Archive | May, 2015

Sad return

27 May

I was doing good when it came to Alan. When he first arrived he texted me to let me know he was home safe. It was funny but I could feel his return. I knew before he told me he was back actually the night before I felt his return, I could sense that he was coming home. How the hell can a connection be that strong, how can my senses be so alert when it comes to him. He didn’t tell me when he would be home and I never asked so it scares me that our connection could be that strong to sense when the other is close. I was prepared all day not to answer and trying real hard by ignoring my phone and keeping it out of reach. However, the text did come in and I ignored it. He didn’t know I had cancelled my trip because I got to involved in building my own walk in closet in my home!! YYAAAYYY!!! Proud to say that I did one hell of a great job, for a first timer and this weekend the shelves go up. It was sure way of keeping me away from my phone and distracted me from thinking of him. Ok, Ok, Ok, back to Alan.

I ignored it but than I heard it again and he is telling me that he knows I probably will not get his message because I am on my trip. I figured good it buys me time. Than the first call comes in I ignore it but still when I heard his voice I knew that I would be back on that slope before I could even find the rope to help me climb higher and to get away. I hate that I missed him despite everything that is going on. I answered his call and of course, I hear about his vacation and how much fun he had and I told him I was glad for him that I am happy that he got a chance to visit a new place and that he explored it. He told me that him and his wife ended up in a honeymoon resort but that he was difficult because his wife and him are not romantic anymore. I had a hard time believing that, how the heck can you not be romantic at all so it felt awkward to hear that part because there is no way you can not be romantic in place that is meant just for that. However, he told me he missed me and that he crossed to many lines with me during his vacation. At first I did not understand what he meant but than I wished I never asked. He said he let his thoughts go somewhere that they shouldn’t have, somewhere where he does not allow them to go. He felt inappropriate having any thoughts of me during his vacation because that time belong to his wife. He must have gone to fantasy land where we are not allow to go when it comes to affairs maybe that is why he kept saying he was crossing the line. He sounded guilt, I was surprised. I told him he shouldn’t have thought of me at all especially where his thoughts were going. He claims, he kept wishing I was there with him and if I would have enjoyed it as much as him. He never really has cross the line of fantasying about us maybe sexually but anything else is taboo for both of us. He has been in vacation before without and never really expressing that he wanted me there. He was sounded depressed because of it. He told me he knew with me that I would have enjoyed the beaches and the sunsets, plus exploring the city. He claims that him and his wife had many arguments during this trip which is also a first, but than his daughter did not go with him this time to be the peacemaker. I am had a hard time believing that as well and took everything he said with grain of salt. I am having a hard time believing anything he says right now yet, part of me felt sorry for him. He claims that there were many times he wished he would have contacted me but that his phone screen broke and that he couldn’t really see his screen. He does not know I saw that he checked his email besides that he did text me when he returned.

I have the feeling Alan is going through some major turmoil as I am as well. I think we both know that we are holding on to a string that has no end. We are both messed up and afraid to let each other go but this has been going on for a while. We both know the changes that our happening and can not be avoid either I think we are in our point of our lives where decision’s need to be made. Who will start the no contact, right now I just taking that call took me back to wanting him, and knowing me I will probably take another call as it comes. I’ve been bittersweet about the call. I hate that I want him so much and yet knowing that he is my drug of choice can also kill me emotionally. I hate that I wasn’t strong enough not to ignore it. I just don’t understand what is happening or why we can not make an easy break. He knows that I am not staying home waiting for him but than he never did ask me so I think this is the dagger that is causing all the issues because maybe for the first time he is realizing there is more to me than he ever thought he could handle. He probably realizing that I am making myself more available. He probably realizes I am not completely his as I know he can never be mine.

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another day another disappointment….

19 May

Not sure why I am surprised and why I am disappointed. I guess seeing that Alan is checking his email, yet he has no time to send me a quick note. I know that I shouldn’t expect it but still its a disappointment for me. I not sure why I even thought that this time he would send me a quick note. However, wasn’t I suppose to start the NC I guess I am being pushed that way. Maybe a part of me wanted to hear from him saying he misses me, so I wouldn’t have to go that route but apparently I guess I am not being missed and its better this way. I feel that I am being overdramatic and this is not me. I shouldn’t care if he does or not but I do.

I just have to realize that this is good for me even though I feel like my heart is being ripped from me. I won’t email him or let him know what is going on for its only for me to know and not him. I just know since the dating site we haven’t been able to go over the hump so I guess you can say that this should make me stronger but it hasn’t. I guess one day at a time and each day that passes makes it harder yet, easier for my decision.

Opening my doors…

18 May

Alan left Friday and before he left, I felt he was trying to make me feel guilty. It was funny because he tried to tell me to be good and to be safe. Yet, he tells me he burn all his bridges (other women) and that he gave it up all for me. I replied by saying yes, maybe you did but you sure as heck, try to rebuild them with your dating site. Of course, he did not like my response. He claims he is mad that I would think differently about him. He does not know I have the email that shows him giving away his phone number to another woman. He asked me again to delete his profile but I am refusing, I figure you got into this you figure it out. I don’t care what he says I know the truth. All I want is “Honesty” but instead I am supposed to feel guilty which I don’t. My only guilt is that I am in love with a married man who does not deserve it.

I saw that he sign in to his email while he is gone, this kind of hurt but knew that he is with his wife enjoying his vacation time, that I have respect for and would not want to interfere. I just feel that if you have time to check your email than you have time to send me a note. BTW: he does not know that I can do that, checked if he has gotten into his email, I know that is bad but I need this to keep me real. Besides I am not using it against him but for myself to pull way from him, to keep it real and not be fooled again. However, I do know that I am not his priority but as much as I hate to say it stung. So I decide to do something I haven’t done in a while. I guess you can say I react differently than most women, and why I need to meet someone stronger than me to keep me from misbehaving.

I sign up for a weekend of Oasis, where you meet and greet new couples who like to swing. One of my ex-FWB out of the blue posts something about a weekend in SD and lets have fun and explore. I texted him and wanted to know more information. I told him if I go I will be going alone and wanted to know when him and his wife would be there. He was eager to give me the information. He tells me that he is surprised that I am willing to go alone but told him, not ready to show this side of myself to anyone and that I am there to see and explore. I am not sure if I will join but I am willing to see and walk into the dark side of my sexual being. I am realizing I do not need someone to do this with and I must be crazy to do this by myself, however it would be nice, if I did have someone to share this with. Am I asking for trouble probably but knowing me I will enjoy this very much besides that I feel I am using my hurt constructively.

I always wanted to do something as crazy as that and why not? I am single and I find it arousing to see others Fuck and enjoy each other. I am not there to meet a man I am there to explore my options and what it would be to go in there full blown for a weekend of pure sex. To bad I can not wear a mask all weekend, I do not want anyone to recognize me later on. I never knew that swingers actually had these kind of event so close by I knew about the cruises but not weekend of pleasures. I am nervous but figure there is no harm in going under the dark side as long as I keep it to myself and understand fully what I am getting into. Will I fuck another not sure yet but I do know that I am taking my favorite toys and will enjoy myself if I do not meet anyone interesting enough which I highly doubt. However, knowing my friend and his wife I doubt I will be using my toys but will be using him to satisfy my needs. Alan hates him to because he knows I enjoy this man and his company. He knows that I like this man very much and that I am sexually attracted to him even though he is married, his wife does give me a hall pass and I have fucked him before and enjoyed it very much. I might as well use this hall pass, he is excited for he has been wanting to take me to one of these functions once I told him I am curious of it. However, I feel if am not Alan priority that why should I make him mine, why should I have to wait to discover my sexual side. Why should I give him all the power over my sexual desires if he can not even send me a note. I know that is sound stupid to let something as small as that get to me but its the meaning behind it. I know I shouldn’t be expecting but I think that’s not to much to ask for. I wanted an email saying he misses me so instead I get a weekend of sexual pleasure and adventure. and I do not see any harm in that. As far as I know maybe he will disappeared on me when he returns. I know that I probably sound self destructive but what I am doing is letting him go. I am hoping I follow through my plan too. I have changed so much I am hoping this is what I need to go explore and discover myself without being intimate with anyone plus learning the side of me that only Alan knows but now I am opening the door to let others see this side of me. Will my friend and his wife take me there heaven knows but I am willing to open my door and discover this mini adventure.

Lovers to FWB

15 May

I did go see Alan this week. However, it was not the same for some reason we are both having a hard time, not sure why, or why him. I felt like we were just there to take care of our needs and nothing else. I felt like we went from Lovers to FWBs, can that really be possible. I had to do some thinking afterwards and realize that I can not do that to myself I can not go back to how it was in the beginning of our relationship. In the beginning, he would call me a thief at night for I would come, fuck and leave as soon as he fell asleep. I wouldn’t have bother to spoon or be too intimate with him. I would just wait till he was snoring, I would grab my clothes and leave quietly. However, after these emotions that got involved, it’s impossible to go into the past behavior. I trying hard to not listen to my heart but it’s telling me that I can not let him go, yet I know that this would cause me severe damage to my well being. I am so confused, so messed up and this is not me. I am in control, not him. I need answers that I know can not be answered. I keep asking myself why? Why did he have to open that site? Why him, when I got choices? He is not the best man I ever dated I had better, known better, why did my heart choose him?

When I saw him it was like two friends that just needed the sexual relief, yet a relief to know that we are both there. However, our habits did change prior to his arrival. It was not the same. You could feel the difference between us. We were pleasant and enjoyed each other however, we hardly spoke to each other. We just held each other and hardly no words were spoken. We would make love but afterwards, we just held each other with no words were exchanged. If we talked it was general. When it was time to leave we both just didn’t want get up and get dressed. We laid there naked, spooning each other, letting our hands enjoy the touching, the caressing of each other, listening to our breathing, wondering what the other was thinking. When we said good byes, we parted as friends, a hug that felt more like a brotherly hug than one of lovers. What does this mean? I never done this before with anyone else. Is this our way of letting go? Is the adult version of no drama. I don’t understand for the first time in my adult hood I felt like a teenager trying to figure out what my next move will be, what his initiations are. Trying to figure out why the changes, I know what caused the changes. Is this time apart really going to end us.

I felt like we were more like friends than lovers. I felt that he is hoping I would settle for FWB but I can’t, I can be his friend but without the benefits, to be his FWB that’s impossible.

He is leaving tonight to his vacation. I wasn’t expecting any phone calls. He already had told me that he was going to be to busy and that he wouldn’t have time. I wished him well. Yet, I got a call each day since Tuesday when we parted. He tried to make excuses why he wouldn’t be able to contact me during his vacation. I squashed his excuses, he didn’t realize my BFF travels and will contact me no matter where he is at and Alan hates this man but honestly, I don’t give a hoot ass if he does, however, do not make lame excuses to me. I just hope that I can take this time to figure it all out and figure out the NC without causing me to much pain before he arrives back home because right now I just feel like crying and I haven’t even started it. It’s going to be hard but there is no way I can go back to being FWB, No way!!!

What to do??

11 May

I been thinking a lot of Alan and the changes in our relationship just took these past weeks. I realized that one of the main reasons we both can not move forward is because we are both not ready to let go. We try to pull away from each other and try to not let our emotions get involved but that’s to late. We can not seem to be able to walk away even though we both know that there is a chance of another person coming into our lives either him or I. I keep thinking why can I not just stop contacting him, why can he not stop contacting me. He is leaving this week and looking forward to these days of no contact so maybe I can make the right decision and walk away before he comes back. He also hates that I will be going on a trip because he wants to be with me but there is nothing he can do and he knows this. I think we both are realizing that we are hating that we can not be more than we are but nothing we can do about it. Maybe that is the issue. One of the things I realizing is probably disappearing is one of the things we would need to to do for each other. I know that disappearing can hurt if there is no explanation but we both are not strong enough to let each other go, so I believe that it will have to be up to me. I know disappearing is the worse way to part ways but I feel I don’t have a choice or maybe I do. I honesty, don’t think we can stay friends there is to much that will pull us back in. I am already treating this as one day at a time and living for the moment but what is happening is, he is the moment I am waiting for and that’s not healthy either. There is already a lot of hurt and pain I can not seem to let it go that he join the dating site but than I wonder how he must feel that I am available to date and hears my stories of going out. The pain is overwhelming but I know that I need to be able to move forward, I just don’t have the strength. There is many changes coming my way which is giving me more freedom to be able to find a companion or new activities. He will never be available for me especially since his work is demanding and so is his wife.

I trying not to see him this week he asked me but its hard especially since I know the moment I see him I will belong to him once more or that it might be our last visit, yet I will not be able to say no. I haven’t decided what to do and I been in a fog for a while and I need to clear it up before he comes back. He tells me he has turmoil, he tells me he wishes he could be my everything but knows that he will never be. I can feel his turmoil that he wishes to be at my side but knows that it can never be. Yet, we are each others drug of choice. I hate that what we have is a connection I can not explain and one that is not easy to let go, yet not strong enough to survive this affair much longer. He does not know that my turmoil is for the first time I want more and that I know he can never be that yet, I can not accept him not being part of my life.

So what to do? Is it the end and we are just avoiding it, I can not answer that and neither can he expect that we both are accepting the changes that we both know can not be avoided what it will be I don’t know but I am taking the time when he is gone to clear up my mind and soul. I just wish I had a crystal ball to see what the future holds for us.

Realization

4 May

I trying to stay positive that I will be able to work myself out of this dilemma/addiction. I actually went out to dinner by myself, it was the first in a long time since I did that and since Alan thinks everything is good between us I am noticing his behaviors but this time I see it differently. I am noticing many things since we started talking again last week, things that before where acceptable but not anymore. However, this time I am taking things with stride. I do have screen shots where he gave his number out and email from the dating site. Which is helping me desensitize from the situation yet, I can not completely let him go, it does help me in making me realizing that I must move forward in a weird way it brings me back to realization. When he tries to sweet talk me I go back to those screen shots to remind me he’s a lair. He wants us to go back to the way we were but its hard this time for my attitude has changed. I want to believe his words but know deep inside he is hoping that I just forget but I just can’t. I think we both know that we are each other’s drug and that it’s hard to just let go.

Yet, I am upset that I didn’t have the strength to have no contact with him. I guess I just have to wait till he is gone to see if I can wean myself. I hate realizing how much I open myself to him and that some how I had put him up above myself and yet, that he does not belong up there. When did I let this happen, I am not sure for I never done anything remotely what I have with anyone else. I never given myself to anyone and that’s the part that hurts. He does own part of my desires and wants but he does not deserve them. Yet, I realize that I can not or want to share this with anyone else. I have accepted that I love him and that letting him go is a painful. I never felt like I do with anyone else or let anyone get to know me as he has but can I honesty believe that he will be mine. I feel like I am in a crosswords and not sure which path to take. I can’t deny the feelings he brings me but I know deep inside what he did any normal woman would have not tolerated and would walk away. I just don’t have the strength to let go of the man I love. I know it says out there when you love someone you are suppose to accept his ways but honesty, I am having a hard time accepting his dating site even though he still claims nothing came out of it. The right choice would be to let him go but I am realizing I just can’t. I keep telling myself when am I going to close this chapter of my life but I have the feeling that this chapter is not going to be done any day soon.

On the positive side, I am going on my first date and worried that Alan will invade my mind. I am hoping that I do not bring him up or that I speak of what has happen. I do know that I am planning in enjoying it but I been so horny, so I am hoping that I do not sleep with this guy because I want to be able to met my needs and Alan hasn’t be available. I told the guy to take it slow with me. He does know that Alan is part of my life but I made it clear that we are trying to work things out and he understands. He even thinks it would be awesome if all of us because friends and that we can travel together, date and do stuff. He claims wouldn’t it be amazing to have two men always available for me at all times. I just want one to love me like I should be loved. I am not very thrilled that this man knows about my sexual side. I feel that he must think he will get lucky with me but what I do find him attractive, he is aggressiveness, witty and I enjoy a guy who is like that. He knows my heart belongs to Alan he has expressed it and is willing to accept it as long as he has a shot with me. Yet, I am not thrilled about going out with him. It even makes me feel guilty that I am doing it behind Alan’s back since before all of this we were so honest with each other.

It does make me sad that I am going out for the wrong reasons but its a start and all I have to do is going back to the screen shots and remind myself why I must go on with my life. Even though Alan is my drug of choice I have to remember that this drug is not worth the pain I am feeling.