Archive | April, 2015

Roller Coaster ride…

30 Apr

I can’t seem to get off this ride. I even tried to read my prior blogs to give me strength. I felt like I was being hit by a freight train. I lost weight. I couldn’t stop crying within myself. I had to pretend everything is well so nobody could see what I was feeling. I feel like an idiot. A woman who just bitches and complains but does nothing about it to change the circumstances. We didn’t talk for about a week, a week, I know I know but than Saturday Morning at 5:30 am I get my first text. I didn’t answer, I tried not to answer, I was in deep thought. I just know living without him was going to be one hell of a ride. I wondered too if he would be able to live without me. I just don’t understand the heaviness on my chest. The numbness I felt. I never allowed myself to fall for anyone. I stayed away from having an emotional ties with anyone so why him. I guess I grew up. I ended up answering him after several hours. I just responded back… I don’t know how to respond.

The text he sent at 5:30 in the morning saying I hurt him as well when I told him I could no longer to sexual adventures with him, that it belongs to someone who I can be seriously committed too. He said he can not believe that I said he didn’t deserve my sexual desires. However, he claims he did not want to lose me but if that has to be it than it should be. That he does not want to lose our friendship. He claims that he is willing to accept what I can give him. For three days he kept inviting me but I declined. At the end I went again. I told him if we stay together it needs to be only sexual because the emotional part shouldn’t be messed with anymore. I know I deserve better but why does it feel like a roller coaster ride with no breaks as I am going to fly to never land.

So here I am happier than I was a week ago for I did end up continuing the relationship but much stronger because this time I will have control. He is my greatest love but I will no longer let him see my emotions I have for him. He will no longer be the person he was once to me. I just cant deal with the pain I was feeling and couldn’t understand the anxious feeling. However, while he was gone I reconnected with the guy we had a threesome with last year. He asked me out and since I figured he knows what I like I wonder if we will be compatible. I have no high expectations. He has been texting me. What will happen I don’t know but his time I am planning on saying more Yes’s that before.

I know I probably disappointed many, I was kind of afraid to blog about it. I guess you can call me a stupid but its hard to let go of this, harder than anything I had to do. I am just weak when it comes to him. In a way I am happy he is leaving for 10 days and we will not be communicating so maybe I can do it than but for now. I just want to enjoy him even if it means just sexually but its hard to let go of the person who control my desires and my heart.

Dealing….

21 Apr

I went to see Alan on Friday. It was hard I didn’t really make up my mind till Thursday night. I probably shouldn’t have gone but one thing that I do is give one last great Fuck one you’ll remember me with and to hear the lame excuses, I needed answers. I was nervous. My friend kept telling me not to sleep with him teach him a lesson but isn’t that what most women do and why men go searching some where else because we want to teach a lesson and reframe from having sex. I know I am not wired normal but I always felt that why should I punish a man with sex when in reality you are punishing yourself. However, I wanted answers and one last Fuck!!

Of course, he tried to say it was a game at first and that he was pulling away from me. He said that he couldn’t help it because the women were beautiful. He claims that he does not want to risk losing me. He admits he wishes I would only belong to him, that he could some how give me everything I deserve, the relationship, the traveling companion, going to bed with him every night, dinners, blah blah. Yet, in the same breath he tells me to go look for someone who truly deserves me, someone who can give me what I want, someone who I can travel with and enjoy the company with. He wants me to find someone because he knows he can never give me what I deserve. Here I give him the most credit for he has never lied about it. He did most of the talking I just basically listen and of course, massaged his feet cause that’s how I listen and try to comprehend, plus it makes a good use of your hands, plus it keeps me calm. He claimed he is more fucked up in the mind because he never thought we would evolved and basically, he is hoping that I would get over it and we can continue to get close. Yet, in the same time wants me to say yes, to the man who will love me as I deserve. He claims as much as he hates the idea and wants me to belong to him, he knows he can never be more. But yet, if I do he wants me to share my sexual experiences with him and one I refuse to do and will not do. I told him when I decide to give myself to someone I will not tell him about our sexual desires for they will not be part of him.

I know that I did real good in listening and making him feel that everything was OK. I was the perfect mistress. I basically told him I will not be doing any more sexual adventures with him. That that part of me will belong to someone who seriously be committed to me. That my sexual desires will no longer be his, that I am not even sure what our next step will be. He responded that he lives for the moment with me and that’s what I did. I fucked him and lived the moment but I fucked him as this would be the last time. I remember him telling me, looking into my eyes and saying that he knew we both would be OK. That at that moment he felt right, that things would be right between us and that we haven’t lost the connection, that we were still making love and yet fucking. Expect for me it was more of letting myself go and living at the moment. Of course, the wife called so I had to leave and I was high so not a good combination, usually I wait and sober up but I didn’t have enough time to do that and it helped me realize why I must end this for both of us.

As I left I told him I will always be his friend and I meant it at that time. However, for me it has changed and made me realize that it is over between us. I didn’t receive a text or a call asking me if I made it home safe (a first for him) and remember I got a long drive. It made me realize that night that it is over that I am just tired of it all. I let my emotions get the best of me and I shouldn’t have fallen in love with a man that could not be mine. But what really sealed the deal was on Sunday. I went onto his profile and noticed he sent out a email giving his number to a woman with his phone number attached. It’s funny how I took his call earlier but sensed it again and I am glad I follow my 6th sense. I screen shot it and keeping it on my phone to remind me why I must continue to end things between us. I realized that once he started lying that I am done. We really haven’t talked since Sunday and I ignoring his calls. I am not ready to block him or delete our texts, emails. However, I did take him off my favorites, it’s a small step but one that needed to be done. I was actually thinking of putting his screen shot to remind me why not to answer but afraid my daughter might see it and I would have to do some explaining that I am not ready for.

I just got to keep reminding myself that this pain is not one of love but of anguish of losing the one thing that made me feel loved and special again. I working on keeping myself busy thank God that I know I wont get tempted to see him any day soon because he is my greatest love affair and I need to stay away and it helps that he will be leaving with his wife to a 10 day vacation. I do hope this girl does answer him and keeps him away from me. Even though he knows and has said that what we have is different unique one he has never felt before I do hope he finds what he is looking for. As painful as it is to say those words I need to be stronger. I almost got tempted in fucking group Sunday night, actually I would have been involved in some sexual experience with 5 men and 2 women but right now for the first time I just don’t feel like having sex with anyone. That’s the part that scares me the most, I always been sexual but it seems Alan took over that part. I never knew letting someone go who had control over my sexual desires would be so hard.

Alan does not know about my screen shot and I know he senses me right now. However, I have to break this connection no matter what, this connection does not belong to him or me. He ruined it. I am not his wife or his girlfriend to have to tolerate it and work through it. I am just someone who fucked him and enjoyed him for what it was at that moment.

Update…
I forgot to added that while he was telling me he cant give me what I deserve, to go find one who can but than he added that he does not want me to find someone. I don’t get why tell me not to find someone when on Sunday he is already sending out his number. I think he is more messed up than me and needs to figure it all out cause I don’t think he knows what he wants anymore.

Life is been one huge dark cloud…

14 Apr

I haven’t been around because life is really kicking my ass right now. I not sure when the sun will shine but lately its been raining cats and dogs. I have had so many negatives in my life that I wondering if this new house is causing some negative changes I wasn’t expecting. Anything that could go wrong has gone wrong but the hardest part is that Alan and I have been having major issues and I not sure what to do.

I have gone into a dark world and trying real hard to crawl out of it but every time I take the positive steps forward something pushes me back. I been crying and can not stop. I break down almost everyday. I trying real hard to keep the sunshine in my life but how can I, when it seems that the new house has jinx every thing from my car to the moving process to my relationship with Alan. There isn’t a day something has not gone wrong. I cry myself to sleep. I staying away from everyone even my blog. There has been times where I just wanted to write but I know that I would be in tears as I am now.

The hardest part is Alan and I not sure where we stand but I know the relationship has changed dramatically and trying real hard to accept it. However, I think I mention before that Alan started to go on a dating site but he started reaching out to other women. At first there was nothing but a few weeks ago he actually set up the profile and send out emails, which he never did get responses back. I felt like someone has just punched me hard. I felt stupid for I gave him a part of myself. I gave him more than he can ever return back. I gave him, me as I never done before with anyone else. I gave him a sexual adventures and yet, I got the shitty end of the stick. I know he does not and never will belong to me but you try to tell my heart differently. We haven’t seen each other in almost a month and every time I think of him my heart breaks even more. I haven’t decided what to do expect that this is the opportunity for me to walk away and yet, I can not walk away completely. Emotionally I am fucked up. Emotionally I am not sure how to deal with walking away. Every time I think about him I cry. He still trying to communicate with me and we do talk but I act like nothing but part of me has died. I told him that things did change and that I will no longer want to know what he is doing, I no longer want him to ask me questions of what I am doing. I no longer want to do sexual adventures with him. I can no longer belong to him. He wants to talk to me this Friday and that has me more fucked up because part of me does not want to go because I know that we will end up fucking but he does not deserve me. Am I going not sure, I am not sure what I want expect that I trying to deal with everything else that matters but at the same time he does but going to see him will set me back. He claims he was just playing around but honesty, that’s just bullshit. I know this and not even sure why I can’t just walk away either. I don’t want to believe that he has made me emotionally weak when it comes to loving another. I just know that since I moved into this new home my life has gone from being all sunshine to a very rainy season.