Archive | June, 2015

Sexual adventures

17 Jun

I usually do not like writing in the evening cause I am to tired so forgive the mistakes but my mind can not stop thinking of my weekend with Alan that is coming soon. We usually do not get a weekend together and I am planning our sexual adventures for next weekend. I will be spending a lot of time with Alan. I know that I should not be the one planning these things but to be honesty, this way I feel in control. I know that I shouldn’t be doing this with him but he is the one. When I told him that I no longer wanted to do this with him I felt like someone had taken the wind out of me and it would not let me breath. He was the one that accepted it no matter what, he was willing to take it and realized that he lost that part of me. However, this does not define our relationship, yet, it is part of what we enjoy about each other. I love that he is so open-minded and enjoy his desire for me and the he is willing to explore.

These were all fantasies I mine but glad I had inspirational bloggers that got me thinking if they can why not me. M.

On our first night, I want to do another sexual adventure about finding a stranger and just blowing him, since he got so hot and bothered, I figured let him be my witness. This thought turns me on so much for it is fun to give a stranger a memory. However, when I am done with the stranger I get to be Fucked… now I call that a happy ending for me especially sine it will be Alan. He will see how naughty I can really be, if my mind is in the right form.

Second night go visit a club and hope that its decent and that we can go further than we did the first time. I do enjoy having people watch us. I enjoy the energy a club can create with the Alan, back ground, and setting it could be amazing. If we fuck another couple that’s ok but if we don’t it will still be amazing. I just want to enjoy in being somewhere naughty and letting myself go especially with him. I am just hoping I do not pick a dud.

Third night a couple, I am looking to find a couple otherwise visit another club. I know we did the couple before but that one was a big time dud and hoping this time I can actually pick the right couple who will not forget me in the adventure. I figure lets give that another try. Otherwise, let try another club and see where it takes us. Either way I hope we can do it all because moments like this do not come often and anything could happen.

I guess reading everyone’s adventures made me realize I need to bring that back to me. That is the part that I enjoyed and I haven’t really shown it. Alan gets glimpses of it but never really understood till now. I need to be able to bring that back to me. I know Alan will enjoy it and so will I. It be a weekend we won’t forget in a long time. Now I am just worried about the after math. Whatever happens I know that I want this weekend to be enjoyable and I will deal with the after math by myself.

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Hope at a young age and old

11 Jun

I have been debating about what to write about since so much is happening in my life right now. With my daughter’s graduation coming to an end getting her set up for her next chapter in her life, I see how happy she is that she is done with high school and now looking forward to a new chapter in life. I see how excited that she is now going to be able to live her life more freely without the teachers and I pushing her to finish her first degree of many more to come. She has it all planned out to be done with college by the age of 24 be married by the age of 25 and have her babies before the age of 30, to live happily ever after. To see her plan her destiny makes me smile yet, sad that life is really not that easy. I had the same thoughts at her age and I got as far as having my last child at the age of 30, expect I wasn’t planning on being with someone who would emotionally and physically abuse (sexually, not physical) me. I never thought I would see myself at this age being a mistress or being in love with a man that could never belong to me. I pray that her life turns out better than mine that she truly does find that one man that would truly love her as she should be loved. That she does not go through heartache of infidelity, or of being bored in her relationship that she might fall in love with someone else besides her husband. Can you really prepare someone for these two events that could happen? I know nobody prepared me for this and sometimes I wish I had someone who would have forewarn me of it.

I know with me that wasn’t the case I never thought I would cheat on my ex roommate or that I would fall in love with a man that owns so much of me. I never was prepared to know that husbands can actually rape their wives or that there is so many emotional, mental games that are played by the ones you love. I wasn’t prepared that at this age I would at last find my soul mate the one I been looking for and wanted to believe in when I was younger. I never thought I would find the one who can connect with me as Alan has. I never thought I would meet the man that would actually complete me.

Alan is going through some kind of turmoil and not sure what it is since he won’t tell me and I am not asking but I could feel it. He has giving me short glimpses of it but I feel since his trip from his vacation something is eating him up. He knows I have changed and maybe he does not like my changes but it’s the only way to protect myself. We had a long discussion about how the dating site open my eyes to realizing that he is free to do what he wants as so am I. I told him I am planning in going to SD for a swingers convention with another couple but didn’t want to tell him who it was (he is very jealous of the man). Of course, he did not like it but what can he really do to stop me. I told him planning on a BBQ for my daughter and he asked if he could come, of course told him No, cause he is married. He asked again if he could meet my daughter told him once again he is married and that was impossible. Sometimes I wonder if he is just joking but deep inside I don’t think so. He told me he does not like my new home says it gives him bad vibes told I don’t either but it was worth it for my daughter. I think him being married and me not allowing him in my real life is also getting to him. He said he can’t believe I was celibate for 4 years. The reason I survived 4 years of celibacy with my ex roommate is because I was a sexting queen. I didn’t feel I was cheating on my ex roommate cause it was all an illusion of technology plus it was all in cyber land and not in front of me. I did tell him that once I decided that sexting was only making me horny that I decided to actually cross the line and where a lot of my sexual adventures come from. I copied my last blog entry and showed him one of my sexual adventures. He loved it. I give him short versions of it but never will tell him where it’s at due to the fact this blog will hurt him. I told him that my blog will hurt him because it’s about me being in love with a married man and being single still looking for someone else.

However, I saw deep inside of him and I could feel that he is going through something that I must back away , I know that he wishes he could be with me this I know , however, there is something deeper going on . I have backed away not completely for I can never really end these ties. Yet, I could sense Alan that his mind is going through something that I am afraid to ask. We both agreed to tell each other everything without fear but I am still scared to ask. I know he is not planning on leaving me but I think deep inside he is wanting what he can’t have, what it is I am not planning on asking but I do have a very strong feeling what it is. I do not want the lies to begin especially since I know that would be a road of more despair than anything else. I am already on this bumping road and I do not need for it to get worse.

He knows I am looking to find that one person who completes me as he does but a better version of what we have. Yet, I know deep inside of me that nobody will completely fulfill me as he does. I know that nobody would be able to understand, connect with me as intensely as he does, as well as love me deeply as he does. We both accept our ways and who we are. I hate that I am trapped in a cage without finding an exit but it is my cage and I do have the key to unlock it so why don’t I. We talked about this about our connection and how we can sense each other without actually speaking to each other but we know and understand that it will never be more than it is now for he is taken. I wish there was a way for me to stop these feeling but I can’t, I am not strong enough. I just know that he is the one and I don’t understand why him. I know that the reason men do not come to me is because they can sense they can never have me completely as Alan does. I know that letting him go is the most painful experience I ever felt and it feels like I am losing a huge part of me. Yet, every day I wake up hoping today is the day that I meet that one man who can take me where Alan has taken me but to the point of being able to go to bed with him each night and waking up with him beside me.

New year’s Eve BJ…

2 Jun

Please read with caution… some how it got X-rated..

As we know I am having a hard time letting go of Alan no matter what he has done. I know the reasons behind what he is doing because I was just like him before I changed. I did see him on Sunday but this time I changed the tables on him. I figured if he really wants a FWB than I would treat him as one. I will enjoy the moment for what it was and nothing more. It took some mental work on my part. Before I became submissive I was always in control of who I was and never let anyone get close to me emotionally. I always been afraid of commitment and in a way still am. I figured what happen to the woman that would enjoy the sexual adventures and did not care who knew. I had to think when was the last time I played that game. When was I the one who seeked a playmate for the evening, who left a memory. When was the last time I had control of my adventures before I gave them to Alan before I gave myself to someone else completely before I let my submissive side come out.

Than I remembered this… I always wanted to do something crazy for New Years Eve, I was tired of my ex roommate just laying there waiting for midnight to show up, so I got dressed and left. You have to remember my ex didn’t care what I did or where I went or what time I left as long as I came home and didn’t cheat on him.

I have a sexual bucket list that I wanted to accomplish so this New Year’s Eve I
decided that at midnight I wanted to be on my knees giving a blow job to a total stranger and let him remember that New Years for year’s to come. I remembered how in control I was. How I was in control of making this happen. I remembered drinking and just having a good time. I remembered how I was just dancing the night away and feeling good but knowing that I needed to find someone to be able to accomplish this and than I met him. He was a nice guy and one that seemed not so adventures, he probably was boring when he was sober. He was going to become MY adventure just for one night and he will enjoy it for what it is. As the night continued we kind of partnered up on the dance floor. Being that I know how to seduce on that dance floor and I knew how to move those hips, grind him as he got closer, making sure that he cock was thrilled by my movements. I had him aroused and hooked. I asked him to go outside with me when it was 10 minutes to New years. He asked why, I told him because I will be giving you a special kiss that can not been seen here.

I took him outside and started kissing him, letting him know there is more. At first he was a shocked but I told him just enjoy it for the moment, for what it is. I started rubbing him, grinding him as we kissed. I could feel his cock getting hard and that was a thrill to know that I had the power to thrill someone. The power to control someone else’s arousal. To enjoy the excitement of being out in public taking that chance. I unbuckled his pants. I let my hand touch him so and it felt hard as I started stroking it, slowly promising more to come. Once I felt the pre-cum I dropped to my knees, at first he said No but he couldn’t resist. Who the hell can resist a woman on her knees. I told him just remember this New Years for years to come and you’ll have a story to tell. His cock felt nice and it was very hard. I tasted his pre-cum he was so excited. As I took him in I felt the warmth of his cock on my tongue. I slowly started circling the tip of his cock enjoying that he was getting harder, this encouraged me to continue. I took my time, licking him up and down, feeling the veins on his cock pulsate. I would let him enter my mouth slowly as I savored him, giving him enough suction as he entered . Enjoying the pre-cum as it started getting more excited getting closure to his release. I slowing showed him how deep I will allow him to go. I heard his moans and I was getting wet just knowing that he was thrilled with my talent. I took him in deep in my throat, squeezing my throat so he can feel it as he entered deeply. I started to grab his hips to show him how to fuck my mouth. He caught on quickly for he started to thrust himself and as reward he would feel me squeeze my throat every time he went in deep. I was wet from excitement knowing soon I would release as well. I could feel his cock get ready for release and I made sure to taste every drop of it as I did, I came as well. He was hollering to the moon. It was just like I wanted it to be. As soon as we were done so was the evening. I just got up and thanked him for making my bucket list, winked and walked away. I remember he wanted to take me out to get a bite to eat but I was done and happy to have done what I did.

As I was thinking of this adventure one of my last ones I was thinking when did I change. How did Alan change me, when did I give someone else that power without me realizing it. I want my power back till I find the one who can honestly make me their submissive till I can find the one can control my desires. I guess I got off the subject but this is what I am feeling at this moment and trying to do some deep thinking… but it didn’t hurt to think of some of my adventures.