Sad return

27 May

I was doing good when it came to Alan. When he first arrived he texted me to let me know he was home safe. It was funny but I could feel his return. I knew before he told me he was back actually the night before I felt his return, I could sense that he was coming home. How the hell can a connection be that strong, how can my senses be so alert when it comes to him. He didn’t tell me when he would be home and I never asked so it scares me that our connection could be that strong to sense when the other is close. I was prepared all day not to answer and trying real hard by ignoring my phone and keeping it out of reach. However, the text did come in and I ignored it. He didn’t know I had cancelled my trip because I got to involved in building my own walk in closet in my home!! YYAAAYYY!!! Proud to say that I did one hell of a great job, for a first timer and this weekend the shelves go up. It was sure way of keeping me away from my phone and distracted me from thinking of him. Ok, Ok, Ok, back to Alan.

I ignored it but than I heard it again and he is telling me that he knows I probably will not get his message because I am on my trip. I figured good it buys me time. Than the first call comes in I ignore it but still when I heard his voice I knew that I would be back on that slope before I could even find the rope to help me climb higher and to get away. I hate that I missed him despite everything that is going on. I answered his call and of course, I hear about his vacation and how much fun he had and I told him I was glad for him that I am happy that he got a chance to visit a new place and that he explored it. He told me that him and his wife ended up in a honeymoon resort but that he was difficult because his wife and him are not romantic anymore. I had a hard time believing that, how the heck can you not be romantic at all so it felt awkward to hear that part because there is no way you can not be romantic in place that is meant just for that. However, he told me he missed me and that he crossed to many lines with me during his vacation. At first I did not understand what he meant but than I wished I never asked. He said he let his thoughts go somewhere that they shouldn’t have, somewhere where he does not allow them to go. He felt inappropriate having any thoughts of me during his vacation because that time belong to his wife. He must have gone to fantasy land where we are not allow to go when it comes to affairs maybe that is why he kept saying he was crossing the line. He sounded guilt, I was surprised. I told him he shouldn’t have thought of me at all especially where his thoughts were going. He claims, he kept wishing I was there with him and if I would have enjoyed it as much as him. He never really has cross the line of fantasying about us maybe sexually but anything else is taboo for both of us. He has been in vacation before without and never really expressing that he wanted me there. He was sounded depressed because of it. He told me he knew with me that I would have enjoyed the beaches and the sunsets, plus exploring the city. He claims that him and his wife had many arguments during this trip which is also a first, but than his daughter did not go with him this time to be the peacemaker. I am had a hard time believing that as well and took everything he said with grain of salt. I am having a hard time believing anything he says right now yet, part of me felt sorry for him. He claims that there were many times he wished he would have contacted me but that his phone screen broke and that he couldn’t really see his screen. He does not know I saw that he checked his email besides that he did text me when he returned.

I have the feeling Alan is going through some major turmoil as I am as well. I think we both know that we are holding on to a string that has no end. We are both messed up and afraid to let each other go but this has been going on for a while. We both know the changes that our happening and can not be avoid either I think we are in our point of our lives where decision’s need to be made. Who will start the no contact, right now I just taking that call took me back to wanting him, and knowing me I will probably take another call as it comes. I’ve been bittersweet about the call. I hate that I want him so much and yet knowing that he is my drug of choice can also kill me emotionally. I hate that I wasn’t strong enough not to ignore it. I just don’t understand what is happening or why we can not make an easy break. He knows that I am not staying home waiting for him but than he never did ask me so I think this is the dagger that is causing all the issues because maybe for the first time he is realizing there is more to me than he ever thought he could handle. He probably realizing that I am making myself more available. He probably realizes I am not completely his as I know he can never be mine.

another day another disappointment….

19 May

Not sure why I am surprised and why I am disappointed. I guess seeing that Alan is checking his email, yet he has no time to send me a quick note. I know that I shouldn’t expect it but still its a disappointment for me. I not sure why I even thought that this time he would send me a quick note. However, wasn’t I suppose to start the NC I guess I am being pushed that way. Maybe a part of me wanted to hear from him saying he misses me, so I wouldn’t have to go that route but apparently I guess I am not being missed and its better this way. I feel that I am being overdramatic and this is not me. I shouldn’t care if he does or not but I do.

I just have to realize that this is good for me even though I feel like my heart is being ripped from me. I won’t email him or let him know what is going on for its only for me to know and not him. I just know since the dating site we haven’t been able to go over the hump so I guess you can say that this should make me stronger but it hasn’t. I guess one day at a time and each day that passes makes it harder yet, easier for my decision.

Opening my doors…

18 May

Alan left Friday and before he left, I felt he was trying to make me feel guilty. It was funny because he tried to tell me to be good and to be safe. Yet, he tells me he burn all his bridges (other women) and that he gave it up all for me. I replied by saying yes, maybe you did but you sure as heck, try to rebuild them with your dating site. Of course, he did not like my response. He claims he is mad that I would think differently about him. He does not know I have the email that shows him giving away his phone number to another woman. He asked me again to delete his profile but I am refusing, I figure you got into this you figure it out. I don’t care what he says I know the truth. All I want is “Honesty” but instead I am supposed to feel guilty which I don’t. My only guilt is that I am in love with a married man who does not deserve it.

I saw that he sign in to his email while he is gone, this kind of hurt but knew that he is with his wife enjoying his vacation time, that I have respect for and would not want to interfere. I just feel that if you have time to check your email than you have time to send me a note. BTW: he does not know that I can do that, checked if he has gotten into his email, I know that is bad but I need this to keep me real. Besides I am not using it against him but for myself to pull way from him, to keep it real and not be fooled again. However, I do know that I am not his priority but as much as I hate to say it stung. So I decide to do something I haven’t done in a while. I guess you can say I react differently than most women, and why I need to meet someone stronger than me to keep me from misbehaving.

I sign up for a weekend of Oasis, where you meet and greet new couples who like to swing. One of my ex-FWB out of the blue posts something about a weekend in SD and lets have fun and explore. I texted him and wanted to know more information. I told him if I go I will be going alone and wanted to know when him and his wife would be there. He was eager to give me the information. He tells me that he is surprised that I am willing to go alone but told him, not ready to show this side of myself to anyone and that I am there to see and explore. I am not sure if I will join but I am willing to see and walk into the dark side of my sexual being. I am realizing I do not need someone to do this with and I must be crazy to do this by myself, however it would be nice, if I did have someone to share this with. Am I asking for trouble probably but knowing me I will enjoy this very much besides that I feel I am using my hurt constructively.

I always wanted to do something as crazy as that and why not? I am single and I find it arousing to see others Fuck and enjoy each other. I am not there to meet a man I am there to explore my options and what it would be to go in there full blown for a weekend of pure sex. To bad I can not wear a mask all weekend, I do not want anyone to recognize me later on. I never knew that swingers actually had these kind of event so close by I knew about the cruises but not weekend of pleasures. I am nervous but figure there is no harm in going under the dark side as long as I keep it to myself and understand fully what I am getting into. Will I fuck another not sure yet but I do know that I am taking my favorite toys and will enjoy myself if I do not meet anyone interesting enough which I highly doubt. However, knowing my friend and his wife I doubt I will be using my toys but will be using him to satisfy my needs. Alan hates him to because he knows I enjoy this man and his company. He knows that I like this man very much and that I am sexually attracted to him even though he is married, his wife does give me a hall pass and I have fucked him before and enjoyed it very much. I might as well use this hall pass, he is excited for he has been wanting to take me to one of these functions once I told him I am curious of it. However, I feel if am not Alan priority that why should I make him mine, why should I have to wait to discover my sexual side. Why should I give him all the power over my sexual desires if he can not even send me a note. I know that is sound stupid to let something as small as that get to me but its the meaning behind it. I know I shouldn’t be expecting but I think that’s not to much to ask for. I wanted an email saying he misses me so instead I get a weekend of sexual pleasure and adventure. and I do not see any harm in that. As far as I know maybe he will disappeared on me when he returns. I know that I probably sound self destructive but what I am doing is letting him go. I am hoping I follow through my plan too. I have changed so much I am hoping this is what I need to go explore and discover myself without being intimate with anyone plus learning the side of me that only Alan knows but now I am opening the door to let others see this side of me. Will my friend and his wife take me there heaven knows but I am willing to open my door and discover this mini adventure.

Lovers to FWB

15 May

I did go see Alan this week. However, it was not the same for some reason we are both having a hard time, not sure why, or why him. I felt like we were just there to take care of our needs and nothing else. I felt like we went from Lovers to FWBs, can that really be possible. I had to do some thinking afterwards and realize that I can not do that to myself I can not go back to how it was in the beginning of our relationship. In the beginning, he would call me a thief at night for I would come, fuck and leave as soon as he fell asleep. I wouldn’t have bother to spoon or be too intimate with him. I would just wait till he was snoring, I would grab my clothes and leave quietly. However, after these emotions that got involved, it’s impossible to go into the past behavior. I trying hard to not listen to my heart but it’s telling me that I can not let him go, yet I know that this would cause me severe damage to my well being. I am so confused, so messed up and this is not me. I am in control, not him. I need answers that I know can not be answered. I keep asking myself why? Why did he have to open that site? Why him, when I got choices? He is not the best man I ever dated I had better, known better, why did my heart choose him?

When I saw him it was like two friends that just needed the sexual relief, yet a relief to know that we are both there. However, our habits did change prior to his arrival. It was not the same. You could feel the difference between us. We were pleasant and enjoyed each other however, we hardly spoke to each other. We just held each other and hardly no words were spoken. We would make love but afterwards, we just held each other with no words were exchanged. If we talked it was general. When it was time to leave we both just didn’t want get up and get dressed. We laid there naked, spooning each other, letting our hands enjoy the touching, the caressing of each other, listening to our breathing, wondering what the other was thinking. When we said good byes, we parted as friends, a hug that felt more like a brotherly hug than one of lovers. What does this mean? I never done this before with anyone else. Is this our way of letting go? Is the adult version of no drama. I don’t understand for the first time in my adult hood I felt like a teenager trying to figure out what my next move will be, what his initiations are. Trying to figure out why the changes, I know what caused the changes. Is this time apart really going to end us.

I felt like we were more like friends than lovers. I felt that he is hoping I would settle for FWB but I can’t, I can be his friend but without the benefits, to be his FWB that’s impossible.

He is leaving tonight to his vacation. I wasn’t expecting any phone calls. He already had told me that he was going to be to busy and that he wouldn’t have time. I wished him well. Yet, I got a call each day since Tuesday when we parted. He tried to make excuses why he wouldn’t be able to contact me during his vacation. I squashed his excuses, he didn’t realize my BFF travels and will contact me no matter where he is at and Alan hates this man but honestly, I don’t give a hoot ass if he does, however, do not make lame excuses to me. I just hope that I can take this time to figure it all out and figure out the NC without causing me to much pain before he arrives back home because right now I just feel like crying and I haven’t even started it. It’s going to be hard but there is no way I can go back to being FWB, No way!!!

What to do??

11 May

I been thinking a lot of Alan and the changes in our relationship just took these past weeks. I realized that one of the main reasons we both can not move forward is because we are both not ready to let go. We try to pull away from each other and try to not let our emotions get involved but that’s to late. We can not seem to be able to walk away even though we both know that there is a chance of another person coming into our lives either him or I. I keep thinking why can I not just stop contacting him, why can he not stop contacting me. He is leaving this week and looking forward to these days of no contact so maybe I can make the right decision and walk away before he comes back. He also hates that I will be going on a trip because he wants to be with me but there is nothing he can do and he knows this. I think we both are realizing that we are hating that we can not be more than we are but nothing we can do about it. Maybe that is the issue. One of the things I realizing is probably disappearing is one of the things we would need to to do for each other. I know that disappearing can hurt if there is no explanation but we both are not strong enough to let each other go, so I believe that it will have to be up to me. I know disappearing is the worse way to part ways but I feel I don’t have a choice or maybe I do. I honesty, don’t think we can stay friends there is to much that will pull us back in. I am already treating this as one day at a time and living for the moment but what is happening is, he is the moment I am waiting for and that’s not healthy either. There is already a lot of hurt and pain I can not seem to let it go that he join the dating site but than I wonder how he must feel that I am available to date and hears my stories of going out. The pain is overwhelming but I know that I need to be able to move forward, I just don’t have the strength. There is many changes coming my way which is giving me more freedom to be able to find a companion or new activities. He will never be available for me especially since his work is demanding and so is his wife.

I trying not to see him this week he asked me but its hard especially since I know the moment I see him I will belong to him once more or that it might be our last visit, yet I will not be able to say no. I haven’t decided what to do and I been in a fog for a while and I need to clear it up before he comes back. He tells me he has turmoil, he tells me he wishes he could be my everything but knows that he will never be. I can feel his turmoil that he wishes to be at my side but knows that it can never be. Yet, we are each others drug of choice. I hate that what we have is a connection I can not explain and one that is not easy to let go, yet not strong enough to survive this affair much longer. He does not know that my turmoil is for the first time I want more and that I know he can never be that yet, I can not accept him not being part of my life.

So what to do? Is it the end and we are just avoiding it, I can not answer that and neither can he expect that we both are accepting the changes that we both know can not be avoided what it will be I don’t know but I am taking the time when he is gone to clear up my mind and soul. I just wish I had a crystal ball to see what the future holds for us.

Realization

4 May

I trying to stay positive that I will be able to work myself out of this dilemma/addiction. I actually went out to dinner by myself, it was the first in a long time since I did that and since Alan thinks everything is good between us I am noticing his behaviors but this time I see it differently. I am noticing many things since we started talking again last week, things that before where acceptable but not anymore. However, this time I am taking things with stride. I do have screen shots where he gave his number out and email from the dating site. Which is helping me desensitize from the situation yet, I can not completely let him go, it does help me in making me realizing that I must move forward in a weird way it brings me back to realization. When he tries to sweet talk me I go back to those screen shots to remind me he’s a lair. He wants us to go back to the way we were but its hard this time for my attitude has changed. I want to believe his words but know deep inside he is hoping that I just forget but I just can’t. I think we both know that we are each other’s drug and that it’s hard to just let go.

Yet, I am upset that I didn’t have the strength to have no contact with him. I guess I just have to wait till he is gone to see if I can wean myself. I hate realizing how much I open myself to him and that some how I had put him up above myself and yet, that he does not belong up there. When did I let this happen, I am not sure for I never done anything remotely what I have with anyone else. I never given myself to anyone and that’s the part that hurts. He does own part of my desires and wants but he does not deserve them. Yet, I realize that I can not or want to share this with anyone else. I have accepted that I love him and that letting him go is a painful. I never felt like I do with anyone else or let anyone get to know me as he has but can I honesty believe that he will be mine. I feel like I am in a crosswords and not sure which path to take. I can’t deny the feelings he brings me but I know deep inside what he did any normal woman would have not tolerated and would walk away. I just don’t have the strength to let go of the man I love. I know it says out there when you love someone you are suppose to accept his ways but honesty, I am having a hard time accepting his dating site even though he still claims nothing came out of it. The right choice would be to let him go but I am realizing I just can’t. I keep telling myself when am I going to close this chapter of my life but I have the feeling that this chapter is not going to be done any day soon.

On the positive side, I am going on my first date and worried that Alan will invade my mind. I am hoping that I do not bring him up or that I speak of what has happen. I do know that I am planning in enjoying it but I been so horny, so I am hoping that I do not sleep with this guy because I want to be able to met my needs and Alan hasn’t be available. I told the guy to take it slow with me. He does know that Alan is part of my life but I made it clear that we are trying to work things out and he understands. He even thinks it would be awesome if all of us because friends and that we can travel together, date and do stuff. He claims wouldn’t it be amazing to have two men always available for me at all times. I just want one to love me like I should be loved. I am not very thrilled that this man knows about my sexual side. I feel that he must think he will get lucky with me but what I do find him attractive, he is aggressiveness, witty and I enjoy a guy who is like that. He knows my heart belongs to Alan he has expressed it and is willing to accept it as long as he has a shot with me. Yet, I am not thrilled about going out with him. It even makes me feel guilty that I am doing it behind Alan’s back since before all of this we were so honest with each other.

It does make me sad that I am going out for the wrong reasons but its a start and all I have to do is going back to the screen shots and remind myself why I must go on with my life. Even though Alan is my drug of choice I have to remember that this drug is not worth the pain I am feeling.

Roller Coaster ride…

30 Apr

I can’t seem to get off this ride. I even tried to read my prior blogs to give me strength. I felt like I was being hit by a freight train. I lost weight. I couldn’t stop crying within myself. I had to pretend everything is well so nobody could see what I was feeling. I feel like an idiot. A woman who just bitches and complains but does nothing about it to change the circumstances. We didn’t talk for about a week, a week, I know I know but than Saturday Morning at 5:30 am I get my first text. I didn’t answer, I tried not to answer, I was in deep thought. I just know living without him was going to be one hell of a ride. I wondered too if he would be able to live without me. I just don’t understand the heaviness on my chest. The numbness I felt. I never allowed myself to fall for anyone. I stayed away from having an emotional ties with anyone so why him. I guess I grew up. I ended up answering him after several hours. I just responded back… I don’t know how to respond.

The text he sent at 5:30 in the morning saying I hurt him as well when I told him I could no longer to sexual adventures with him, that it belongs to someone who I can be seriously committed too. He said he can not believe that I said he didn’t deserve my sexual desires. However, he claims he did not want to lose me but if that has to be it than it should be. That he does not want to lose our friendship. He claims that he is willing to accept what I can give him. For three days he kept inviting me but I declined. At the end I went again. I told him if we stay together it needs to be only sexual because the emotional part shouldn’t be messed with anymore. I know I deserve better but why does it feel like a roller coaster ride with no breaks as I am going to fly to never land.

So here I am happier than I was a week ago for I did end up continuing the relationship but much stronger because this time I will have control. He is my greatest love but I will no longer let him see my emotions I have for him. He will no longer be the person he was once to me. I just cant deal with the pain I was feeling and couldn’t understand the anxious feeling. However, while he was gone I reconnected with the guy we had a threesome with last year. He asked me out and since I figured he knows what I like I wonder if we will be compatible. I have no high expectations. He has been texting me. What will happen I don’t know but his time I am planning on saying more Yes’s that before.

I know I probably disappointed many, I was kind of afraid to blog about it. I guess you can call me a stupid but its hard to let go of this, harder than anything I had to do. I am just weak when it comes to him. In a way I am happy he is leaving for 10 days and we will not be communicating so maybe I can do it than but for now. I just want to enjoy him even if it means just sexually but its hard to let go of the person who control my desires and my heart.

Dealing….

21 Apr

I went to see Alan on Friday. It was hard I didn’t really make up my mind till Thursday night. I probably shouldn’t have gone but one thing that I do is give one last great Fuck one you’ll remember me with and to hear the lame excuses, I needed answers. I was nervous. My friend kept telling me not to sleep with him teach him a lesson but isn’t that what most women do and why men go searching some where else because we want to teach a lesson and reframe from having sex. I know I am not wired normal but I always felt that why should I punish a man with sex when in reality you are punishing yourself. However, I wanted answers and one last Fuck!!

Of course, he tried to say it was a game at first and that he was pulling away from me. He said that he couldn’t help it because the women were beautiful. He claims that he does not want to risk losing me. He admits he wishes I would only belong to him, that he could some how give me everything I deserve, the relationship, the traveling companion, going to bed with him every night, dinners, blah blah. Yet, in the same breath he tells me to go look for someone who truly deserves me, someone who can give me what I want, someone who I can travel with and enjoy the company with. He wants me to find someone because he knows he can never give me what I deserve. Here I give him the most credit for he has never lied about it. He did most of the talking I just basically listen and of course, massaged his feet cause that’s how I listen and try to comprehend, plus it makes a good use of your hands, plus it keeps me calm. He claimed he is more fucked up in the mind because he never thought we would evolved and basically, he is hoping that I would get over it and we can continue to get close. Yet, in the same time wants me to say yes, to the man who will love me as I deserve. He claims as much as he hates the idea and wants me to belong to him, he knows he can never be more. But yet, if I do he wants me to share my sexual experiences with him and one I refuse to do and will not do. I told him when I decide to give myself to someone I will not tell him about our sexual desires for they will not be part of him.

I know that I did real good in listening and making him feel that everything was OK. I was the perfect mistress. I basically told him I will not be doing any more sexual adventures with him. That that part of me will belong to someone who seriously be committed to me. That my sexual desires will no longer be his, that I am not even sure what our next step will be. He responded that he lives for the moment with me and that’s what I did. I fucked him and lived the moment but I fucked him as this would be the last time. I remember him telling me, looking into my eyes and saying that he knew we both would be OK. That at that moment he felt right, that things would be right between us and that we haven’t lost the connection, that we were still making love and yet fucking. Expect for me it was more of letting myself go and living at the moment. Of course, the wife called so I had to leave and I was high so not a good combination, usually I wait and sober up but I didn’t have enough time to do that and it helped me realize why I must end this for both of us.

As I left I told him I will always be his friend and I meant it at that time. However, for me it has changed and made me realize that it is over between us. I didn’t receive a text or a call asking me if I made it home safe (a first for him) and remember I got a long drive. It made me realize that night that it is over that I am just tired of it all. I let my emotions get the best of me and I shouldn’t have fallen in love with a man that could not be mine. But what really sealed the deal was on Sunday. I went onto his profile and noticed he sent out a email giving his number to a woman with his phone number attached. It’s funny how I took his call earlier but sensed it again and I am glad I follow my 6th sense. I screen shot it and keeping it on my phone to remind me why I must continue to end things between us. I realized that once he started lying that I am done. We really haven’t talked since Sunday and I ignoring his calls. I am not ready to block him or delete our texts, emails. However, I did take him off my favorites, it’s a small step but one that needed to be done. I was actually thinking of putting his screen shot to remind me why not to answer but afraid my daughter might see it and I would have to do some explaining that I am not ready for.

I just got to keep reminding myself that this pain is not one of love but of anguish of losing the one thing that made me feel loved and special again. I working on keeping myself busy thank God that I know I wont get tempted to see him any day soon because he is my greatest love affair and I need to stay away and it helps that he will be leaving with his wife to a 10 day vacation. I do hope this girl does answer him and keeps him away from me. Even though he knows and has said that what we have is different unique one he has never felt before I do hope he finds what he is looking for. As painful as it is to say those words I need to be stronger. I almost got tempted in fucking group Sunday night, actually I would have been involved in some sexual experience with 5 men and 2 women but right now for the first time I just don’t feel like having sex with anyone. That’s the part that scares me the most, I always been sexual but it seems Alan took over that part. I never knew letting someone go who had control over my sexual desires would be so hard.

Alan does not know about my screen shot and I know he senses me right now. However, I have to break this connection no matter what, this connection does not belong to him or me. He ruined it. I am not his wife or his girlfriend to have to tolerate it and work through it. I am just someone who fucked him and enjoyed him for what it was at that moment.

Update…
I forgot to added that while he was telling me he cant give me what I deserve, to go find one who can but than he added that he does not want me to find someone. I don’t get why tell me not to find someone when on Sunday he is already sending out his number. I think he is more messed up than me and needs to figure it all out cause I don’t think he knows what he wants anymore.

Life is been one huge dark cloud…

14 Apr

I haven’t been around because life is really kicking my ass right now. I not sure when the sun will shine but lately its been raining cats and dogs. I have had so many negatives in my life that I wondering if this new house is causing some negative changes I wasn’t expecting. Anything that could go wrong has gone wrong but the hardest part is that Alan and I have been having major issues and I not sure what to do.

I have gone into a dark world and trying real hard to crawl out of it but every time I take the positive steps forward something pushes me back. I been crying and can not stop. I break down almost everyday. I trying real hard to keep the sunshine in my life but how can I, when it seems that the new house has jinx every thing from my car to the moving process to my relationship with Alan. There isn’t a day something has not gone wrong. I cry myself to sleep. I staying away from everyone even my blog. There has been times where I just wanted to write but I know that I would be in tears as I am now.

The hardest part is Alan and I not sure where we stand but I know the relationship has changed dramatically and trying real hard to accept it. However, I think I mention before that Alan started to go on a dating site but he started reaching out to other women. At first there was nothing but a few weeks ago he actually set up the profile and send out emails, which he never did get responses back. I felt like someone has just punched me hard. I felt stupid for I gave him a part of myself. I gave him more than he can ever return back. I gave him, me as I never done before with anyone else. I gave him a sexual adventures and yet, I got the shitty end of the stick. I know he does not and never will belong to me but you try to tell my heart differently. We haven’t seen each other in almost a month and every time I think of him my heart breaks even more. I haven’t decided what to do expect that this is the opportunity for me to walk away and yet, I can not walk away completely. Emotionally I am fucked up. Emotionally I am not sure how to deal with walking away. Every time I think about him I cry. He still trying to communicate with me and we do talk but I act like nothing but part of me has died. I told him that things did change and that I will no longer want to know what he is doing, I no longer want him to ask me questions of what I am doing. I no longer want to do sexual adventures with him. I can no longer belong to him. He wants to talk to me this Friday and that has me more fucked up because part of me does not want to go because I know that we will end up fucking but he does not deserve me. Am I going not sure, I am not sure what I want expect that I trying to deal with everything else that matters but at the same time he does but going to see him will set me back. He claims he was just playing around but honesty, that’s just bullshit. I know this and not even sure why I can’t just walk away either. I don’t want to believe that he has made me emotionally weak when it comes to loving another. I just know that since I moved into this new home my life has gone from being all sunshine to a very rainy season.

Five minute calls

17 Mar

Started Monday

It’s funny how many men I met this weekend and the one I chose to hump and dry on the dance floor is married one. I was upset and I was letting it out on the floor. Yet, it was more of a power trip thing with me without Alan actually know it, only because he couldn’t give me my five minute, I know he does not have to, so I wanted to prove to myself that I could actually find someone for sex, yet, I didn’t act on it. I kept thinking of Alan and how he tries to dominate me but is unable to. He says I am a challenge that I will not do what he wants but then how can he, when if we are lucky will talk about 5 minutes a day or every other day, Ok maybe 6 minutes. How can one dominate the other if you are not there for the rest of the time? Don’t get me wrong when he is horny and he is able to text he will. However, since the last incident the texting has gone down to practically nothing and when that happens I start thinking. I know that he gets irritated that I go out and especially alone but if you are doing to try to dominate me you need to be at my side otherwise I will push my limits. Just like a brat I will behave as one and see how far I will overstep my boundaries but then I started thinking I don’t really have any boundaries. I am single and available. I don’t have someone standing behind me telling everyone I belong to them. I didn’t tell Alan anything, expect little parts here and there about my night, but honesty what can you really say in five minutes. I didn’t tell him I was dancing the night away with a married man and that I had a couple whom I could have had sex with as well. I just enjoyed it for what it was and I had a blast but then it got me thinking.

Married men who wants to dominate their lover, how can they meet all of their needs if there is no actually time to even spend together or they are part time lovers? Or maybe, its only Alan who has no time. I know that I tried dating sites and have had men who tried to dominate over emails and I just laugh. I also thank God from other bloggers that have helped me really know, how a really gentleman is supposed to behave especially since I am new entering this. I know for a very long time that I need someone stronger than me but at the same time I need consistent supervision. He actually told a couple that he is not my dom that I was submissive so in a way he opened my eyes and gave me away all at once. In a way he is right, he can’t really dominate me outside the bedroom and I will not let a five minute call control me either. I need so much more and these are the changes he will not like. He knows that I am not closing my door but then I was thinking, how is Alan going to react when I do meet that special person who will not only dominate me in the bedroom but outside as well. Will there be power struggle here between them both. Will Alan be able to handle it if I met someone who will dominate me and teach me not to push my limits in a degree of misbehavior? I told him many times that I am looking for someone stronger than me, someone who will be able to control me, someone who will be possessive of me who will allow me to grow yet, stop my behavior. I don’t need someone to take over my life but someone who will guide me.

Present…

Sometimes I wonder if Alan has ESP, I know that I been missing him and when this happens I usually start wondering why do I even stay. I hate missing him so much and I know that I need to keep on going. I keep telling myself that he is not the one for me even though I can feel he is. I fight those feelings for I do not want to end up being his lover for years to come for something that will never truly satisfy me. However, Last night he texted me, I was surprised and thought he was at work and figured he would just call me on the way home. I guess he was off and at home. We sexted for a little while but I wasn’t really feeling it since I been thinking that I am no longer happy with five minute calls, seeing him every few weeks especially once I move there will be no way of me to be able to masturbate (no privacy for several weeks) and I don’t think I can handle being celibate for a several weeks and knowing I have a lover that will not be available for my needs. I was thinking how a man expects a woman to just wait for a call that might not come or expect her not to find someone who will give her what she needs. I was wondering doesn’t he wonder that because he can’t give me the attention somebody else will. Does he really have that much confidence that what we have will out weight the fact that I need more than a part time lover that because I am missing him also makes me wonder, ache to have someone of my own. I don’t expect him to leave his wife. I always will stand behind that and reality is he will never be able to give me what I want but when we were sexting. We were talking about our connection and why he wants to share me with others and yet, I was not thrilled for the last time we spend time together (3 weeks on Sunday) is when we did that couple and honesty, I do not like dealing with the after. Not having someone to share those moments with me to relive them actually I am losing interest in doing them with him only because I want that intimacy of being able to relive it with someone who is actually in my bed and not a five minute call.

He uses the word irreplaceable that what we have is irreplaceable and he probably right but it can be replaced with something better more satisfying to my needs. I do understand that this connection that I have with him will be hard to replace but it can be replaced. Irreplaceable is a very strong word, which I truly believe that Alan and I have, will make it difficult to find another. However, in my circumstance I am single and willing to have someone of my own so how can that word really fit in with him and I when eventually he will be replaced with someone who can truly give me what I need. I know that I am missing him and that this is where I need to be strong and realize that I must keep on looking but it sucks when you are in love with someone who can never be yours.