Not sure if I am back….

10 Nov

As we know I haven’t felt like writing. I basically had shut down but all of suddenly today I got the urge to write. So if I don’t make sense since understand I am about to throw it all up.

This summer was an awakening, it made me realize that life is short and long. That we must decided what is best for us and what is not. I know that I felt like I was a broken record player when it came to Alan. There were times where I wanted to write but was afraid of what I might read. There was times where I wanted to shut down the blog. I even took a small mini vacation to try to find myself. I was coming up to our 6 year anniversary and I know we are not spending it together as matter fact I will not be seeing Alan for about a month minimal.

The thing is I know I can not give advice to others if I can not take my own advice. So I stopped writing on others blogs. I felt my words were empty, no meaning. When my grandfather died it was a heartbreak for they had one of those love stories that make you hope for love. He died missing his love. His own heartbreak killed him and it hit me hard. I always dreamed of finding their special love, I know I did find it but the wrong time. However, I continue to fight for my freedom of being able to continue being my own individual till this day I still argue and fight for my independence you figure how can a grown woman still fight for her independence but in my culture, you are suppose to give up your life to help with your parents and I refuse. Still refusing, there were times I just want to find the first man I met and marry him because I knew this was the only way I could survive. I was going down big time because I didn’t want to give up my freedom to do as I wish. So I started going out every weekend and any chance I had just to piss everyone off including Alan even if he has no say in it. I refused to give up my weekends to be with my parents. I refused to give up any of my time for my parents. I knew the moment I give up a little I would be swallowed in and finding no escape and there my life would be doomed. I knew that I would have to give up on the idea of finding love, finding who I was. So instead I fought and argued with anyone who wanted to take away the freedom I had. I was not going to cater to parents who were healthy and still had a life to live. So what does a grown woman do when they want to anchor her down. She goes crazy and acts like she is a young 18 year old. Oh boy!! and I am having fun again but this time I can afford it.

However, at the same time I was dealing with the 6 year coming up and I knew leaving Alan was not going to be an option for me but at the same time I knew that he was not the one to grow old with. He already has someone else, so what do you do when you are stuck and you know that even when you have no future with someone you need to find someone so that your parents do not feel the need to invade your life. I knew I didn’t want to settle either. I did not get my independence to depend on a man to pull me away from my culture. I stood up and have been.

I know that I was worried that if I didn’t find my solution soon I was going to spiral down but at the same time I knew I did not want to be one of those lovers who been with a married man for 25 years, or the cynical single woman hating taking care of her parents, either. So what do you do? I open my options more and found more ways to discover something new each week. I found new places to hang out and found that I am having fun with it as well. Yet, in the back of my mind Alan still stands there holding my heart there has been big waves coming our way but honesty, I know that I felt that my blog was becoming a broken record player. I felt that each month he would hurt me and than I would brush it off. I know that he has never made me a promise of growing old together but at the same time I was still hoping he would. I know that he will never leave his wife but still hoping he would choose me.

I know he will always choose his wife and that soon it will be 6 years and since I know we can never end this bond that holds us together. There is a connection between us that is remarkable but it is no longer good enough I need to continue to explore. He has slacked off because he knows this bond this connection will keep me where I am at but one thing I realized him slacking off has made me crave for attention. My parents pushed me to crave the arms of another. I am tired of doing this all alone and it is time to open my door wider.

Alan does not realize that he is one of the main reasons I keep opening my door an inch wider each time. He hates that I am out there exploring finding new ways of having fun. He wont admit it. I have gotten myself into some adventures and I am having fun with it, yes, I do worry that I might end up in a ditch but who cares, if God wants to take me than let him. I am not made to sit at home and rot. I am made to explore and enjoy. Alan tells me nothing good happens after midnight and my response is than you should be at my side. He tries to tell me that if I would like it if he behaved that way I am. I respond by telling him it would never happen because I wouldn’t leave my man alone to get into temptation, I would stand right next to him. He is hating it but honesty, when you are to busy for me than I am too busy to wait no matter what the connection is. When you need to stop kissing me so much because of swollen lips than I will find someone who I can kiss and not worry if I do. When you choose not to call because you need to be left alone, than you should understand I will pay attention to the one who does not want to be left alone but needs my company to make it better. We all choose our lives and I know my connection with him is stopping me but my disappointment is bring me encouragement.

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5 Responses to “Not sure if I am back….”

  1. cumcoveredstrwberry November 11, 2015 at 8:27 pm #

    Life is far too short to spend it waiting on someone who doesn’t put you first. I also recently lost a close family member and it reminded me to never take a songle moment for granted.

    • angelmorals November 12, 2015 at 6:12 pm #

      I know life is short and why I continue to open my doors wider… it is hard when you lose that person who meant so much for you…. but one step at a time that’s what I keep telling myself…

      • cumcoveredstrwberry November 12, 2015 at 6:33 pm #

        I take my life an hour at a time. It helps break down each horrible part of the day.

      • angelmorals November 13, 2015 at 7:53 pm #

        I usually live my days as it my last day. I want to have no regrets and why I stop to smell the roses. Matter fact that is exactly what I told my mom that other day I have no regrets for I done my best… and that all I can give

      • cumcoveredstrwberry November 13, 2015 at 8:58 pm #

        Have you tried meditation or yoga?

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