the afternoon my sister was already hitting her jewelry box, putting on her jewelry claiming what she wanted. I found a photo album and was looking at it and it was taken away from me because my sister said she was in charge of it, I saw nothing wrong in just looking. I cannot even go into her room but yet, my sister is already taking what she wanted. Yesterday, they had already cleaned out her room; really, she is not even buried. They threw out her stuff because they didn’t want anyone to go into the room. I don’t get it. I don’t fucken get it, how can you just go in there and put her stuff in trash bags choose what you want and decide who gets what. I can’t even walk into her room and see her stuff without breaking down. Yet, I am the one who is selfish and cold heart for I cannot stand to go through her stuff right now. I am in a fog and trying so hard to deal that I no longer will see her every day, her smile, her loving eyes, her talks that made no sense. I cry when nobody is around. I see my sister being all stable and feeling good maybe this is her way of grieving but honesty, she wasn’t there often. She didn’t allow her children to get too close to us. She started coming around in June. I have no opinion and not allowed to say anything for I get shot down. For my friends come first and love them more than her. Where’s my mother in all of this? My mother knows that what my sister is wrong but yet, she allows it. For my sister can never do anything wrong, she is the perfect daughter, yet, I am there every day making sure that everyone is good. My sister pushes people away from my mother and everyone knows it but my mother. My mother makes her look like a saint, yet, people who love my mother are seeing her true colors but nobody says anything for the fight would be one you lose. My father just lost his mother and he is in a daze but my sister felt the need to yell at him at the top of her lungs. Really? This cannot be normal or am I wrong to think that even though my father was NOT the greatest dad he deserves respect at this time of his life. He deserve to grief and seeing his mother’s stuff being throw out without really consulting if this is what he wants and being yelled at, could this be normal grieving process. Yet, if my father says anything then my mother will fight with him. I know we are all hurting but she was my grandmother, she was my father’s mother and my daughter’s great grandmother but we have no right to have an opinion. My sister is making it clear that this should be only about immediate family but my grandmother was loved by many. However, we are talking about relatives and close friends. Friends that have precious memories of my grandmother, who made sure when I wasn’t available (or my daughter), would make sure she ate, who spend time with her and consider her a grandmother. The few relatives that took the time to make sure she was ok are not even allowed, of course, I will not allow this and everyone who wants to give respect will be there. I might not have an opinion but I do have the right to tell everyone. Of course, I probably won’t be able to avoid that fight. I am not ready right now mentally but I will prepare myself for the drama.

However, it does not end there. I know I don’t mention my oldest daughter. I don’t care for her and buried her a long time ago. How do you bury a daughter who is alive, it was not easy and it took me a long time to heal. I never met my grandchildren and I haven’t spoke to her in years, I hear from her through my daughter but I do not make any move. I figure maybe in the future we can be civil but right now I do not want to be part of her drug life. However, my youngest does not understand why we don’t talk or why I rather her not be part of my life. So when you got a young daughter who is asking for you to talk to her sister with tears in her eyes, it breaks your heart, telling you that she feels alone and has no one and that her sister cannot stop crying cause she lost her great grandma. I unable to deal with this, this is not the time to ask for forgiveness when you know deep inside the pain is bigger than a simple word. That as soon as you allow her back she will do nothing but destroy everything around her and you, and will not care who it is in the process. I had to listen to her cry, had to listen how much she knows she hurt me, how much she wishes she could be part of my life but I couldn’t respond, I just couldn’t. It might make me look like a bad mother but I know that she is worse than her father and she will say or destroy someone even if it means her sister or me. I will give you an example, last time I allowed her back in my life. She got the family all worked up because she said my father was molesting her sister and me, she told several members. So you can imagine what would have happen next if I didn’t stop it, my daughter was not molested and neither was I. My father’s favorite granddaughter is my youngest, they have a bond and he is a better grandfather then he was a father so you can imagine what could have happened if I didn’t intercept and stop it on time. My oldest daughter was jealous of that bond and wanted to destroy it even if it meant my father going to jail. So yes, we are a fucked up family. My oldest daughter is evil and is so much like her father, that as long as she gets what she wants she will do and destroy everything in her pathway. I tried though but right now is not the time to allow her in my life for I got to deal with what is in front of me first.

Yet, I am wishing on a call that never came. I am holding myself by a string and need a shoulder to lean on; I need to hear his voice but that never came. I told Alan that my grandmother passed away. He distracted me and we were phone sexting while my sister was gaining control and looking at jewelry, I welcomed it. I needed my mind to be somewhere else and honestly, nothing better than some sexting to keep your mind occupied before I said something real bad to my family. Maybe it was my mistake by sexting him back but I was still in shock and just needed to forget where I was at. However, I thought even though in his busy schedule/season, that no matter how irritated or stress he is. He would think a phone call to check up on me would have been justified but I guess I am not entitled of that. I am being punched in the stomach in many different ways and yet, like always dealing with this alone. I just hate that I didn’t get the call that might have brighten my day just a little maybe enough to give me the strength for the next day. I hate that missing him is what is hurting, that right now that I need him I didn’t get that call. I know its only been one day and that most likely he will call today but maybe I am asking for too much, maybe I being demanding, maybe I deserve what I get. I just know that I must get up and go on with life and its punches I just hate that I missing that call, his voice and the comfort he brings me. I will be fine, this I know and maybe this will help me process that reality is he can never truly be here for me. I don’t have the strength to pull away and this is the time to do it for nobody will know my true tears are for, they will all think they belong to my grandmother completely. I guess I am a drama queen but it does hurt that he didn’t call especially right now that I need to hear his voice.



9 Dec

My grandmother died yesterday and I am lost for words.  She helped raised me since I was 3 years old, she was my second mom. I am in shock. I had to text Alan and let him know after 3 days of no communication I had to break my own rules.  I am lost. I feel I lost part of me. I know I shouldn’t have broken the communication but I needed him to know.  What does this mean I don’t know but for now he is just there in the back of my mind as I take care of what is in front of me.

I shouldn’t be expecting

5 Dec

Alan actually called me last night for some reason his voice always makes me melt but this time my tone must have been off cause I was fighting within myself not to let myself melt, I think he noticed it too. We didn’t talk about his text figure that should be done in person not over the phone or text when it’s important it needs to be in person. He was complaining about his schedule and how he didn’t have time for himself and did not know when he would have time or a day off. I just continued to listen, I had made a joke when we were arguing that when can we have make up sex. He asked me “So you want make up sex, what is make up sex is there a difference?” I tried explaining that make up sex is always good and that it’s different then your regular sex and we did it last year. Everyone should at least have make up sex once in their lifetime but then maybe he was pulling my leg here. He can be a joker, maybe he knew that I was bothered. Though I wasn’t in a joking mood last night my usual carefree way and I think he noticed it. I even hung up quicker than usual I just wasn’t ready to hear his voice and figured he would text me a few more days but I guess he knows he fucked up or he just doesn’t care and figures I will be accepting or maybe he just wanted to hear my voice. However, that was a big bomb(text) blasted me to confusion land.

He was trying to squeeze in a visit on Monday, really squeeze me in, I don’t think so. Yeah, I calling it a visit however, after him telling me about his busy schedule, that he will not have any more days off and him making me feel that I would be more of a hassle to squeeze in I just declined not that I was asking him to see me before I would have taken that moment but not anymore or just right now. I told him to take care of himself first, take care of his personal needs and we would talk later. I am not making any decisions right now but trying to gather my feelings together. I just need to get through the holidays. I know he loves me, I know that losing me will hurt him as much as me. We both have broken so many rules but even if our souls are connected it was not at the right time period.

I know that I started expecting from him and maybe the distance will make it better for me, make me stronger though I know I will miss him like nobody’s business. I know that I want to see him, feel him, lose myself with him but I am also hurting right now I need to figure it out and how to deal with not expecting anything from him so maybe he won’t be expecting from me. I know that I let myself go somewhere I wasn’t supposed too. When did this happen? I do believe he is my soul mate but also know that it’s not in this lifetime maybe in another. I usually don’t expect anything from no one but my kids. However, somehow I crossed the line with expecting with him. I expected him to text me, I expected for him to call me daily, I expected that he would make time for me. I expected him to understand that I will be going out. All that expecting is not good especially since our situation is one that will lead only to heart break when the time comes. I know we both have tried to pull distance between us but we never seem to make the final leap. However, we cannot let each other go are emotional connection is one that is unique in many ways but at the same time I try to keep myself insane. I never in my life thought I could feel what I do with him but the pain that comes with this is unbearable. I even asked him once if I found someone will he continue to be my friend and he said yes but honestly, he would not be able to handle it. He just proved that to me. I also know that if he was not married he would be perfect man for me. However, I refuse to even allow myself to believe there is a future for us. I never want him to leave his wife for me.

I know that he has changed me more than I expected. I could tell you some stories of my sexual adventures that I have been in, which I have been thinking about writing maybe it will help me get my grove back but this blog is about me trying to date while in love with married man. It’s about keeping myself real and not forgetting that what Alan and I have is temporary. Is about me not falling in a trap that will destroy me at the end. I could tell you, how I still talk to my ex-lovers till this day even though we haven’t been together for years, they are still hoping for a another chance with me, yet, I am not interested. I know that all I have to do is pick up the phone they will come especially when I feel lonely. Yet, I don’t because I lost interest in fucking for fun. I really lost interest in fucking just anything that has a dick. For example this week, I met a man at my usual waterhole, we had a great talk, laughed, drank and made me forget a little of Alan not completely cause he was in the back of my mind usually if I have a lover that pisses me off I would have fucked this man with no second thoughts but when he asked if I wanted to go somewhere private I just declined him and told him not interested.

When did I change, did I grow up? Or, is my feelings for Alan stopping me from enjoying that part of me that enjoyed blowing a guy or fucking him in a dark corner. I have calmed down so much that even my friend is proud of me for not being such a slut, which for me it wasn’t about being a slut but fulfilling my needs. Yet, I know what I am looking for is what I have with Alan but better for this person will not only have me part time but full time. Not just a one night adventure or a casual encounter for a couple of weeks but something meaningful something that will be as intense as I am with Alan but better. Someone who will make me realize that what I have with Alan was a stepping stone to the real thing but then I ask myself, what if this is as real as it gets…..

You shouldn’t ask for the impossible

4 Dec

I am not sure what is happening but I have noticed so many changes this year with Alan and I, which I will write more about later.

Alan texted once more yesterday and that is a major change for him before we would have gone days without communication. I guess after five years he finally got the message that I hate when he gets upset and ignores me. He could have waited a week but this time he didn’t, this time it was quicker. Quicker then I thought. Yet, I wish he would have waited for he dropped a huge bomb on me. Now I understand why he was so upset and hurt with me going to a single meet up. He made me feel terrible for going. He made me feel guilty. I cried myself to sleep wondering why all of suddenly he hated it and what I did wrong though I knew deep inside I had the right to go out and find someone. He did accept that he wishes he had more time with me and that he was more attentive but his job keeps him busy this time of season and so does his wife. I knew he was jealous but I thought because I was enjoying my life and not stuck in a sexless marriage. I am still reviewing my texts from yesterday and I asked him straight forward what he wanted from me, Yes, I asked dumb, dumb question on my part because it was not the answer I was expecting. I honestly, did not think he would say what he but he did. He said it something that we all knew but I still gave him the benefit of the doubt because even though I knew it deep inside I had the feeling but it was never said so it couldn’t be true. You guys are not going to like it and I know I am not sure what to say or do.

Alan does not want me to go seek others. He does not want me to want to date others. He does not want me to find someone else. He wants me to be more understanding and patient but wait for him on the sidelines.

I know that I am single in love with a man who is married yet, hoping to find someone of my own. I am shock he has never said it so straight forward. He always was able to handle it with me going out, meeting men or dancing with others. Not even a couple of weeks ago when I danced under the rain did this bother him but all of suddenly to straight forward ask me not to look, I am lost for words. I guess now I will by lying to the man I love maybe it is the new thing to do after all. However, a married man has no right to ask his lover not to go find love somewhere else when he is not capable of giving it completely himself. I knew deep inside he didn’t want me to find someone but him not saying it made it OK. Not long ago he even dreamed of me finding someone and that they were accepting of him. He has also told me that he wanted me to find someone and have what he does, of course, in the back of my mind I always said, No, I want better than that. Why the change, why ask something that wouldn’t be fair to me, is his marriage starting to really get bad, is there something going on in his home. I refuse to believe he is getting ready to leave his marriage and that he will come to me. I refuse to give myself hope when in reality he never promised me anything. As much as I wish I could do this I know that it’s not the right thing to do because at the end it will be my lost. I know that our relationship has evolved and that it’s been very intense once I accepted that he could be the one for me but at the same time the side of me knows that this would not be a healthy thing to do. I know he has given me hints here and there but to expect me not to seek love. I do want this man and I been dealing with my own turmoil’s but at the same time I knew I still had to go out there. I even read about “Affair Fog” and wondering if it could last this long if there is more to us which I believe to be true but at the same time I knew that I cannot be waiting on the sidelines for at the end I will lose but to want this from me is selfish. Could reality have hit him, scared him, worried him that the possibility of me finding someone could be real. I am so screwed up emotionally right now. I did tell him that I only wanted him which is true and I also know that I cannot live without him but I never agreed to stop looking somehow I just avoided saying it back. I don’t think I am capable of promising something that might be impossible to avoid. Why the change of heart? Why ask me for the impossible? Are more changes coming? Could there be a possibility? I am just hoping I get through the holidays this year with no more drama. That is basically all I can do right now and hope that next year will bring me what I deserve.

He texted …

3 Dec

Alan surprised me that he texted me yesterday after posting my post. I truly was thinking he would wait longer. Not that it matters he claims I threw a curve ball at him and he felt that I was being un loyal. That he has been loyal to me and he let his emotions get involved, what about me, don’t I have my emotions in this too. He says all he thinks is what I have told him before that it’s hard to find someone who is willing to be in an open relationship and if I did find someone it would be over between us. Which is true but I said that a while back and I been telling him that it’s hard to find someone when my heart belongs to him. This is my turmoil, my turmoil because I can’t go forward yet I don’t want to go backwards either. However, I told him if I did find someone it would have to be one FUCKEN AMAZING MAN because he is irreplaceable. How can he easily forget that? How can he forget I am single and alone and missing what he has?

On my way to work I was thinking how in the beginning of the year I would go to these single events and he never got upset, what’s the difference now? Doesn’t he realize a connection like we have would be difficult to replace even when I poured out my heart out to him, he didn’t see anything but that I went out looking.

Probably our last texts to each other for a while, I didn’t want to post all of them but here is a summary…

Alan: It is based on what you have told me in the past about when you find someone and suddenly without warning you go looking. I did nothing but work. I just shouldn’t have let my emotions become involved or exposed.

Me: How do you think I feel Alan… I gave you a part of me and you disregard me as nothing as I don’t matter. How many times I have told you that I not looking that I am happy.. Yes, I went but I knew deep inside it was a stupid move on my part. Yet what hurts more is I gave you a piece nobody has ever had.. I let my guard down and now I am paying the price.

Alan: No it is me that is paying the price. I did nothing but be loyal. You are the one that became un loyal by seeking out someone else and then say you should have lied.

Me: My loyalty to you is what keeps me from finding anyone because my heart belongs to you… and you should know that.. you should believe in us.. I knew that the moment I said it… Yes, I should have lied because look what’s happening to us… but I couldn’t why because I love you… but it doesn’t matter now…

Alan: No lying is worst thing and that is why I am upset cuz I felt you lied when you suddenly decided to go look for someone and then say you should have lied. Gotto go…

Me: I am upset and hurt more

How could I have lie when I always told him that it will happen one day, I will find someone, doesn’t he understand that last week was hard for me that I am feeling lonely and that I missed him, his damn text that maybe if he would have made an effort I wouldn’t felt that it’s time for me because like it or not he can’t give me what I want. Yet, I telling him that I love him that my heart belongs to him but all he can say is that he is upset that I am looking for someone. My friend says I should have just lied, that I caused this drama, maybe she is right but I don’t believe in lying to your partner whom you love that honestly as painful as it could be is the best. Isn’t lying in a relationship that drives us apart, am I fucken wrong here. Is this the new thing to do in a relationship to lie to each other?

I just don’t understand why the change why it bothered him when in the beginning of the year he knew I was going to these events. Doesn’t he know that he has changed me as well, that I no longer take up sexual offers anymore that I say no because each of them will not compare to him because what I want now is a meanful relationship. That I am really not looking that every time I go out I decline offers. Yet, he didn’t tell me he loved me back. I am trying so hard to be strong and not to let myself cry but I am lonely and I just wanted to see even though I knew that deep inside me that I wouldn’t find someone especially anyone over 65 plus. I felt like I did something wrong and there is no way to fix it even when I told him I loved him, he only saw what he wanted.

Deceptive and not understanding….

2 Dec

I have been thinking real hard about his words… Not understanding but deceptive… I have been trying to figure out why he would say those words to me. Is it because I didn’t mention the text till two days later because I did not want to upset him when he is busy? Because I understood, I did not want to rock his boat I knew he was busy and stress, and did not want to add more to his plate. So I just listen but when he straight off asked me what I was doing that night I told him I was planning on opening my door a little wider because him not texting actually helped me realize what I needed so I was going to attend a single meet up in hopes to meet someone interesting, yet, it does not mean I was going to start a relationship but if he remembers which clearly he’s forgotten I am looking for someone who is willing to be in an open relationship and willing to accept him. I been trying to rack my brain and thinking maybe because I have not mention it or reminded him that eventually it could be happen, that I will find someone. Or is it because I do remember telling him I don’t want anyone else but him, that’s true but that does not mean I will be a mistress for the rest of my life, maybe I should have clarified that. Maybe I should have reminded him that even though I don’t want anyone else but him, it only means it makes it harder to find someone else that could capture my interest. Yet, I do wonder if he has even thinks of me.

He says “Maybe in a future date he will clarify”, are those words saying to me that if he changes his tune we might talk again. I know I am reading too much into it plus I also know he can’t let go of me that easily, that I have the power not him. Maybe – could be a very powerful word to use in a text it could me that’s the end of us or possibility of meeting again. Right now I just have to let go but those words are powerful and it hurts to think that he would consider me “deceptive/not understanding” or “Maybe in the future” when in reality he is the one being deceptive to his wife. In reality he is the one that probably told his wife, I meant nothing to him, that he was just lost and wanted her, that he truly loves her, tells her he has no communication with me. Yet, turns around and tells me, I am the perfect lover the one he wants and loves, can’t be without. Yet, I am deceptive in this relationship because I want to have a man who will belong to me, yet willing to accept him.

I not even sure why I letting this bother me but it is, I guess I just never thought he would take me for granted and expected me to be a mistress till he is done with me. He probably will claim that I hurt him but letting my door open up a little more. I just cannot let my heart be manipulated into believing it was me that cause the pain when in reality I am doing what is right for me. I am just glad I won’t be the one texting first or calling him for I do understand he has a wife and I know me, I won’t make the first move because I understand and will respect my boundaries. It might hurt like a bitch, it’s already hurting it’s been three days since I last heard his voice and it’s killing me but I just have to realize I was not in the wrong and need to stand my ground even if it means crying myself to sleep. I might be over dramatic right but I do feel like I have been punched in the stomach to think the man I love thinks of me this way and is behaving like a child without trying to contact me. That’s the part that hurts the most that he hasn’t even tried to contact me, that he hasn’t even apologized for what he has said and believes he is right. I guess that’s the bottom line he hasn’t contacted me because he is going on with his life without being deceptive and being understanding and it’s bothering me but also killing me a little at a time.

Maybe lying is better then telling the truth

1 Dec

It’s been hard to write down my feeling down with everything that is going on that I am not even sure where to start. Usually when I get home or on vacation I try to stay away from any social media, especially blogging so I do need lots to catch up on. Though there was a few times I felt like writing, which I am thinking I should now but don’t allow myself for fear for reading it the next day and thinking how stupid can I been for allowing someone to tamper with my emotions.

Alan is upset with me but I feel that I am not in the wrong and will stick to my guns. I haven’t done anything but be patient and understanding. However, On Thanksgiving I did not receive a text or call wishing me Happy Thanksgiving, it’s the first time in five years he has done this. I have ex’s lover texting me, friends and people whom I did not expect texting me wishing happy holidays. However, the one person who I needed from didn’t since I can’t really text him because I don’t know if his wife is there with him or not, I won’t do it. However, like prior years I wait and then I respond. I know that he is overwhelmed and busy but it does not take more than a second to let the other person know you are thinking of them, this made me think especially since all I did was go out the whole week. I have been missing him greatly and wanted to keep myself busy, since I hadn’t heard from him the day before I was really looking forward to his text.

I didn’t want to stay home alone so every night expect for thanksgiving I was out. I went to dinners by myself, shopping alone, I have friends but they were all working, I went to my local waterhole and just thinking it’s time for me to open my doors a little wide maybe just maybe I will allow someone in. I know I said it before and sound like a broken record player but I am really missed not having a companion. I know the holidays have lots to do with it but I found out I will be having a procedure done this Christmas vacation so I guess I letting the loneliness get to me. I am fine being alone but I must admit, I miss just having someone to help me out and keep me company. I miss having someone to come home too, someone to laugh with, and someone to cuddle with, someone to cook or just talk to. I asked my daughter to end her vacation a little early so she can take care of me. It’s no biggie but enough from me to be grounded and not able to leaving on a cruise. I hate that I will be laid up and it bothers me that I will not be unable to do much, knowing me I will be up and running around after a few days but I feel I shouldn’t make my daughter responsible in taking care of me.

Another reason for my loneliness this passed week I was seeing many couples that look like they are in love, if I was with friends I was the third wheel, even for my Thanksgiving dinner I was the only single one there, so yes, I was having a self pity party big time. So I decided to go to another single meet up group and I let Alan know that I will be attending that it’s time for me to open my door a little wider and that since he didn’t text or call that I was not upset with him but at myself for expecting it, however, it did influence my decision. In the middle of my conversation he hung up on me… Yes, he hung up on me… I was really upset especially since I was being honest with him. This is where I need to decide lying might be better than actually telling someone the truth? That’s the part I don’t understand why people rather be lied to then accepting the truth. He said I was not understanding of him being busy, that he only had a few hours with his family and deceptive because I am letting something so little influence my decision, he didn’t want to hear that I am tired of being alone and spending holidays with friends is not satisfying me. However, I truly believe that if a man is interested he will make the effort and it’s time for me to find someone especially since he can’t make the effort. Maybe I was a little deceptive and acting like it was no big deal but it was to me and I couldn’t hold it back in, and spoke my mind. I don’t think it’s much to ask for a text from the one who says he is in love with you. I felt he has someone for the holidays to please while I must please myself. He is married and I am not, he has someone to come home too, I don’t. He has someone to take out to dinners with, spend time with while I go out and spend time with myself or friends. He has someone for the holidays while I got myself. It’s time to stop playing match maker for everyone else and it’s time for me to go out there and stop going to bars and actually attend more of these events.

Not that I need to since I do have men who want to date me, but none of them spark an interest in me, and the last one was a doozie (which was last week). He wanted me to buy him drinks instead of offering me a drink. He actually went looking for me till he found me and once I decided to give him a chance before the end of the week (after three encounters), I realized he wanted a bar mate not a companion and was a lair. He made up stories and even made me feel that there was negativity when in reality there was none but it was his way of trying to get closer to me. He thought hanging out at bar was actual dates, really?? Little does he know that I just won’t pay for a man not unless he is my friend and I have known them for years and I probably get laid more than he does and I don’t need to lie. I also had another friend in front of his girlfriend say he had a crush on me. I almost choked up my drink. How could you say that in front of your girl twice not once, twice, really? I just laughed it off and said he was drunk and being sarcastic. So figured I need to start attending more single meet ups and maybe I will find a decent man.

However, Alan’s actions are very disturbing to me and I feel that I haven’t done anything wrong but admit it’s time to open my door just a little wider and not to expect anything from him. I don’t know when I will hear from him since he is upset and I won’t call or text to make sure he is ok. I just don’t know if this has open doors for him as well in finding a new lover but I guess it’s a chance I will take and not my business anyways though it might hurt if he did. I am truly upset with him it makes me feel that he does not want me to find someone of my own and that’s not right. I did receive a text saying that He is hoping I found someone and that maybe in the future he will explain why I am deceptive and not understanding, what kind of text is that. How can a married man be so selfish in saying this to a woman who deserves so much more? It only shows me that in reality he just wants me to not find someone and to always be available for him. I love him I really do but this kind of love is not healthy but I also know that finding someone will take time. It will be hard find a connection like him and I have, but I am willing to take that chance. What’s funny I have always told him I will find someone but taking my time so what difference does it make that I went to a single meet up group. Little does he know that this single meet up I only stayed for an hour and left cause everyone there was 65 plus. I felt like everyone thought I was a gold digger so after one drink I ran out of there. I did look good, and didn’t want to waste my outfit and went to my waterhole (yes, overdressed) even had a great comment from one of my male friends that I did look beautiful and was enjoying my look, told him thank you, I do clean up well. I didn’t want to go home early and I actually didn’t get home till 4 in the morning cause we went out for breakfast. We are good friends especially after I sucked his dick a few years back so no need to think this will go any further (it was once and fun) but it was nice to have breakfast date so late at night or early morning. The sad part is I do miss Alan lots but I guess I will keep that feeling to myself because right now not sure where I stand or what our next move will be. I know it’s not over but it sure as hell hurts right now that I can’t be honest to the one man who holds my heart and that I am being treated as I am in the wrong. I don’t think I expect much from him but if he truly loved me he would not behave as poorly making me feel bad for going out there and opening my door just a little wider. It will be interesting to see how long he will wait to call me or how I will react maybe I just won’t answer this time, heaven knows but I must not let the best part of me react and just let time figure itself out.