Tag Archives: cheating

Not sure if I am back….

10 Nov

As we know I haven’t felt like writing. I basically had shut down but all of suddenly today I got the urge to write. So if I don’t make sense since understand I am about to throw it all up.

This summer was an awakening, it made me realize that life is short and long. That we must decided what is best for us and what is not. I know that I felt like I was a broken record player when it came to Alan. There were times where I wanted to write but was afraid of what I might read. There was times where I wanted to shut down the blog. I even took a small mini vacation to try to find myself. I was coming up to our 6 year anniversary and I know we are not spending it together as matter fact I will not be seeing Alan for about a month minimal.

The thing is I know I can not give advice to others if I can not take my own advice. So I stopped writing on others blogs. I felt my words were empty, no meaning. When my grandfather died it was a heartbreak for they had one of those love stories that make you hope for love. He died missing his love. His own heartbreak killed him and it hit me hard. I always dreamed of finding their special love, I know I did find it but the wrong time. However, I continue to fight for my freedom of being able to continue being my own individual till this day I still argue and fight for my independence you figure how can a grown woman still fight for her independence but in my culture, you are suppose to give up your life to help with your parents and I refuse. Still refusing, there were times I just want to find the first man I met and marry him because I knew this was the only way I could survive. I was going down big time because I didn’t want to give up my freedom to do as I wish. So I started going out every weekend and any chance I had just to piss everyone off including Alan even if he has no say in it. I refused to give up my weekends to be with my parents. I refused to give up any of my time for my parents. I knew the moment I give up a little I would be swallowed in and finding no escape and there my life would be doomed. I knew that I would have to give up on the idea of finding love, finding who I was. So instead I fought and argued with anyone who wanted to take away the freedom I had. I was not going to cater to parents who were healthy and still had a life to live. So what does a grown woman do when they want to anchor her down. She goes crazy and acts like she is a young 18 year old. Oh boy!! and I am having fun again but this time I can afford it.

However, at the same time I was dealing with the 6 year coming up and I knew leaving Alan was not going to be an option for me but at the same time I knew that he was not the one to grow old with. He already has someone else, so what do you do when you are stuck and you know that even when you have no future with someone you need to find someone so that your parents do not feel the need to invade your life. I knew I didn’t want to settle either. I did not get my independence to depend on a man to pull me away from my culture. I stood up and have been.

I know that I was worried that if I didn’t find my solution soon I was going to spiral down but at the same time I knew I did not want to be one of those lovers who been with a married man for 25 years, or the cynical single woman hating taking care of her parents, either. So what do you do? I open my options more and found more ways to discover something new each week. I found new places to hang out and found that I am having fun with it as well. Yet, in the back of my mind Alan still stands there holding my heart there has been big waves coming our way but honesty, I know that I felt that my blog was becoming a broken record player. I felt that each month he would hurt me and than I would brush it off. I know that he has never made me a promise of growing old together but at the same time I was still hoping he would. I know that he will never leave his wife but still hoping he would choose me.

I know he will always choose his wife and that soon it will be 6 years and since I know we can never end this bond that holds us together. There is a connection between us that is remarkable but it is no longer good enough I need to continue to explore. He has slacked off because he knows this bond this connection will keep me where I am at but one thing I realized him slacking off has made me crave for attention. My parents pushed me to crave the arms of another. I am tired of doing this all alone and it is time to open my door wider.

Alan does not realize that he is one of the main reasons I keep opening my door an inch wider each time. He hates that I am out there exploring finding new ways of having fun. He wont admit it. I have gotten myself into some adventures and I am having fun with it, yes, I do worry that I might end up in a ditch but who cares, if God wants to take me than let him. I am not made to sit at home and rot. I am made to explore and enjoy. Alan tells me nothing good happens after midnight and my response is than you should be at my side. He tries to tell me that if I would like it if he behaved that way I am. I respond by telling him it would never happen because I wouldn’t leave my man alone to get into temptation, I would stand right next to him. He is hating it but honesty, when you are to busy for me than I am too busy to wait no matter what the connection is. When you need to stop kissing me so much because of swollen lips than I will find someone who I can kiss and not worry if I do. When you choose not to call because you need to be left alone, than you should understand I will pay attention to the one who does not want to be left alone but needs my company to make it better. We all choose our lives and I know my connection with him is stopping me but my disappointment is bring me encouragement.

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Part 1 – Weekend of realities…

7 Jul

I started this last week but been so busy to finish it…

I had to take a few days to recoup before I started writing about my adventurous weekend. It was an eye opener and made me realize that my reality is not where Alan is.

On the first night, we met and decided what bars to hit. I told him that when finding a stranger it takes time and I must be in the mood and that means a few drinks and less pot. He still wanted to smoke and honesty, I am not used to smoking when going out in public. We go to our first bar and it was dead, total of 5 people, we had one beer and left. However, first reality I noticed that he walked ahead of me. He did not wait by my side instead walked ahead of me. Did not open the door he probably did not even realize I was still in the bar. I was talking to the bartender asking her what nights she recommends to return, when she even noticed he didn’t wait for me and said your date just left. However, I was more interested in coming back and getting the information I needed, I will return back to this place alone. However, I was bothered that he did not open the door or that he didn’t wait for me or that he even didn’t hold my hands. I know that it’s against the rules to hold hands in public but I choose this place because it was in a private area and nobody would see us. We go to the second bar; we stepped in and then stepped out. No way would I have stayed in a smelling place as that one. Yuckie!! We went to our favorite place before going to our the last bar I had planned on, we always enjoy dinner there and well, he had his second beer and so did I. In the middle of dinner, he started to feel sick and felt the room spin so we go home. We had sex and he fell asleep before 8:30 pm. I was in shock because I was just starting my evening. I started to text my friends at that hour asking them what they were doing I was not tired and I had been up since 430am. I guess the texting bothered him because he asked me, what is that noise and who was I texting.

However, the second reality hit me again, I am not sure if his way of sleeping is meant for me but we slept opposite’s side of the bed. We spoon for about 5 minutes and he rolled over to his corner and I did mine. Not good at all, I am a cuddlier and if I hadn’t had anyone in my bed for years and all of suddenly I am sleeping with someone I believe in spooning throughout the night. I want to cuddle up to the person not necessary in twine but where you at least within reach. This bothered me. I guess this is how he sleeps with his wife and maybe because there is no intimacy that this is the way of sleeping but not for me. I wasn’t happy. However, in the morning he came back for some spooning and morning sex.

I let him do some work and I start getting ready for our day. It was a very pleasant day and one of the things I realized I miss not holding hands. It was a very good day very pleasant nothing really said about anything. We had lunch on the beach and just enjoyed each others company. When we were walking on the beach and I would see other couples holding hands I craved it. He did claim he wished he could hold my hands but did not want to risk getting caught. I realized right there that I need more. As we walked on some rocks and sat there I wanted to kiss him but didn’t because I knew better but moments like that made my reality of our relationship much more clear. In a way it was a reality check and bringing me back to reality of being the other woman. Even though we were having an awesome time small little things bothered me. I had the swinger’s party set up for that night but I wasn’t feeling it at all. I mean we had plenty of sex through out the day but I felt like something was missing. My next post will be about the party.

The next day we went out for breakfast somewhere I always wanted to take him. It was very pleasant and I let him do more work while I got dressed. Of course, I didn’t get far cause we ended up making love and we had a late start to our day. However, it was part of the sexual energy from the night before and how great of a time it was. It was another pleasant day we enjoyed each others company and even joked but still no holding hands. I felt that this is not something I am enjoying but than as the day progressed I noticed once we made it back home all he wanted to do was cuddle. He wanted me to be right next to him. I noticed that even though once again the night prior he slept on his corner of the bed that during the day if alone he would want to cuddle up and watch a movie. He kept me close to him claims that sometimes he wishes is wife would cuddle with him and that he is enjoying my head on his shoulders. We couldn’t stop having enough of each other. Even though the day before we were like bunny rabbits and even though we had sex the night before we were like on a marathon not willing to stop. I am surprised that I survived it. But there was just little signals in his private life that I noticed.

He probably got hurt with some of my words though. We talked about going to the nudist resort but told him I couldn’t take him because he wasn’t part of my real life and I didn’t want to explain who he was. I know that it stung and he apologized, I told him no worries but that his presences in my life can not be known for I do not want to be question I guess you can say he was in semi shock but understood. I guess he didn’t realize I do have a life that he has no part of just like I don’t to his. I knew that it stung but he accepted it but I feel that it left him thinking. I told him as far as everyone knows I am single. I think those words stung because after that he asked me who I was texting and I would just say friends. I know he saw that I got a few male callers but did not answer but texted instead. He started telling me who he was texting as if this would make me tell him what I was doing but I did not question him. Figured it really isn’t my business not that I was curious but honesty, after the dating site I realized that I shouldn’t be curious he does not belong to me and I have no rights to ask as he has no rights to ask me.

He really is used to doing things alone and that he really craves attention yet, will not ask. He will behave one moment as a friend would but than the next a lover. But what I really did notice was not once did we say we loved or liked each other. There was no loving words. There was times we were quiet and just enjoy each other but no need for words. Yet, we laughed so much and yet, there was an inner peace. This weekend was an eye opener to many new realities but the bottom line is I love affection and showing it, this was a different kind of experience one that gave me a lot to think of and realizing that reality is not with him.

Sexual adventures

17 Jun

I usually do not like writing in the evening cause I am to tired so forgive the mistakes but my mind can not stop thinking of my weekend with Alan that is coming soon. We usually do not get a weekend together and I am planning our sexual adventures for next weekend. I will be spending a lot of time with Alan. I know that I should not be the one planning these things but to be honesty, this way I feel in control. I know that I shouldn’t be doing this with him but he is the one. When I told him that I no longer wanted to do this with him I felt like someone had taken the wind out of me and it would not let me breath. He was the one that accepted it no matter what, he was willing to take it and realized that he lost that part of me. However, this does not define our relationship, yet, it is part of what we enjoy about each other. I love that he is so open-minded and enjoy his desire for me and the he is willing to explore.

These were all fantasies I mine but glad I had inspirational bloggers that got me thinking if they can why not me. M.

On our first night, I want to do another sexual adventure about finding a stranger and just blowing him, since he got so hot and bothered, I figured let him be my witness. This thought turns me on so much for it is fun to give a stranger a memory. However, when I am done with the stranger I get to be Fucked… now I call that a happy ending for me especially sine it will be Alan. He will see how naughty I can really be, if my mind is in the right form.

Second night go visit a club and hope that its decent and that we can go further than we did the first time. I do enjoy having people watch us. I enjoy the energy a club can create with the Alan, back ground, and setting it could be amazing. If we fuck another couple that’s ok but if we don’t it will still be amazing. I just want to enjoy in being somewhere naughty and letting myself go especially with him. I am just hoping I do not pick a dud.

Third night a couple, I am looking to find a couple otherwise visit another club. I know we did the couple before but that one was a big time dud and hoping this time I can actually pick the right couple who will not forget me in the adventure. I figure lets give that another try. Otherwise, let try another club and see where it takes us. Either way I hope we can do it all because moments like this do not come often and anything could happen.

I guess reading everyone’s adventures made me realize I need to bring that back to me. That is the part that I enjoyed and I haven’t really shown it. Alan gets glimpses of it but never really understood till now. I need to be able to bring that back to me. I know Alan will enjoy it and so will I. It be a weekend we won’t forget in a long time. Now I am just worried about the after math. Whatever happens I know that I want this weekend to be enjoyable and I will deal with the after math by myself.

Hope at a young age and old

11 Jun

I have been debating about what to write about since so much is happening in my life right now. With my daughter’s graduation coming to an end getting her set up for her next chapter in her life, I see how happy she is that she is done with high school and now looking forward to a new chapter in life. I see how excited that she is now going to be able to live her life more freely without the teachers and I pushing her to finish her first degree of many more to come. She has it all planned out to be done with college by the age of 24 be married by the age of 25 and have her babies before the age of 30, to live happily ever after. To see her plan her destiny makes me smile yet, sad that life is really not that easy. I had the same thoughts at her age and I got as far as having my last child at the age of 30, expect I wasn’t planning on being with someone who would emotionally and physically abuse (sexually, not physical) me. I never thought I would see myself at this age being a mistress or being in love with a man that could never belong to me. I pray that her life turns out better than mine that she truly does find that one man that would truly love her as she should be loved. That she does not go through heartache of infidelity, or of being bored in her relationship that she might fall in love with someone else besides her husband. Can you really prepare someone for these two events that could happen? I know nobody prepared me for this and sometimes I wish I had someone who would have forewarn me of it.

I know with me that wasn’t the case I never thought I would cheat on my ex roommate or that I would fall in love with a man that owns so much of me. I never was prepared to know that husbands can actually rape their wives or that there is so many emotional, mental games that are played by the ones you love. I wasn’t prepared that at this age I would at last find my soul mate the one I been looking for and wanted to believe in when I was younger. I never thought I would find the one who can connect with me as Alan has. I never thought I would meet the man that would actually complete me.

Alan is going through some kind of turmoil and not sure what it is since he won’t tell me and I am not asking but I could feel it. He has giving me short glimpses of it but I feel since his trip from his vacation something is eating him up. He knows I have changed and maybe he does not like my changes but it’s the only way to protect myself. We had a long discussion about how the dating site open my eyes to realizing that he is free to do what he wants as so am I. I told him I am planning in going to SD for a swingers convention with another couple but didn’t want to tell him who it was (he is very jealous of the man). Of course, he did not like it but what can he really do to stop me. I told him planning on a BBQ for my daughter and he asked if he could come, of course told him No, cause he is married. He asked again if he could meet my daughter told him once again he is married and that was impossible. Sometimes I wonder if he is just joking but deep inside I don’t think so. He told me he does not like my new home says it gives him bad vibes told I don’t either but it was worth it for my daughter. I think him being married and me not allowing him in my real life is also getting to him. He said he can’t believe I was celibate for 4 years. The reason I survived 4 years of celibacy with my ex roommate is because I was a sexting queen. I didn’t feel I was cheating on my ex roommate cause it was all an illusion of technology plus it was all in cyber land and not in front of me. I did tell him that once I decided that sexting was only making me horny that I decided to actually cross the line and where a lot of my sexual adventures come from. I copied my last blog entry and showed him one of my sexual adventures. He loved it. I give him short versions of it but never will tell him where it’s at due to the fact this blog will hurt him. I told him that my blog will hurt him because it’s about me being in love with a married man and being single still looking for someone else.

However, I saw deep inside of him and I could feel that he is going through something that I must back away , I know that he wishes he could be with me this I know , however, there is something deeper going on . I have backed away not completely for I can never really end these ties. Yet, I could sense Alan that his mind is going through something that I am afraid to ask. We both agreed to tell each other everything without fear but I am still scared to ask. I know he is not planning on leaving me but I think deep inside he is wanting what he can’t have, what it is I am not planning on asking but I do have a very strong feeling what it is. I do not want the lies to begin especially since I know that would be a road of more despair than anything else. I am already on this bumping road and I do not need for it to get worse.

He knows I am looking to find that one person who completes me as he does but a better version of what we have. Yet, I know deep inside of me that nobody will completely fulfill me as he does. I know that nobody would be able to understand, connect with me as intensely as he does, as well as love me deeply as he does. We both accept our ways and who we are. I hate that I am trapped in a cage without finding an exit but it is my cage and I do have the key to unlock it so why don’t I. We talked about this about our connection and how we can sense each other without actually speaking to each other but we know and understand that it will never be more than it is now for he is taken. I wish there was a way for me to stop these feeling but I can’t, I am not strong enough. I just know that he is the one and I don’t understand why him. I know that the reason men do not come to me is because they can sense they can never have me completely as Alan does. I know that letting him go is the most painful experience I ever felt and it feels like I am losing a huge part of me. Yet, every day I wake up hoping today is the day that I meet that one man who can take me where Alan has taken me but to the point of being able to go to bed with him each night and waking up with him beside me.

New year’s Eve BJ…

2 Jun

Please read with caution… some how it got X-rated..

As we know I am having a hard time letting go of Alan no matter what he has done. I know the reasons behind what he is doing because I was just like him before I changed. I did see him on Sunday but this time I changed the tables on him. I figured if he really wants a FWB than I would treat him as one. I will enjoy the moment for what it was and nothing more. It took some mental work on my part. Before I became submissive I was always in control of who I was and never let anyone get close to me emotionally. I always been afraid of commitment and in a way still am. I figured what happen to the woman that would enjoy the sexual adventures and did not care who knew. I had to think when was the last time I played that game. When was I the one who seeked a playmate for the evening, who left a memory. When was the last time I had control of my adventures before I gave them to Alan before I gave myself to someone else completely before I let my submissive side come out.

Than I remembered this… I always wanted to do something crazy for New Years Eve, I was tired of my ex roommate just laying there waiting for midnight to show up, so I got dressed and left. You have to remember my ex didn’t care what I did or where I went or what time I left as long as I came home and didn’t cheat on him.

I have a sexual bucket list that I wanted to accomplish so this New Year’s Eve I
decided that at midnight I wanted to be on my knees giving a blow job to a total stranger and let him remember that New Years for year’s to come. I remembered how in control I was. How I was in control of making this happen. I remembered drinking and just having a good time. I remembered how I was just dancing the night away and feeling good but knowing that I needed to find someone to be able to accomplish this and than I met him. He was a nice guy and one that seemed not so adventures, he probably was boring when he was sober. He was going to become MY adventure just for one night and he will enjoy it for what it is. As the night continued we kind of partnered up on the dance floor. Being that I know how to seduce on that dance floor and I knew how to move those hips, grind him as he got closer, making sure that he cock was thrilled by my movements. I had him aroused and hooked. I asked him to go outside with me when it was 10 minutes to New years. He asked why, I told him because I will be giving you a special kiss that can not been seen here.

I took him outside and started kissing him, letting him know there is more. At first he was a shocked but I told him just enjoy it for the moment, for what it is. I started rubbing him, grinding him as we kissed. I could feel his cock getting hard and that was a thrill to know that I had the power to thrill someone. The power to control someone else’s arousal. To enjoy the excitement of being out in public taking that chance. I unbuckled his pants. I let my hand touch him so and it felt hard as I started stroking it, slowly promising more to come. Once I felt the pre-cum I dropped to my knees, at first he said No but he couldn’t resist. Who the hell can resist a woman on her knees. I told him just remember this New Years for years to come and you’ll have a story to tell. His cock felt nice and it was very hard. I tasted his pre-cum he was so excited. As I took him in I felt the warmth of his cock on my tongue. I slowly started circling the tip of his cock enjoying that he was getting harder, this encouraged me to continue. I took my time, licking him up and down, feeling the veins on his cock pulsate. I would let him enter my mouth slowly as I savored him, giving him enough suction as he entered . Enjoying the pre-cum as it started getting more excited getting closure to his release. I slowing showed him how deep I will allow him to go. I heard his moans and I was getting wet just knowing that he was thrilled with my talent. I took him in deep in my throat, squeezing my throat so he can feel it as he entered deeply. I started to grab his hips to show him how to fuck my mouth. He caught on quickly for he started to thrust himself and as reward he would feel me squeeze my throat every time he went in deep. I was wet from excitement knowing soon I would release as well. I could feel his cock get ready for release and I made sure to taste every drop of it as I did, I came as well. He was hollering to the moon. It was just like I wanted it to be. As soon as we were done so was the evening. I just got up and thanked him for making my bucket list, winked and walked away. I remember he wanted to take me out to get a bite to eat but I was done and happy to have done what I did.

As I was thinking of this adventure one of my last ones I was thinking when did I change. How did Alan change me, when did I give someone else that power without me realizing it. I want my power back till I find the one who can honestly make me their submissive till I can find the one can control my desires. I guess I got off the subject but this is what I am feeling at this moment and trying to do some deep thinking… but it didn’t hurt to think of some of my adventures.

another day another disappointment….

19 May

Not sure why I am surprised and why I am disappointed. I guess seeing that Alan is checking his email, yet he has no time to send me a quick note. I know that I shouldn’t expect it but still its a disappointment for me. I not sure why I even thought that this time he would send me a quick note. However, wasn’t I suppose to start the NC I guess I am being pushed that way. Maybe a part of me wanted to hear from him saying he misses me, so I wouldn’t have to go that route but apparently I guess I am not being missed and its better this way. I feel that I am being overdramatic and this is not me. I shouldn’t care if he does or not but I do.

I just have to realize that this is good for me even though I feel like my heart is being ripped from me. I won’t email him or let him know what is going on for its only for me to know and not him. I just know since the dating site we haven’t been able to go over the hump so I guess you can say that this should make me stronger but it hasn’t. I guess one day at a time and each day that passes makes it harder yet, easier for my decision.

Lovers to FWB

15 May

I did go see Alan this week. However, it was not the same for some reason we are both having a hard time, not sure why, or why him. I felt like we were just there to take care of our needs and nothing else. I felt like we went from Lovers to FWBs, can that really be possible. I had to do some thinking afterwards and realize that I can not do that to myself I can not go back to how it was in the beginning of our relationship. In the beginning, he would call me a thief at night for I would come, fuck and leave as soon as he fell asleep. I wouldn’t have bother to spoon or be too intimate with him. I would just wait till he was snoring, I would grab my clothes and leave quietly. However, after these emotions that got involved, it’s impossible to go into the past behavior. I trying hard to not listen to my heart but it’s telling me that I can not let him go, yet I know that this would cause me severe damage to my well being. I am so confused, so messed up and this is not me. I am in control, not him. I need answers that I know can not be answered. I keep asking myself why? Why did he have to open that site? Why him, when I got choices? He is not the best man I ever dated I had better, known better, why did my heart choose him?

When I saw him it was like two friends that just needed the sexual relief, yet a relief to know that we are both there. However, our habits did change prior to his arrival. It was not the same. You could feel the difference between us. We were pleasant and enjoyed each other however, we hardly spoke to each other. We just held each other and hardly no words were spoken. We would make love but afterwards, we just held each other with no words were exchanged. If we talked it was general. When it was time to leave we both just didn’t want get up and get dressed. We laid there naked, spooning each other, letting our hands enjoy the touching, the caressing of each other, listening to our breathing, wondering what the other was thinking. When we said good byes, we parted as friends, a hug that felt more like a brotherly hug than one of lovers. What does this mean? I never done this before with anyone else. Is this our way of letting go? Is the adult version of no drama. I don’t understand for the first time in my adult hood I felt like a teenager trying to figure out what my next move will be, what his initiations are. Trying to figure out why the changes, I know what caused the changes. Is this time apart really going to end us.

I felt like we were more like friends than lovers. I felt that he is hoping I would settle for FWB but I can’t, I can be his friend but without the benefits, to be his FWB that’s impossible.

He is leaving tonight to his vacation. I wasn’t expecting any phone calls. He already had told me that he was going to be to busy and that he wouldn’t have time. I wished him well. Yet, I got a call each day since Tuesday when we parted. He tried to make excuses why he wouldn’t be able to contact me during his vacation. I squashed his excuses, he didn’t realize my BFF travels and will contact me no matter where he is at and Alan hates this man but honestly, I don’t give a hoot ass if he does, however, do not make lame excuses to me. I just hope that I can take this time to figure it all out and figure out the NC without causing me to much pain before he arrives back home because right now I just feel like crying and I haven’t even started it. It’s going to be hard but there is no way I can go back to being FWB, No way!!!

What to do??

11 May

I been thinking a lot of Alan and the changes in our relationship just took these past weeks. I realized that one of the main reasons we both can not move forward is because we are both not ready to let go. We try to pull away from each other and try to not let our emotions get involved but that’s to late. We can not seem to be able to walk away even though we both know that there is a chance of another person coming into our lives either him or I. I keep thinking why can I not just stop contacting him, why can he not stop contacting me. He is leaving this week and looking forward to these days of no contact so maybe I can make the right decision and walk away before he comes back. He also hates that I will be going on a trip because he wants to be with me but there is nothing he can do and he knows this. I think we both are realizing that we are hating that we can not be more than we are but nothing we can do about it. Maybe that is the issue. One of the things I realizing is probably disappearing is one of the things we would need to to do for each other. I know that disappearing can hurt if there is no explanation but we both are not strong enough to let each other go, so I believe that it will have to be up to me. I know disappearing is the worse way to part ways but I feel I don’t have a choice or maybe I do. I honesty, don’t think we can stay friends there is to much that will pull us back in. I am already treating this as one day at a time and living for the moment but what is happening is, he is the moment I am waiting for and that’s not healthy either. There is already a lot of hurt and pain I can not seem to let it go that he join the dating site but than I wonder how he must feel that I am available to date and hears my stories of going out. The pain is overwhelming but I know that I need to be able to move forward, I just don’t have the strength. There is many changes coming my way which is giving me more freedom to be able to find a companion or new activities. He will never be available for me especially since his work is demanding and so is his wife.

I trying not to see him this week he asked me but its hard especially since I know the moment I see him I will belong to him once more or that it might be our last visit, yet I will not be able to say no. I haven’t decided what to do and I been in a fog for a while and I need to clear it up before he comes back. He tells me he has turmoil, he tells me he wishes he could be my everything but knows that he will never be. I can feel his turmoil that he wishes to be at my side but knows that it can never be. Yet, we are each others drug of choice. I hate that what we have is a connection I can not explain and one that is not easy to let go, yet not strong enough to survive this affair much longer. He does not know that my turmoil is for the first time I want more and that I know he can never be that yet, I can not accept him not being part of my life.

So what to do? Is it the end and we are just avoiding it, I can not answer that and neither can he expect that we both are accepting the changes that we both know can not be avoided what it will be I don’t know but I am taking the time when he is gone to clear up my mind and soul. I just wish I had a crystal ball to see what the future holds for us.

Roller Coaster ride…

30 Apr

I can’t seem to get off this ride. I even tried to read my prior blogs to give me strength. I felt like I was being hit by a freight train. I lost weight. I couldn’t stop crying within myself. I had to pretend everything is well so nobody could see what I was feeling. I feel like an idiot. A woman who just bitches and complains but does nothing about it to change the circumstances. We didn’t talk for about a week, a week, I know I know but than Saturday Morning at 5:30 am I get my first text. I didn’t answer, I tried not to answer, I was in deep thought. I just know living without him was going to be one hell of a ride. I wondered too if he would be able to live without me. I just don’t understand the heaviness on my chest. The numbness I felt. I never allowed myself to fall for anyone. I stayed away from having an emotional ties with anyone so why him. I guess I grew up. I ended up answering him after several hours. I just responded back… I don’t know how to respond.

The text he sent at 5:30 in the morning saying I hurt him as well when I told him I could no longer to sexual adventures with him, that it belongs to someone who I can be seriously committed too. He said he can not believe that I said he didn’t deserve my sexual desires. However, he claims he did not want to lose me but if that has to be it than it should be. That he does not want to lose our friendship. He claims that he is willing to accept what I can give him. For three days he kept inviting me but I declined. At the end I went again. I told him if we stay together it needs to be only sexual because the emotional part shouldn’t be messed with anymore. I know I deserve better but why does it feel like a roller coaster ride with no breaks as I am going to fly to never land.

So here I am happier than I was a week ago for I did end up continuing the relationship but much stronger because this time I will have control. He is my greatest love but I will no longer let him see my emotions I have for him. He will no longer be the person he was once to me. I just cant deal with the pain I was feeling and couldn’t understand the anxious feeling. However, while he was gone I reconnected with the guy we had a threesome with last year. He asked me out and since I figured he knows what I like I wonder if we will be compatible. I have no high expectations. He has been texting me. What will happen I don’t know but his time I am planning on saying more Yes’s that before.

I know I probably disappointed many, I was kind of afraid to blog about it. I guess you can call me a stupid but its hard to let go of this, harder than anything I had to do. I am just weak when it comes to him. In a way I am happy he is leaving for 10 days and we will not be communicating so maybe I can do it than but for now. I just want to enjoy him even if it means just sexually but its hard to let go of the person who control my desires and my heart.

Dealing….

21 Apr

I went to see Alan on Friday. It was hard I didn’t really make up my mind till Thursday night. I probably shouldn’t have gone but one thing that I do is give one last great Fuck one you’ll remember me with and to hear the lame excuses, I needed answers. I was nervous. My friend kept telling me not to sleep with him teach him a lesson but isn’t that what most women do and why men go searching some where else because we want to teach a lesson and reframe from having sex. I know I am not wired normal but I always felt that why should I punish a man with sex when in reality you are punishing yourself. However, I wanted answers and one last Fuck!!

Of course, he tried to say it was a game at first and that he was pulling away from me. He said that he couldn’t help it because the women were beautiful. He claims that he does not want to risk losing me. He admits he wishes I would only belong to him, that he could some how give me everything I deserve, the relationship, the traveling companion, going to bed with him every night, dinners, blah blah. Yet, in the same breath he tells me to go look for someone who truly deserves me, someone who can give me what I want, someone who I can travel with and enjoy the company with. He wants me to find someone because he knows he can never give me what I deserve. Here I give him the most credit for he has never lied about it. He did most of the talking I just basically listen and of course, massaged his feet cause that’s how I listen and try to comprehend, plus it makes a good use of your hands, plus it keeps me calm. He claimed he is more fucked up in the mind because he never thought we would evolved and basically, he is hoping that I would get over it and we can continue to get close. Yet, in the same time wants me to say yes, to the man who will love me as I deserve. He claims as much as he hates the idea and wants me to belong to him, he knows he can never be more. But yet, if I do he wants me to share my sexual experiences with him and one I refuse to do and will not do. I told him when I decide to give myself to someone I will not tell him about our sexual desires for they will not be part of him.

I know that I did real good in listening and making him feel that everything was OK. I was the perfect mistress. I basically told him I will not be doing any more sexual adventures with him. That that part of me will belong to someone who seriously be committed to me. That my sexual desires will no longer be his, that I am not even sure what our next step will be. He responded that he lives for the moment with me and that’s what I did. I fucked him and lived the moment but I fucked him as this would be the last time. I remember him telling me, looking into my eyes and saying that he knew we both would be OK. That at that moment he felt right, that things would be right between us and that we haven’t lost the connection, that we were still making love and yet fucking. Expect for me it was more of letting myself go and living at the moment. Of course, the wife called so I had to leave and I was high so not a good combination, usually I wait and sober up but I didn’t have enough time to do that and it helped me realize why I must end this for both of us.

As I left I told him I will always be his friend and I meant it at that time. However, for me it has changed and made me realize that it is over between us. I didn’t receive a text or a call asking me if I made it home safe (a first for him) and remember I got a long drive. It made me realize that night that it is over that I am just tired of it all. I let my emotions get the best of me and I shouldn’t have fallen in love with a man that could not be mine. But what really sealed the deal was on Sunday. I went onto his profile and noticed he sent out a email giving his number to a woman with his phone number attached. It’s funny how I took his call earlier but sensed it again and I am glad I follow my 6th sense. I screen shot it and keeping it on my phone to remind me why I must continue to end things between us. I realized that once he started lying that I am done. We really haven’t talked since Sunday and I ignoring his calls. I am not ready to block him or delete our texts, emails. However, I did take him off my favorites, it’s a small step but one that needed to be done. I was actually thinking of putting his screen shot to remind me why not to answer but afraid my daughter might see it and I would have to do some explaining that I am not ready for.

I just got to keep reminding myself that this pain is not one of love but of anguish of losing the one thing that made me feel loved and special again. I working on keeping myself busy thank God that I know I wont get tempted to see him any day soon because he is my greatest love affair and I need to stay away and it helps that he will be leaving with his wife to a 10 day vacation. I do hope this girl does answer him and keeps him away from me. Even though he knows and has said that what we have is different unique one he has never felt before I do hope he finds what he is looking for. As painful as it is to say those words I need to be stronger. I almost got tempted in fucking group Sunday night, actually I would have been involved in some sexual experience with 5 men and 2 women but right now for the first time I just don’t feel like having sex with anyone. That’s the part that scares me the most, I always been sexual but it seems Alan took over that part. I never knew letting someone go who had control over my sexual desires would be so hard.

Alan does not know about my screen shot and I know he senses me right now. However, I have to break this connection no matter what, this connection does not belong to him or me. He ruined it. I am not his wife or his girlfriend to have to tolerate it and work through it. I am just someone who fucked him and enjoyed him for what it was at that moment.

Update…
I forgot to added that while he was telling me he cant give me what I deserve, to go find one who can but than he added that he does not want me to find someone. I don’t get why tell me not to find someone when on Sunday he is already sending out his number. I think he is more messed up than me and needs to figure it all out cause I don’t think he knows what he wants anymore.