Archive | January, 2015

With all this shit going on I am planning….

30 Jan

of having a threesome on Monday. I am excited it will be the second one in about a year that I am doing this. I love the idea of having a third guy especially since I know it will pleasing me but at the same time bring all of us pleasure. What I love is that Alan and him do not touch and its all about touching me and exploring my sexual needs. I keep telling myself I must be going crazy to be thinking about having a threesome with a married man (again) but with no luck of finding a single one who is willing to have an open mind or relationship about having our sexual needs met exploring with others as well as each other, its difficult not to want to give Alan our fantasy because he wants it as much as I do. Alan’ needs is to be able to open me up sexually and let me explore with no judgment. I feel that’s what makes it so much more exciting and a stronger emotional connection to each other.

I am feeling different this time because he will not be able to spend the night with me so I guess I will deal with the after effect by myself. I think that’s that part I am having my doubts in. I feel that I should be exploring someone who truly belongs to me someone I can reminisce about our sexual adventures afterwards, days, months. I hate that I can not find one who is willing and accepting of my slutty ways. Having this threesome will bring us(Alan and I) closer and I will love him more for letting me explore my sexual side so I know that doing this will also damage me more for others. Yet, I want this I need this at this time and point in my life.

With everything going on in my life, you would figure I wouldn’t want this right now but I need it right now, I feel like I am losing my identity of what makes me, me! I feel that I am fighting a losing battle, I am afraid that I will losing my sexual identity just to deal (will post about this) with the family because they can not understand why I must go out, why I must enjoy sex, why I can not stay home for the next bomb to hit, why being independent and enjoying life is so much better then being miserable at home. So this threesome will bring part of me back, a part of me that makes me, Me! The true me, the fun me, the part that does not give a shit what other’s think of me but what makes me happy and strong in the long run. Who enjoys being a slut during crisis and dealing with it right afterwards instead of arguing with everyone to see your way. I know this will bring me back some power even though it does not make sense but fucking two men, being the submissive will give me the strength in the long run and show me my way back to what I always fought for and that’s ME!

A quick summary…

22 Jan

I know I haven’t blogged but here’s a quick up date.

1. After my grandmothers death the drama just went into over load. My grandmother’s death was very hard on me more than I expected, I was afraid to go into depression but thank God, he gave me the strength I need. I am no longer speaking to my sister or brother in law as well as her kids. She basically said that she was done with the family but what hurts more is seeing my mother go into depression. My sister was my mom’s favorite and I didn’t mind. In a way my mom paying attention to her made my life so much easier to hide and enjoy. Now I am the focus and to trying to unfocused someone who is going into depression is hard for I feel that I am being a terrible daughter because I do not want to hang out with her every day. I need to get laid and being with my mother’s house every day is cramping up my style.

2.During this time I have been looking for a new place to live and its driving me crazy that my mother is going into depression and I cannot live in the city I been wanting to live since I can remember. I am afraid if I move to far this might send my mom to serious depression. She is latching on to me and its driving me crazy for I do not want my mother to depend on me since she already does for many things. I tried telling her to go join the church members for tea. She does not understand that my views are not that of a good catholic girl. I told her go look make friends that have things common with her since I don’t. I am pulling away but the guilt just rises for she is my mother who gave me life. However, I am too young to give up my life.

3. My niece moved in with me. Just when I thought I will be living alone my plans of what kind of home I am looking for changed. However, I know I am good in hiding my personal life from my daughter but how the hell do I hide it from my niece. I know it shouldn’t be hard but she is older and she is not as naïve as my daughter. I really shouldn’t be freaked out about this; if I was able to hide my whoring ways with my ex I should be able to hide it from her.

4. Alan has been good. I was surprised he came through during my grandmother’s funeral. However, I am dealing with insecurity of his ex-lover looking for him. I hate that this is the woman that he cheated on me with. She is texting him pictures of her naked body and asking if he is interested (supposedly, he told her no). I am glad he told me but WTF, I thought he told her not to contact him and yet after 18 months, she is back. He claims he is not interested but we all know those insecurities. I am trying not to become the PYSCHO lover. Yet, dealing with emotions that are very new to me is making me lose my balance even more. Don’t even know how I am staying calm though this because I sure as hell don’t want too. My pondering question: How the hell do you believe that he won’t when he cheats on his wife with me? (There will be a post about this)

5. Isn’t there any decent man out there? I swear what happen to the gentlemen out there. I had many men ask me out but for some reason none of them interest me. Yet, when I decline them they turn weird on me. I feel like I am cheating on Alan when in reality I am not. I am also tired of them thinking all I want is sex when in reality there is more to me than that. Ok. Maybe sex is a huge part of me.

6. I am still going out though but I think I am drinking too much for I am hiding my emotions behind a bottle. I am tired of trying to keep myself in control when in reality I just want to go crazy. I just got to find my balance and maybe once I find a new place I can get my control back.

However, I truly believe there will be many changes this year and I have to believe it will all be good even though right now I don’t have my balance and feel like life is taking over, I will believe that these changes will all be good.

Life’s been hard..

16 Jan

Sorry, I haven’t had time to write but I am still alive. I just been going through so many change after my grandmothers death that I am still trying to figure it all out. I am not even sure where I would or could start expect that I am still trying to keep the little joy in me that seems to be tested right now. I keep on smiling, still going out, still meeting people but my life must have taken so many twists right now that it been difficult. In the middle of it all I must move and not even sure where I am going but even that has been difficult with the changes. I know this year will be better with all of these changes but it sure does not feel like it right now.

2014 in review

12 Jan

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A New York City subway train holds 1,200 people. This blog was viewed about 8,100 times in 2014. If it were a NYC subway train, it would take about 7 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.