Hope at a young age and old

11 Jun

I have been debating about what to write about since so much is happening in my life right now. With my daughter’s graduation coming to an end getting her set up for her next chapter in her life, I see how happy she is that she is done with high school and now looking forward to a new chapter in life. I see how excited that she is now going to be able to live her life more freely without the teachers and I pushing her to finish her first degree of many more to come. She has it all planned out to be done with college by the age of 24 be married by the age of 25 and have her babies before the age of 30, to live happily ever after. To see her plan her destiny makes me smile yet, sad that life is really not that easy. I had the same thoughts at her age and I got as far as having my last child at the age of 30, expect I wasn’t planning on being with someone who would emotionally and physically abuse (sexually, not physical) me. I never thought I would see myself at this age being a mistress or being in love with a man that could never belong to me. I pray that her life turns out better than mine that she truly does find that one man that would truly love her as she should be loved. That she does not go through heartache of infidelity, or of being bored in her relationship that she might fall in love with someone else besides her husband. Can you really prepare someone for these two events that could happen? I know nobody prepared me for this and sometimes I wish I had someone who would have forewarn me of it.

I know with me that wasn’t the case I never thought I would cheat on my ex roommate or that I would fall in love with a man that owns so much of me. I never was prepared to know that husbands can actually rape their wives or that there is so many emotional, mental games that are played by the ones you love. I wasn’t prepared that at this age I would at last find my soul mate the one I been looking for and wanted to believe in when I was younger. I never thought I would find the one who can connect with me as Alan has. I never thought I would meet the man that would actually complete me.

Alan is going through some kind of turmoil and not sure what it is since he won’t tell me and I am not asking but I could feel it. He has giving me short glimpses of it but I feel since his trip from his vacation something is eating him up. He knows I have changed and maybe he does not like my changes but it’s the only way to protect myself. We had a long discussion about how the dating site open my eyes to realizing that he is free to do what he wants as so am I. I told him I am planning in going to SD for a swingers convention with another couple but didn’t want to tell him who it was (he is very jealous of the man). Of course, he did not like it but what can he really do to stop me. I told him planning on a BBQ for my daughter and he asked if he could come, of course told him No, cause he is married. He asked again if he could meet my daughter told him once again he is married and that was impossible. Sometimes I wonder if he is just joking but deep inside I don’t think so. He told me he does not like my new home says it gives him bad vibes told I don’t either but it was worth it for my daughter. I think him being married and me not allowing him in my real life is also getting to him. He said he can’t believe I was celibate for 4 years. The reason I survived 4 years of celibacy with my ex roommate is because I was a sexting queen. I didn’t feel I was cheating on my ex roommate cause it was all an illusion of technology plus it was all in cyber land and not in front of me. I did tell him that once I decided that sexting was only making me horny that I decided to actually cross the line and where a lot of my sexual adventures come from. I copied my last blog entry and showed him one of my sexual adventures. He loved it. I give him short versions of it but never will tell him where it’s at due to the fact this blog will hurt him. I told him that my blog will hurt him because it’s about me being in love with a married man and being single still looking for someone else.

However, I saw deep inside of him and I could feel that he is going through something that I must back away , I know that he wishes he could be with me this I know , however, there is something deeper going on . I have backed away not completely for I can never really end these ties. Yet, I could sense Alan that his mind is going through something that I am afraid to ask. We both agreed to tell each other everything without fear but I am still scared to ask. I know he is not planning on leaving me but I think deep inside he is wanting what he can’t have, what it is I am not planning on asking but I do have a very strong feeling what it is. I do not want the lies to begin especially since I know that would be a road of more despair than anything else. I am already on this bumping road and I do not need for it to get worse.

He knows I am looking to find that one person who completes me as he does but a better version of what we have. Yet, I know deep inside of me that nobody will completely fulfill me as he does. I know that nobody would be able to understand, connect with me as intensely as he does, as well as love me deeply as he does. We both accept our ways and who we are. I hate that I am trapped in a cage without finding an exit but it is my cage and I do have the key to unlock it so why don’t I. We talked about this about our connection and how we can sense each other without actually speaking to each other but we know and understand that it will never be more than it is now for he is taken. I wish there was a way for me to stop these feeling but I can’t, I am not strong enough. I just know that he is the one and I don’t understand why him. I know that the reason men do not come to me is because they can sense they can never have me completely as Alan does. I know that letting him go is the most painful experience I ever felt and it feels like I am losing a huge part of me. Yet, every day I wake up hoping today is the day that I meet that one man who can take me where Alan has taken me but to the point of being able to go to bed with him each night and waking up with him beside me.


5 Responses to “Hope at a young age and old”

  1. cinammonswirlgirl83 June 11, 2015 at 10:01 pm #

    Reblogged this on The Secret Self and commented:
    I had to reblog this b/c I identify with so many of my new friend’s confusion/uncertainty/frustration about her love for this one man. I do know what it’s like to want to stop loving the wrong man, but being unable to. Sweetheart I heard everything you said. Love really can be a bitch.

    • angelmorals June 12, 2015 at 2:17 pm #

      Thank you I feel honored….. and it is a bitch and one that wont stop bitching… I just have to hope that it will stop eventually…

  2. Madeline Harper June 19, 2015 at 5:03 pm #

    You’re gut is always right. If you think he’s going through something he probably is. Sounds like so much confusion. Hang in there. So happy for your daughter. Sounds just like me. I made the prophecy happen too!

    • angelmorals June 19, 2015 at 5:25 pm #

      I know you did. I do believe something is up and I have to be careful because it could change my life. There is so much confusion in both of our parts but what he is going through is deeper.

      • Madeline Harper June 19, 2015 at 7:39 pm #

        Don’t discredit your own path. I tend to do that too. It’s hard not to when we are givers.

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