Archive | March, 2015

Five minute calls

17 Mar

Started Monday

It’s funny how many men I met this weekend and the one I chose to hump and dry on the dance floor is married one. I was upset and I was letting it out on the floor. Yet, it was more of a power trip thing with me without Alan actually know it, only because he couldn’t give me my five minute, I know he does not have to, so I wanted to prove to myself that I could actually find someone for sex, yet, I didn’t act on it. I kept thinking of Alan and how he tries to dominate me but is unable to. He says I am a challenge that I will not do what he wants but then how can he, when if we are lucky will talk about 5 minutes a day or every other day, Ok maybe 6 minutes. How can one dominate the other if you are not there for the rest of the time? Don’t get me wrong when he is horny and he is able to text he will. However, since the last incident the texting has gone down to practically nothing and when that happens I start thinking. I know that he gets irritated that I go out and especially alone but if you are doing to try to dominate me you need to be at my side otherwise I will push my limits. Just like a brat I will behave as one and see how far I will overstep my boundaries but then I started thinking I don’t really have any boundaries. I am single and available. I don’t have someone standing behind me telling everyone I belong to them. I didn’t tell Alan anything, expect little parts here and there about my night, but honesty what can you really say in five minutes. I didn’t tell him I was dancing the night away with a married man and that I had a couple whom I could have had sex with as well. I just enjoyed it for what it was and I had a blast but then it got me thinking.

Married men who wants to dominate their lover, how can they meet all of their needs if there is no actually time to even spend together or they are part time lovers? Or maybe, its only Alan who has no time. I know that I tried dating sites and have had men who tried to dominate over emails and I just laugh. I also thank God from other bloggers that have helped me really know, how a really gentleman is supposed to behave especially since I am new entering this. I know for a very long time that I need someone stronger than me but at the same time I need consistent supervision. He actually told a couple that he is not my dom that I was submissive so in a way he opened my eyes and gave me away all at once. In a way he is right, he can’t really dominate me outside the bedroom and I will not let a five minute call control me either. I need so much more and these are the changes he will not like. He knows that I am not closing my door but then I was thinking, how is Alan going to react when I do meet that special person who will not only dominate me in the bedroom but outside as well. Will there be power struggle here between them both. Will Alan be able to handle it if I met someone who will dominate me and teach me not to push my limits in a degree of misbehavior? I told him many times that I am looking for someone stronger than me, someone who will be able to control me, someone who will be possessive of me who will allow me to grow yet, stop my behavior. I don’t need someone to take over my life but someone who will guide me.

Present…

Sometimes I wonder if Alan has ESP, I know that I been missing him and when this happens I usually start wondering why do I even stay. I hate missing him so much and I know that I need to keep on going. I keep telling myself that he is not the one for me even though I can feel he is. I fight those feelings for I do not want to end up being his lover for years to come for something that will never truly satisfy me. However, Last night he texted me, I was surprised and thought he was at work and figured he would just call me on the way home. I guess he was off and at home. We sexted for a little while but I wasn’t really feeling it since I been thinking that I am no longer happy with five minute calls, seeing him every few weeks especially once I move there will be no way of me to be able to masturbate (no privacy for several weeks) and I don’t think I can handle being celibate for a several weeks and knowing I have a lover that will not be available for my needs. I was thinking how a man expects a woman to just wait for a call that might not come or expect her not to find someone who will give her what she needs. I was wondering doesn’t he wonder that because he can’t give me the attention somebody else will. Does he really have that much confidence that what we have will out weight the fact that I need more than a part time lover that because I am missing him also makes me wonder, ache to have someone of my own. I don’t expect him to leave his wife. I always will stand behind that and reality is he will never be able to give me what I want but when we were sexting. We were talking about our connection and why he wants to share me with others and yet, I was not thrilled for the last time we spend time together (3 weeks on Sunday) is when we did that couple and honesty, I do not like dealing with the after. Not having someone to share those moments with me to relive them actually I am losing interest in doing them with him only because I want that intimacy of being able to relive it with someone who is actually in my bed and not a five minute call.

He uses the word irreplaceable that what we have is irreplaceable and he probably right but it can be replaced with something better more satisfying to my needs. I do understand that this connection that I have with him will be hard to replace but it can be replaced. Irreplaceable is a very strong word, which I truly believe that Alan and I have, will make it difficult to find another. However, in my circumstance I am single and willing to have someone of my own so how can that word really fit in with him and I when eventually he will be replaced with someone who can truly give me what I need. I know that I am missing him and that this is where I need to be strong and realize that I must keep on looking but it sucks when you are in love with someone who can never be yours.

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I admire him…

13 Mar

So I have a friend who is married and also in affair. I admire this man. He has been with me in some of my lows and highs. He keeps my feet planted on the ground especially when Alan can sweet talk me into believing him. He keeps making sure I go out and not put all my eggs in one basket. However, my friend got caught doing his lover’s taxes. I felt so bad for him, yet, I admire him for being honest with his wife. He didn’t deny the lover. He didn’t say he would stop talking to her. He didn’t say he would end the relationship actually he was ready to leave the marriage if the wife would have requested this of him. It’s the first time I seen a side of him where he is selfish. I never have seen this side of him. He is always willing to give so much of himself. He is the type that if you need help he is there. He feels bad that his wife walked in on him while doing this for his lover. He feels like he is stupid because he knows he shouldn’t have let his guard down but his lover needed him. However, he always treats his wife like a queen and will give her romance even though the wife does not give it back. I cannot tell you how many times he has said that if it wasn’t for the sexless relationship he would be happy with his wife. He admits that he hates bringing her pain but at the same time he needs to stay for his children and because she is a good woman, sweet and loving. He knows that the wife does not deserve this but he also knows he deserves the intimacy. However, he is the first man I know that will not belittle the lover. He will not say that it was a meaningless relationship but one that he cherishes. He claims he loves both his wife and his lover but that he will not choose or be forced to choose. He claims he did not sign up to be in a sexless marriage and that he should have the right to have a lover to keep his balance. He claims that he will never say that his lover means the world to him and that he truly feels that this is a true love affair for this would hurt his wife but he will not lie about it if it came down to it. He claims he does make it up to his wife anyway he can. This I know for I seen him work real hard to keep the wife happy for example, for her birthday/Valentine’s day: He got rose petals and spread them around the house, got 4 dozen and roses and put them in different place, cooked her dinner, made sure that when she came home that there was a glass of wine waiting for her, candles were lite, told her that he was here to her to cater to her needs. So you imagine he was disappointed that after everything he did, there was still no intimacy. They have tried marriage counseling as well as family counseling.

I asked him if the roles were reversed what he would do and he straight off said I would kick her out. I was shocked with this reply. He claims he would not tolerate it and that he knows he is lucky that his wife will not push the issue about him leaving the lover because he would have packed up and left. I told him it’s not fair to her but he claims she knows I treat her and give her anything she wants but that one major and one obstacle that is stopping me from seeking this other woman is my wife will not give me the intimacy. He claims he will love his wife till old age. He will give his life to her. Wife even said that she knows that she does not seek him out and that it must be hard for him not to have sex. So at the end, it’s an understanding, between them both he hides the lover and she will not seek to see if he is still cheating behind her back. He hasn’t slowed down either. He continues the same routine that he did last week before the wife walk in. I asked him doesn’t she check your phone or anything and he claims no she won’t because than she will be confronted with it, she will need to act on it and it’s best to ignore. He claims he loves his wife and the lover but will not choose either.

It just makes me wonder now days are women just tolerating this more and more. I mean look at Alan wife, she knows but tolerates it. However, with Alan he slows it down with me. He will actually make sure that I don’t reply to his texts or will go days without hearing from him. I wonder why I even tolerate this behavior. He has told his wife that he has ended with me and that I meant nothing to him. He was the typical husband who got caught finding ways to make it look it it’s the lovers fault not his. So now I am wondering could this be a true love affair with my friend’s and his lover that he is willing to walk away from his marriage if need be or could it be fear of the unknown. I see how sad it could be that he can never offer this woman anything but a part time love affair. At the end it will destroy him for just like me this lover is looking for someone of her own, someone that she can truly give herself to.

The 4some encounter issues…

2 Mar

I had a lot of issues this past weekend. I realized I was jealous of the Latino couple. I felt threaten and didn’t want to deceive them. This brought out a lot of emotions out of me and made it clear to Alan that I couldn’t believe he wanted me to fuck or make love to a man I didn’t find attractive. He couldn’t understand but then it’s his selfishness that he does not see where he did wrong. I was glad this morning that they texted and said they were not interesting. I did give him some advice and told the husband not to be stupid and not offer other men to make love to her that it’s about sex and not loving making but for them to re connect later. Told him that the love making is between them and it shouldn’t be offered to strangers. I do hope they take my advice. I was surprised that they declined us first but happy they did maybe he sensed the same feelings I had about Alan, I guess we will never know and I am not about to ask for fear that I might be right.

So it was an interesting weekend. We had scheduled the outsiders for Sunday mid-morning. Even though I was dealing with my personal issues of the Latino’s I wanted to prove to myself that I could do this with the right couple. I got excited of meeting the outsiders on Sunday and spending the day with Alan. I knew I needed to reconnect with him and felt myself pulling away. However, we did have a meet and greet. So we go and meet this couple. I was excited but nervous as heck. I wasn’t sure if I could deal with the emotions of sharing him or if I would be capable of sharing myself, but figured I did the threesome last year so this shouldn’t be hard. I knew that I was going into something I never tried before and wondered if I could handle the after affect.

We go meet the couple. They were nice not really my type but he was Midwestern and I knew I would never see him again; she was plain but had a nice personality. He was not bad looking but really not my type but figured I wouldn’t have to worry about hearing from them again, I guess that was the security of it all, knowing I wasn’t going to hear from them. Besides in my sexual budget list, I always wanted to meet a traveler/foreigner fuck them and forget them. Not sure how it happened, but the next thing we all are agreeing to go upstairs. I did love the ice breaker; he came up with a card game that got us all naked. I never kissed a girl and actually it wasn’t as thrilling as I thought. I was hoping for better. I was very nervous but not feeling threaten. As we continue, I couldn’t get aroused, nada, I tried I really tried but basically I got left out. That was a first for me, I couldn’t even get wet another first but this did not bother me. I pretended when need be and just went with the flow, I couldn’t get myself excited, I am a multiple squirter and I just couldn’t take myself there. The guy just didn’t know what to do with me even though I told him, I am used to be submissive but I do know when to be aggressive and no matter what he just did not do it for me, big disappointment but he was more into making sure the wife knew he was there, keeping his presents known, he kept consist communication with her. Alan did not do that with me, however, I did make my presents known to him. I realized there that he is not very good at that. I didn’t like seeing Alan kiss her so I kissed guy (Thank God I know how to pretend kiss) and gave him a kiss I knew that Alan would not like, so there went my rule of not kissing. However, Alan admitted he didn’t really like it and that he just went with the flow. Alan had a hard time keeping up an erection which I found funny because I really thought he was enjoying her. He seemed into her He seemed to be enjoying himself; I didn’t have any major issues there expect that I did feel left out in this process. I made sure Alan knew my present was there. I had too and he appreciated it. He told me that he needs to do better there. He claims that he pretended to cum which honestly, if he did, he did an excellent job for I honesty, thought he did. I was getting dressed when this was happening because honesty, I didn’t see why I even needed to be in the bed when her husband went to change and I did too. As a first couple for me I did see where I need to improve and what I will do better but it was not the sexual adventure I was hoping for.

The after math was good though, this did bring Alan and I closer, the reconnection was amazing and we did talk about how he needed to be more like the husband and not leave me alone. I told him that I was bother only because I was not getting a thrill, and felt left out. That no matter what I just couldn’t get wet. He was surprised since he thought I was into it but told him my acting skills were still in excellent condition. He was more surprised that I couldn’t get aroused and he knows a kiss will always get me wet but not feeling nothing was weird. He claims he was surprised he couldn’t keep his erection up and that he had a hard time. What does this tell us, honestly, I do not know. However, the after math was fantastic. He admitted to me that he created a profile but was only curious and he did not know how to delete. Which I am glad he admitted this for this did bother me big time. Which means he is keeping it honest.

I must admit I really did enjoy the reconnection it was amazing, it was everything to both of us or love making was very intense, it was in a different level and it was as we were both giving each other back to another after sharing. However, in the middle of it all I had a thought and told him. I just blurted out, “I hope you will always remember me and never forget me,” I find it unusual when we were so into each other. I wondering if this is an omen not sure but he was a taken back by it not sure what made me say it or why but I knew that I needed to.

I do see my issues after this was all done. I was feeling great all the way home thinking I learned something new and happy that it happen but was sad that I only had a few hours with him and that when I go back home to think about this I will be alone. I cannot reminisce the good parts with him for technically I am alone and he does not belong to me and that’s the part that makes me realize that maybe this is something I cannot do with him right now. I guess I will miss the reminiscing more than anything, the reconnection that I hear couples have and one I wish to have.