Archive | March, 2016

Wrote this day before Valentine’s Day!

5 Mar

 

Unedited …

Here I am surrendered by people who are hoping to take someone home. Yet nobody is sure what they will hook up with. I am missing my lover wishing he was sitting next to me. Yet,I can take anyone home if I put the effort but I choose Alan. He is the one I want the one I desire. How fucked up am I to desire a married man over a possibility of finding a companion. What’s wrong with me? He will be spending it with the one he truly wants. The one who completes him. The one he will always belong too.

I am drunk and wishing for a man I can never have. I know that his wife is hurting. Having found out about us doing an adventure. I am so messed up so fucked up that I been hiding from the world. Haven’t  felt like going out. But I know staying home is not the answer. So I go out forcing myself Knowing at home my thoughts would be with him the one I fell in love with. I hate myself for this part of me wants to walk away from him but I can’t. I haven’t been able to all I know that I hate that I want a man that causes me pain. For tomorrow is Valentine’s Day and I am alone and he’s spending with the one who truly belongs to him the one he loves
The bottom line is i am the other woman and I live in my own turmoil of never being nothing more than the side line woman

Wow… WordPress really changed on me…

4 Mar

I am not even sure if I am even using the correctly or if this will publish right… but here it goes… Might be a long one… lots to catch up with…

I know I been gone for a while but honesty, felt lost and trying so hard to figure it out, I didn’t realize how much writing used to help me.  I felt like a broken record player. I was always complaining and that was/isn’t  me.  In the middle of my life changing events,  I am still having sexual adventures, still with Alan, dealing with my mom  and trying to just adjust.  However, I am at my ends rope… I miss not writing there are times where I just wanted to pour out my feelings but refused cause I felt stupid like an idiot.  I felt why am I crying, why cant I just get a hold of myself, what happen to the woman who just didn’t give a shit and still lived her life.

Somehow, all the deaths in my family really woke me up and the same time killed part of me.  I have learned to say No to my mom and told her point blank not giving up my life for someone who is capable of enjoying there’s.  I know it sounds mean but how am I supposed to give up my life for someone who is healthy.  If my mom or dad were ill than I wouldn’t have a problem taking care of them.  However, they are in perfect health, they have money to enjoy, they just don’t have friends and my siblings are not around to visit them so they burden fell on me.  However, it has been a stressful year but I am winning for I have not given up on mine and at last I told my mom to go to church and find friends.  That life is not about rioting at home but to enjoy.  Its been a hard year but good so far.

I will write about my sexual adventures later date. The lesson learned about these adventures is I  no longer enjoy them as I did a year ago.  I realized there is more to it for me.  I realized this is something I no longer want with a man that can not provide me the emotional connection I need before and afterwards.  I did give it a shot for I do feel he is the perfect one to do this with.  We have an amazing sexual connection but I don’t think he realizes that is not enough.   This last one kind of put a nail on the coffin and not sure how to even get it back.  I do know that I want it to be part of my life but with someone who truly will appreciate it and will be with me through the thick and thin.  As much as Alan wishes it would be him only, he can not provide what I truly seek so you can say it will be a while till my next sexual adventure.  This last one gave me such a bitter taste, that I walked out in the middle of oral plus it didn’t help that he did have the most ugliest dick I ever seen.  I always heard of ugly  dicks but this one took first place.   I literally just got dressed and walked out.  Alan along side of me but still this one made me realize what I need before and afterwards and Alan can not provide it.  He is to busy being a good husband that he didn’t even see the pain within me.  He didn’t see that I was planning of walking out of his life expect that I couldn’t go through it and we are still together. I do see this as something we both were willing to sacrifice to please each other, that is why it got as far as it did  but sacrifice for each other desire just made a bond that isn’t allowed.  I just want to please Alan, give him one last adventure with me.  To see if I could go through it alone for that is how I felt.  Alone, I set this all up with minimal contact with Alan.  Honesty, I missed the texts,the call, the arousal he would give me.   I did it because  I wanted to see if I had the guts to be Unicorn as they say in the swinging world but I can’t I truly have changed in this aspect of myself.  I want a companion someone to hold my hands when we start planning till we are both alone enjoying the adventure we just had.  Tears just slide down my eyes as I think of the pain I went through but I figured if I just got really pissed off at Alan for making me do all the work and for leaving me right afterwards that I could just shut this door up instead he was with me and held my hand.  We laughed about it.  Not the outcome I was expecting.

In the last 30 days, I been pulling away from Alan.  It hurts like nobody business but we are down to 10 min calls every other day.   He is trying not to get caught or make his situation at home worse.  His wife caught him again but this time there is consequences to pay.  I was already having issues with him and there is issues that must be dealt with.  However, I hate not hearing from him as I used to.  I hate that this time it is different.  I know he does not want to lose me but he also wants me there.  I really need to write what has been happening the last 30 days and why my life is taking another change.   I just cant stop feeling let down.  I can not tell you how tired I am of this situation.  It has come to the point where I could no longer be happy with someone who gives me the minimal and who needs to be good otherwise he can not play.  The thing is I am the stupid one for I been seeing him more since he got caught than before.   The thing is I am no longer his lover I have  become his FWB and I am hating it.  Have I gotten that low that I no longer have the self respect as I once did.  Before there was always texts and calls now there is practically nothing and I hate the tears that slide down my cheeks even as I write this down.  I know that I got to keep myself strong but not even sure how this is going to turn out.  I just don’t get how to let go of someone you love?  How do I let go of the man that is poisoning me? How do I let go of someone that the connection does not allow me to just walk away?